Attained 2010

Though it is official that my 2 miserable years in JC has finally ended, in a rather unpredictable manner. I am glad that I haven chosen this path, instead of the others. For, the people that I met, the friendships that I made and more importantly the memories that I collected are priceless...................................

Chih Kiat

Though I have been in 3/4E3 with you but interactions only started in JC. Sincere apologies with regards to those frictions & misunderstandings that arises due to my insensitivity. Thank you for reading & tolerating the list of smses, hearing the stories, staying within reachwhen I needed help and more importantly walking this 2 years with me. The memories that we shared :)

Ee Hong

It's been 2 short years, but still thank you. Really appreciated your presence & heartfelt gratidue for being there for me when I fainted ( caused u stayed throughout). Though, I always argue with you, but it's through these small little arguements that made school more bearable, more enjoyable, more interesting & definately more pleasant in the past few months, where school had beeen hell. I'll miss these small little 斗嘴talks and the presence of u as a peer, as a friend. 朋友一生一辈子。。。。。。

Elisa

Sometimes I wondered: Probably you are fated to transfer to PJC, to talk & gossip with me hahah. Your presence not only changed the dynamics of your class but also touched the lifes of others . Would definately miss the walk to & forth school with you :) & thank you for allowing me to confide into you.....

Hui Jie

Biggest in size in class..... Your presence livens up the otherwise dull & mundane classroom. There's really much for me to learn from you. In the way you see things :) Thank you for being there to lend a listening ear. Apologies for being unable to return you that favour when you needed it.

Jasper

Famed for your dark skin & moustache, would definately missed those days interacting with you and really admire you for the way you treasured friendships:) & thanks for the job :) hahah Think I know you better in that few days hahah

Julian

Hmmm, you really lives up to the name of being Mr Nice guy , going out all the way to help your friends & peers. Felt gald& blessed that such a kind soul like you is actually here to help. :)

Pei Jun
Thanks for being there to lend a helping hand throughout these 2 miserable years. Your presence really let me felt that I am cherished :)

09S02
Gussed I appeared a bit of the anti social by not attending some of the outings& gatherings, and disappearing during class in the last few months made you guys wondered why... But still, thank you for tolerating and understanding my absence. Glad that I was part of this class and really treasured the moments. thank you. :)

Mdm Song & Mrs Low

Don't really know how to express my feelings of gratidute to both of you, for if not for your presence, I doubt I would be here today. Thank you for being there to listen, help, advice and guide me along this dim path. And really appreciate your presence. thank you :)
----------------------------

Men always tried to connect teh dots infront of us, which makes us felt pressureised, inderior and helpless. Yet, few tried to connect the dots that we have uncovered and left on our pathway to nirvana. For, it is not the ones infront that shed light into our lives, it is those that we left and discovered that direcft and nagvigate us to greater heights................

Deep within me I know that I am running away from some things that I will have to face it sooner or later, yet the overwhelming fear, has made me succumb to isolating myself from facts.

On the eve of the New year, let the past be the past and lets treasure our presence, behold our future. Many thanks to those that have left an impression, impacted, changed and helped me on this tedious path. For without you guys, I woldnt be what I am today.

感恩三世诸天大德神佛的护佑与加持，愿来年百尺竿头更上一层楼。。。。。。。

Happy New Year, and May the year ahead be a blessed and smooth ones to all.......

Well, have been doing nothing much aftermath the hotel job saga, that ended with me being re-employed, after being sacked for 24hours, because apparently they wanted to show me colour, despite facing the fate of shortage of staffs.........

Did quite alot of Window shopping instead, Marina, Suntec, Citylink, Tempanies 1 etc...... eyed on quite afew shirt, but I will only spend after I earn haha.... Topmen, Men studio, Esprit, hmmmm hahaha

Job interview again, tmr at the other end of the world, Changi Aiport Terminal 2...... lols.....

Pondering these few days over my last post of the year.... My experiences......... My life..........

Holiday'10

Back from vietnam & Jessie's bday.....

& I am pretty bored, left with nothing much to do.

Vietnam trip 2010

Hmmm, 8 days trip & I am almost done with touring the once France colony( almost, cause I have yet to visit the World renowed SAPA, famed ffor the scenic padi fields). Flew via Vietnam airlines first to Hanoi ( Capital of Vietnam), toured the World heritage site Halong Bay ( which comprises of many many islands & caves), had lunch on board the junk that ferried us around the Halong area. Visited the many antique looking temples, that carried a distinctive rustic charm. Took a cyclo ride round the Old quarters of Hanoi, due to time constraint, we didnt manage to shop at any of the shops in the 36 streets, each with their own distinct wares on sale.

Rushed off to the Hanoi airport, boarded the flight after dinner at the 4th level of the airport. It was a 55 mintues flight to Hue, a dsistinctively unique heritage site filled with a myraid well preserved cultures. Visited imperial palaces, imperial tombs that were more like palaces, with lakes and carvings of dragons and plaques with chinese characters that made me felt as though I was in China instead. Had something so called "Imperial cusine", which is basically a pseudo meal of Emperors, with musical performance, rather boring...... Afterwhich, it was a ride of a life time... 4 hours bus ride on bumpy road to Danang(which makes me feel the effects of motion sickness, regret my trip to Vietnam instead of Korea or Australia hahah), where Canon produces those marvellous photos for their advertisements.

Reached Danag at nite, just in time for dinner at this marvellously "antique decorated "restaurant with an ancestral hall that we only see in the little noya show, but too bad, I was too giddy to enjoy the ambience....... After dinner, checked in at this 4 star hotel, but it wasnt really a nice experience. For, my 4 star room had windows that couldnt be fully shut, resulting in gushes of wind blowing into my room producing this utterly errie ghostly sound that forces me out of the room seeking for a change to another suite........... Luckily, everything went well, and next morning changed my view of vietnam, visit to an aged old temple and various scenic areas via boat relaxed my tensed soul........ Went to this rustic town, with shophouses specialised in silk waving, wood carving, marble carvings and agarwood products, (shopping hahaha)........ Next was lunch and trip down to the seaside of Danag which is ranked top ten of world's most beautiful beaches. After which we proceeded to the domestic airport of Danag ( I was thanking my lucky stars that I am flying off at Danang and not Hue, cause the 4 hours of bumpy ride, really wasnt a joke!) for flight to Ho Chi Minh City which was delayed by 40 mintues after a 3 hour wait at the airport.... zzzz

Ho Chi Minh city was much more modern & developed with familiar brands- UOB, BREADTALK, KFC, DBS........More livable and inevitabley roads flooded with motorists. CuChi tunnels and Mekong river wasnt places that I was interested in, afterall I have been there before and Cuchi tunnels made me screamed like an idiot ( and was hence not advisable by doctors for me to visit) Mekong river, nothing changed - the fertile soil, muddy waters, fruits they served, coconut water they gaved, just that there's more stalls selling trinkets meant for tourists..... It was the dinner at 外省街, dinner on board Mekong nite curise, shopping at Ben Than market that interested me...... Last day was free and easy, was lucky enough to have 2 tour mates to bring us to this shopping mall hahahha

Shopping was ok, didnt get much food this time round, but got quite some non perishables, my holiday shopping list was almost done ( hehe). Got quite a few good deals... :) Mum was in particularly happy with her buys, afterall she got quite some stuffs at a steal.... hahahah

But this trip was rather an enlightenment.... The life we lead in Singapore was perhaps really world class, afterall children ( Secondary level) in Vietnam surivied with mere 20000 dong per day ( sounds like some astronomical figures but the actual conversion rate was 15000 dong to 1 SGD) and mineral water was only 2000 Dong at suoermarkets ( thats when u dont compare it with the 2 USD , which my dad gladly paid for at the airport and even lamented that he bought sky juice lols)

Now that I am almost done with relaxing, time to get some jobs & spend my holiday in a more organised manner.......... My table is still in an disgusting mess..........

Perhaps I should have gone for prom.......

Finally, reached Ho Chi Minh City :)

There's alot that I wanted to type, the estacy in me, the joy of finishing 2 years of ordeal etc...... But I dunno how to start haha...

After the paper1, went lot 1, with the guys for so called "breakfast" then, went around haunting for shoes with Ee Hong..... Then went home........ Then went to IMM with my brother with the intention of Fish & Co, but haizzz nvm, at least it was nice :) Then steamboat at Mr Lim's house, felt quite bad, caused we made a mess out of his house, but still, I enjoyed it, thanks alot :)

Today, woke up at 7.30 am super early !!!! Made my way to NUH. Ended up being late for 0.5 hours haha, my condition improved :) But still, medication is as per normal. & surprisingly, like wad I was being told, alot of people is there indeed, cause I manage to find 2 down there......... Rushed off to Jurong Point for movie......

Off to Vietnam tomorrow, not exactly excited, but still, finally, I am getting OUT OF SINGAPORE :) A rest, that I deserved.... ( quoted from doctor)

2 years passed, THE END to this horrible chapter of my life & I am about to embark on another....... Heart felt gratiude to those that help extended their help to me in a way or another. & 09S02, THANK YOU :) for the experience, care & more importantly the memories.

雨过了就有路。。。。

It's like finally, almost over, left with 40 MCQ (multiple choice question) & it will be over.

Should have done CSE at a faster pace, but, whole well its over, who cares, though I felt that my A is gone & B doesnt seems to remain X=

I wanted to say this for very long le...................

Finally, chemistry is over! Its nitemare..............

Paper 3 almost killed me, it almost caused me to retake next year. But I made it :) Was so glad that it was over.

Left with CSE & Bio paper 1. Long waiting time, sian....

Chemistry today was hmmm, I wanted to use the phrase atroucious paper to describe it, but on second thoughts maybe its bit too harsh. But paper 2 isnt very much easier than paper 3, probably is bit easier or probably I was calm enough............

Question one was meant to be a killer, 22 marks, unbelievable.... left with few papers, my chem is almost dead, dun even know how o salvage it from the dire situation now haizzzzz........

Its been a week of exams & I made it safely till now. Everything seems rather fine & probably peaceful till now. Other than idiotic & abnormal chemistry paper which I would very much like to highlight.

Was really devastated initally after the first disaster (chemistry), afterall 38 marks was literally blank, I really really have not much hope for even a B in chemistry now, unless mircals & I mean it MIRACLES- 奇迹 happens. I know harping on to that idiotic chem paper won't make me feel any better. But whenever it strikes me I get nervous & haizzz, afterall it seems as though it is the thing that will break me from my dreams............ Its really really a disaster............... B in prelims & wad's up for A levels???

GP was surprisingly enjoyable, though many said that my points were correct, but I wondered if I did well enough afterall, more than half of S01 did the question of international efforts on global hunger. & my AQ & summary did I focus and zoom into those points correctly?? But, at least I manage to try everything.

Math was hmmm, paper 1 was bit shocking, slightly above average to me. I would say that it would be paper 1 that differentiates an A student from a B student. Paper 2, pls pls pls, I pray & hope that I am not so careless or else I can prepare to go foregin universities le............

Bio, hmmmm I replied Mr Wong's "How how? " sms with " a doable paper, that is way doable than his paper hahah". But paper 3 might be real tough & paper 1 might just push me out of the fight for entry into local uni.

Thats about it, slacked for one day le....................

Just hope that I would end the next few papers with a celebratory mood & fly off 2 days after Bio MCQ to Vietnam.... hahaha

k, its been along long time since I wrote here...................

I am like getting better yes :) Finally, anti depressants are working. But I am getting bit sleepless, my sleep is not sleep, I have sleeps full of dreams, that I almost got sleeping pills...... But I was told to consume the Almaprozam that I was given to make me sleep...........

Haven been studying much recently. X.X Seen people mugging day and nite for the As..... Join the league, on the stage, thats what many around me wanted to. Aspirations, thats what make us humans.....

Insastible needs & wants, I just started bio revision................. wan le......... GP undone at all......... haizzz....... should be mugging le. 8 more days the race will start & it will end in about 40 days.....

My journey is coming to an end, this chapter is closing & I am definately going to cut some people away from my contact list.

I know u too much that I simply hated the sight of you now......... Get lost :)

物竟天择,
势者生存,
败者生存.

闭月羞花，沉鱼落雁

This was what 09s02 wrote for Mrs Lee. Meaningful indeed. Its fast, just a blink of eye & here I am left with 20 days & everything will come to an end. I am blessed enough to be in 02, not 01 ( I would say yuck, if i were there today haha), or in 04 ( I would eeeeeee, cause I don't really clique with the ppl there lol).

Ee hong, Hui jie, Julian, Jasper, ( I doubt you guys will see this but still), heart felt gradtitue, thanks for being there & always being cheerful & bright :) You guys make up my day, especially in my slight improved condition.

光阴似箭， 珍惜当下，展望未来

Was rather pleased last nite, caused I recieved MINDEF letter le. Its full of excuses(haha), finally something off my mind........... At least I can focus on recovery for the next 2 yrs.

I should be mugging now, I know. It's a pretty bad thing this friendships have to end this way, but I no longer cares. People keep saying that, its not the grades that judges you, but thats wad I was feeling. Everyone is mugging le. By now, I have made it clear to all teachers that I had GAD, cause I know I need help with it, if not I also dunno wad to do during exams, I really can't finish most of the paper & the last 15 mintues of every paper makes me feel like shit.....

Still wondetring if I would be in school next friday, I doubt I will. If I had a chance to re live this two years, I swear, I wouldnt have went swimming on that faithful day & I could then rewrite my 2 years, probably I would have felt better.

60 days, & off I go, I would be in Vietnam :) finally a dream come true. But now, my A levels, are more important, to prove it to myself & prove it to others, that I have made it. & to make these tormanting sufferings worthwhile.

I just hope that, I wont be crying like wad I did when I got back my O levels, it was a nightmare that I hope I never experience again. For if not, I doubt I would have the courage to face anything else.................

Actually, only intended to check the portal & shut down the laptop de. But well, facebook & blogger seems too attractive.........

Mum & Dad's back from KL, unfortunately with no clothes at all ( I call it pathetic shopping hahah), instead they were back with a huge box of chocolates ( I meant those brown cardborad boxes not those small small boxes inside) 370 ringgit worth of coca...... hahah its enough to suffice me till end of year le. Apparently, I think is because I told them dark chocolates ( those extremely bitter oness) are good for anxiety, cause there's this dunno wad natural depressants inside, so i think thats wad made them brought 5 boxes of it...... lol & lots of rasins coated with coco.... & 3 boxes of Bei teh soh , 2 boxes of tau sar piah.... thats all. They might just go cameron highlans again this year end, for another event, but I doubt they will. lol

thats bout it, must really start my engine le ..................

Found this quote somewhere, "Humans are like plants. When we are cut, the threat is felt, one will propagate for survival & existence". find it extremely meaningful & afterall this is wad I have been sensing from some people.

k, I have been slacking for the past few days doing I also dunno wad. other than friday.

After bio paper 1, I rushed off to see psych at NUH. Heng, I reach there on time, cause the doctor dunno I was coming(due to the delay by the nurses in sending my file into him) & went off for meeting ( I saw him walking away with my eyes while I was waiting). When the nurses finally realise he was offed, they rushed to confim if I was late & called him back haha.....

NVM that, cause he gt a meeting to attend to & he was already late also lol. He wrote my memo for MINDEF & it is like so so freaking short lol.( really 2 short sentences only!!!) saying I was under his care for my condition & wad medication I was on. hahah, he say if it is not enough I'll have to pay $80 bucks for a medical report which will take him a month to prepare. lols

anyway, medication dosage increased to 1, 10 mg pill / day le :( & according to the psych, my tiredness & wanting to sleep is due to exams haizzzzz, why cant I just be normal ???

After that met mum at JE MRT & went Singapore mint to get my silver pendant :) mum ended up getting another orchid coin, just as I have expected, she seems to have an interest in metals with flora designs..... anyway the pendant was wow :) It's my first PAMP bar ( smth like a gold bar, but is only 1/25 OZ= 6.662g) Lovely, cause they seldom make such small cute little silver bars in swiss :) & more importantly it is sealed in those formal percious metals plastic with assy office seal & certificate number. making me 不舍得open it........ hahah

k, thats about it, mum & dad would be back from KL tonite, they have been away since friday nite to tend to an event cum tour at KL. lol hope she gets me my secret recipe brownies lol

need to really start muging like mad le. cause I have slcked too much.

1 month of studies & delayed gratification
100 times of fullfilled wants & no regrets

haizzz..... I wasted math, totally.... there's so much if only that I wan to say, if only I this & that. The conclusion is both papers are not diffcult, just that my mind was bit too anxious & haizzzz. nvm, full of regrets for paper 2. 30 marks is gone ( completely)......

Fight till the end

k, 1 week of exams & I am like totally drained. Feeling quite tensed, my back all acheing & bit breathless now. Thanks to CSE & Math clashing on the same day, I wonder how am I going to survive GP's marriage with BIO...... , BIO & CHEM 通婚...... X= I think, I will ask for letter to do exams in private just in case, cause I can feel that, my brain& shoulders was v v v tensened today. & I can't even sleep last nite, ( though physically I was, my eyes was closed, but my brain wasn't, I am v sure)

Math, like bio & chem was a disaster, I think I flung bio, completely. I dont know why I so "Kei kiang" to choose question 9. & 2.5 full questions emptied. haha I am dead..... Math, I felt abit wasted, like chemistry, I didnt push myself hard enough. Not that I can't do la, just I was too calm....... I tell myself just try this time, so I really didnt piah....... But, after prelims, I must wake up. There's a dream, I don't wan a pipe dream. X=

But, good thing is, I'll be getting my silver pendant next friday le :) I have longed for it like aeons of decades le :)

一路上
有苦有乐,
雨后彩虹,
海阔天空.

k, I am here to waste time again. But I am feeling ok lah :)

I just woke up form my 4 hour nap, caused I simply didnt sleep last nite ( not that I didnt sleep, its just I dont feel that I was sleeping, cause I slept with tonnes of dreams, making me felt so yuckish) But its normal for me to be like that, at least my brain was working absolutely fine today. :)

GP papaer today, I don't really think I can get a B or C, I onlt hope that Gandi don't always come and irritate me lol & give me my D I am happy le :) There's lots of if only I want to say, if only I got more time for my AQ. If only, I saw my MEDIA question early enough and didnt freaking wasted 10 mintues on that idiotic Singapore Based question that I obviously know wasnt my cup of tea...... lol, but I was glad that at least I saw media & not did Singapore, cause singapore question yucks ttm.

But today's paper proved something, even for GP, practise makes perfect.


最无奈，总是怕慢人家一拍

由来了...................
Haizzzz..... laxapro makes me feel not bad lah. But, I suddenly felt so scared last nite & now X= So I am here....... wasting time :(

Just a last post before I logged off. ( a more emo one)

People change, Yes they do, as though they are changing clothes. Read Ammanda's blog, it makes me remincise about those days. It just further reinforce the point that, goals changes us. We tailor our lifes to reach and probaly get what we want.

Friends are important, this is what Siraj told me. I know, but at this point of life, when everyone is down with their interests at heart (afterall human's are innately selfish), finding a true friend, haha, makes me want to laugh. Imagine people who didnt bother about u, calling all of a sudden for advice? People whom you trusted all these while, suddenly shuts their dooor in the name of MUGGING.

I trust no one at this point, other than myself. Every teacher, the first thing upon hearing "I have anxiety disorder" coming out of my mouth said this to me : " oh, its ok , I have seen people worst than you, but they will make it in the end". That faith that tried to instill just makes me bit too annoyed & felt that it dont sound real.

Fact versus reality. I look, studious, hardworking, even someone said, other than cailin, I am the most hardworking in class. But does that matter? Like Mdm Song say: " Your effort is only reflected on that piece of paper".

I agreed, and I am not really starting my engine yet, cause I really am afraid that my limited engine capcity will run out before the race starts. So I decided to gamble this prelim, with doing papers more than studying chapters. It's a dangerous thing to do, consider my weak foundations. I will have to cushion myself for the shock of D&Es but, I want my effort to be reflected only in that cert, and nothing else.

There's people mugging from 11 am midnite till 9 am in the morning, finishing 5 biology chapters, can u imagine? It's that tad bit scary, and that's how life is in JC. MUG or DIE. But thelma, actually says, studies is not everything.

When the whole picture comes together, you just get more troubled, so I'll just trust myself. Do bio for this week & the coming week & I'll consider myself done, for prelims. It's a gamble, I hope I dont fly too high & get contemplated , neither do I hope to flung ( cause , I might not be able to get myself back into the picture.)

万物语意之所生

k, its not another week, but I felt as though, another week just flew past. But its start of "revision holiday" le. Teachers Day today, the concert bit boring, but its ok.

Feeling much better these few days. At least, I am laughing, joking abit & probably normal in many eyes again. Yeah :) Though, yah.

Recieved CMPB's letter for " Further Reporting Order" , not for commando selection though, lol. But odd enough, they wanted my parents to go with me & wanted to see my report book. Kinda weird. Date actually clash with my CSE & Math paper 1, prelim, should hab guessed that long ago. zzzz Wonder if they will change it.

That's bout it for now.

It's like 1 week since I took Laxapro, & I must admit, it works like a exlir, I am turning normal again. :) Though, not totally, but I am finally smiling. But, somehow, u can feel that, the joy is fake, cause, there's still times I felt like hyperventialting & my shoulders are as tensed as ever still. But, I am normalising at last. & u know, when you feel sian or sad, that there's this medical thingy pushing things down(I can feel it). But I dun wan to take prozac. X= & I am not studying enough la, I am well aware of it.

Like what I told jessie, the worst thing is probably not the sarcifices, but not getting what you want & letting down those that really cared. I have walked so far, I'll make it to the end.

Mrs Lee told me my plan D but, I dun wan it. I rather have my plan A or the plan A+, she proposed = get a scholarship, fly out & 证明给全世界看。 ( think I am daydreaming but 人因梦想而伟大, CaiLin You must ok hahah)

远离颠倒梦想
笨鸟要先飞

Hmmm, I dont really know what to say now. If only, if only I dont have anxiety disorder now. (yah, stop procrastinating a fact that couldnt be undone)

I went NTUC to buy chips & biscuits justnow, I saw a cashier, he was my friend. But thats not the point, the point is, the first thing that striked me was, he's definately capable enough, but he chose to move in another path. When people see me, they always see one side of me, the studious, probably hardworking side. But my inner self, who sees it?

Time & again, I told myself that, I need to walk till the end or else I would have wasted 2 years. But, it isnt easy, afterall, today another one in our class cried. Those that didnt breakdown in school, might hab broken at home.

Mdm Song actually blocked off a consultation slot for me. lol. Guess wad, she was absent on wed, because, she was too stress, she almost fainted when standing. We talked for quite sometime, she know that wad she said to me would fall on deaf ears & almost wad she said, I also know.

But, as much as I could be an ordinary kid, I can't cause, its 80 days left, I wan to make it, ALIVE. I am ready to sarcififce anything, but I must bear in mind that, my deterioriating mental health, needs some immediate attention. All the teachers are basically, worried that I burnt out before the A's. I can sense that. Till, mdm song actually want me to stop le. haha.

like wad ronald says: " must peak at the right time and not burnt out"

愿得智慧真明了

老天自有安排

I am suppose to abstain from all mortal indulgence. Chih Kiat wan to be pharmacist(knew that long ago), ellisa wanna be social worker, I want to be accountant !!!! lol, Felt very inspired today, but very tired also.

Probably, eventaully I might give up on accountant , but be an environmental engineer or someone researching in plants, cause somehow thats my cup of tea, but I wan to prove that I can make it for accountant. I wont give up till the last minute, I promise, cause I walked quite far le & I have made it so far, I shouldnt give up, but my mood really gets into me. I just hope that I can get there. I visioned my dad driving me to NTU accountancy course, cause he work there, hahah. Its a dream, but I wan to fullfill it.

I'll take my anti depressants from tmr nite, I will take my supplements twice the dosage I am taking now( though it really makes my stomch very eeee) & I'll take stablizers in 3 weeks time. X= Hope it works, I really really wan to end with the end in mind....

This should shed some light into why I got this "nice condition". But I am really lost with my revision. X=

Got Singapore Mint's catlogue on tue & as usual, something caught my eye haha. I eyed on this lovely 1/5 OZ PAMP silver pendant, with lotus flower engraving de, it look so so so gorgerous haha. I am so so so gona get it after this 7th lunar month, while my mum might just get all 3 lotus, rose & butterfly orchid de ( cause aparently the pendants came in 3 designs& actually the rose is the most intricate de). Then i'll get a new black cord & make sure I get it stringed, so that I'll have a new piece to my collection haha.

Anyway's, will be back to doctor on tue, & yah, 我认命了。I'll 乖乖take my anti depressants....... so that, I dun feel so sucky during gabriel de class & I dun feel so freaked out during ms aw de lesson & dun feel so drifted away from mdm song de teachings...... cause, during MEP, I felt so so so utterly disgusted that I went out & never went back. & I might get a letter, like shahilla, to do my exams in private le. X= very bad idea, cause it will be reflected on my cert that I took A levels under special condition, but if things doesnt work out, this is wad I should do bah.

haizzzzzzzzz, y 早不来，晚不来，现在来。。。。。 :( Till I dun even know how to study le, have been hoping mdm song will come & ask me how i felt so that I can 顺便ask her how & wad I should do now. But she didnt, & i also dunno how to ask. so didnt ask & wanted to let that innocent gabriel know wad happen de, so that he dun always come & zzzzzzzzzz me, over my undone bio & poor performance, but I also dunno how to 开口 lols

有苦难言。。。。。。

hmmmm...... lalalalala

Ytd, No time for some real shopping & can't find bermudas, cause shops around this area doesnt sell them !!!! So didnt got any new clothing.... But brought some food instead, biscuits, instat noodles in particular, just to realise, my house still got tonnes of instant noodles hahaha. Missed M&S cookies le leh X= hehe will try to get some this coming friday, & some white chocolates & crackers & hahahah I can go on. Cause I am getting more & more easily hungry thanks to supplements :(

National Day today :) must 风调雨顺, 国泰民安 hahah , so obiang but is the best of all le. lol

should be finishing up that whole list of HW now, but hmmm, I just wanna do some updates, had been onlined for these few days & realised that many had not been online.

A levels does have its own powers to make people negelect their computers de ma. Anyway, changed my appointment with NUH till next next tue, brought it forward by 3 weeks, cause I dunno if I can live without medication ma.

Read an article on TODAY's 2nd page , about how nervous breakdown turns into a depression. X= It's like, woah, there's actually comeone who can feel how u actually felt.& agreed that friends are important, but there's this idiot.( I dont care, I am simply using this word on him now, afterall, he doesnt see all this also. ) Appreciated the start, but I really hated the end.

Anyway, from facebook, seems that I have missed quite a huge part of NDP, but I am glad that at least for the past 48 hours I have been feeling relaxed & calm ( cause I am away from school) ( somehow school gives me that emoish feeling & it drains everything out of me )Though, I think I am starting to get abit, diffcult with my sleeps le. X=

If its not that I can't bear with it, I wouldnt have said so much recently also.

k, I am quite of the freaking sianzed now, after "marking " or rather editing the peer tutor scripts. I might as well do myself lol.

For the pass week - I got my new specs, got a new crystal bear ornament that I have always wanted, though its complimentary for SK jewllery & not from swaroviski, but I am still happy that I finally got a pair of crystal bears :) hahah they are so so so cute& lovely the boy wore a black hat & the girl got this pink flower so so so nice :) these are probably those little things I should be happy about. lols

Hmm, 1 week passsed, & yup, saw doctor, got some supplements that's suppose to help me concentrate better. But, I realised my condition got worst ( after or probably during a stupid math test). I was simply so anxiety ridden that I "pak" hit my pen agaisnt the table producing this utterly loud noise, that I didnt even know why. X= Got scolded by thelma, cause I am runing away from my anxitey by not telling the doctor the full picture X=

Read Julian's blog, felt one thing in common. Friends- We should/ can give in to traits of indiviuals, afterall, friends ought to be able to give in at times & accomodate or probably appreciate the differences of the opposite. But, at times, when we know too much of the "darker side " of others, we start to be wary, cause I experienced that. & probably people didnt notice that changed me quite alot.

less than 100 days to A levels le. I also wan to be somebody but 可以吗? I wanted it quite badly . haizzzz

在这世上有很多事都不是在自己的掌控当中，我不能说我进力了。但是，我也很难说自己没去尝试争取，毕竟天不从人愿。我也很想去过以前那种觉逍遥快活的日子。

I should be writing my 3 paragraphs of CCA/ CIP achievements now de, but , aya who cares la. Its another selling point hahah.

I'll write 1 on CCA, 1 on Xperience pharmacy camp, 1 on my peer tutoring experience both internal & external de.

Now thinking back, my J1 life isnt that bad bah, though 50% of it was wasted on slogging through mugging. At least I enjoyed the interview trips, the camps & the taiwan trip. PW wasnt as bad now, its like a learning experence, those days, I sort of missed them. I am someone that reminises, at some point of life, things that we consider bad or tedious in the past wasn't that bad afterall. Its the experience bah.

But, mood swings are getting more & more eeeeeee le. I can be happy for awhile & suddenly sad later, like today during chem, I was emo ttm !!! & I realise that anti depressants could make me sucidal X= (for the first 2 wks before it takes effects) :( I dun wan to eat that.

Recently found 笨小孩 sung by 劉德華. The lyrics quite nice & interesting de hahah......

Every man is his own island........ now I understand wad this meant le................

k, I should be mugging now, but I really don't feel like. I am pretty tired today, after the brief chat with the 2 china teachers. I still wondered if I have asked the wrong questions haha.

Hmm, just a quick update on my situation, mood swings r getting more & more frequent. I just had one, thanks to stupic spectacles shop that didnt polish my lens side, I was freaking annoyed by the fact that, they didnt do that........... I should have brought the other more ex de.... it look much nicer on me X=

& I am recommended to go on medication to control my condition, cause its just getting into my life. So I was referraled once again to another doctor..... zzzz on saturday. I really dun feel like de, having medication de.

hiazzz, like wad I told Chih Kiat, I felt quite screwed, my eye sight is 1000 degree le & my condition made things worst......

haizzzz

thats out it.

Got back everything today....................... The last paper started like that ..............

" Your Class .................. worst ................ " I was like -.- , then "30% pass" me & ee hong was like huh 8 only ar..... zzzzzzz.....

Got back paper1, I was like ok, paper 3 I was ok, paper 2, wah shocked completely...... The first thing that strike my mind was - " Did I study?" ....... It is quite hard to believe that you studied when u got 33.5/100. It sort of blew me off & anxiety kicked in. I started ............... but I was really really scared to breath hard & scared that I would collapse, cause I turned numb, & I really dun wan to let the class feel anything ( especially when the atmosphere is pretty sadddd), so I decided to take o.25 of the medicine & just went out of class for air ( with a signal to mr wong). & the way he gave out the papers, use throw de, I am abit pissed also X=

Ee Hong came along, really appreciated that. :)

Its quite hmmm, sad bah. Somehow, I felt that the class did put in some effort to study for the bio, just that probably hmmm.

命中有时终须有, 命中无时默强求

haizzzz, I cant help to sigh la........ This anxiety is really disrupting my life, even during exams......

Today, might have been a wasted trip, but at least I realised that there's nothing that I can do to recover, I can only try to combat it. It has been part & parcel le.

The energy to continue 。。。。。。

Read the papers, everything sound quite similar to what I experienced.... but the ending was different, probably I was saved in time.

---------------------------------------

I have probably done some immense harm to you, but I also recieved quite a fair share of that. I thought probably, it was more suitable if I leave u alone. I don't know if I look selfish, but I really don't know what to do.

该是时候分道扬镳了。
你走你的阳光道，
我过我的独木桥。
可能这是一个自私的句点，
但似乎这样比较好吧。

haizzz, life after exams are quite boring de lols. lalalala, tmr is a waste of time, y not just let us have GP & chem, I think they delibrately put the alumni thingy in between de, or else I would have signed out !!!! lols

多愁善感, 烟消云散,

早知今日,何必当初,

路到尽头,努力不懈,

一丝曙光,缺处逢生.

Life is like math,

if we are destined to meet, we'll intersect at one point or the other

if we are meant to gather, we'll be tangent somehow or rather

if we are not fated to meet, we'll be 2 parallel lines that never cross path

This is life.......................

feeling rather emoish now. I don't want any regrets of not trying to get what I want, but experience seems to tell that I am not that teabag for that cup of tea. Just like that paper justnow, its not as if I dont know how to do, cause even my memory is failing me... Understadn understand, thats what I always heard teacjers saying. But understanding alone, without commiting to memory kills. Its like you know how to do, but you forget.

Really dont want 6 Es appearing infront of me, but GP is sure at most a E, CSE , E , chem is already half dead, math is like haizzz........

I wonder why my life is only about grades, but for now or at least the next 3 months , it should only be about grades and nothing else bah. I really dun wan E & S for GP & CSE, it is really 2 things that will break me, cause I have absolutely no confident in them at all....

okays, I am freaking worried before this stupid math paper 2 & I was rite, something will be wrong.... I was so so so anxiety ridden during that paper la!!!

When I started the MI I was like, hmmm not bad, I managed to finish it within 6 minutes leh :). But come 2nd & 3rd question, I was totally wiped off the table. I was so so pek cek when I reached 4th question, leaving Q2 & Q3 part ii) blank, that I was abit gasping for breath (luckily I calm myself down abit), & I crushed the paper quite loud. lol & the pure math section, I was like why I didnt see a single normal approx & normal & the supposedly normal question turned out to be answered in an unnormal way, making me so freaking afraid that what I was writing was all wrong. zzzzzzz

K, nvm, there's some quite irritating things happening throughout the paper also, the guy on my right, actually finished what he could within like 2hours & slept for 1 whole hour, I was like WTH , am I that dumb, how I wish I could sleep also, while the girl on the left kept sighing & sighing non stop for the last hour zzzzzz . & there's one "fucker" guy behind this "left girl" that kept saying fuck rite from the start of the paper, I was like, wow, what a memorable exam experience I had......


haizzzzz its such a bad paper......

Haizzzzz, if only I didnt waste 1 hour on 1 essay, I could hab at least any how finish the 2nd essay. & question 1c , was haizzzz disappointed again :( I sort of spotted the question but still surprise to see question 2 to be repeated.

Today's experience tells 2 things, it is literally impossible to craft a whole new essay wwithin 45 mins, bit diffcult la. So memory is really important bah X=

haizzz :(

1.6 days of CSE only let me complete like theme 4, I am still left with theme 3 , dunno how to finish it. Wo si le :( lols. But , oddly, I dun feel v stress leh, just abit bpressed for time & totally drained. china china china eeeu. lols

k, I went hospital for my first visit today.....................

hmmmm....... He did a totally check on my situation.... my relationship etc... hayos. The doctor is from India haha ( he got a very very freaking thick accent leh !!!( Make me so xin ku to listen to him.) lol. His name very cute also - surej babykutty john.

Is bit ex la, I went in like for 30 mins, & they charged me $30....... Got medication for emergency, er not advised to be taken under normal conditions, cause it makes me dumb or rather my brain will function slower. So that I dun think too much & it will then lighten my hyperventilation.

Got 2 conclusions from this visit. Study might not be my cup of tea, I forced things on myself, hence, when things r going downwards, my learning process worsens & the vicious cycle continue. Next, as usual, I was adviced to go out with friends more often, I am like huh, now so busy how? nvm, breathing therapy lessons in 3 weeks time at NUH...... hmmmmm k bah.

2nd conclusion is - NUH only got forgein doctor & that place is big haha.

K, bah anxiety disorder - is common ( I doubt, though I know that our school also have ppl sufering from this, but my disorder is more serious bah) thats about it.

I am wasting time liao hahah

Kays, went NS checkup at depot road today, freaking far & long..... The medical checkup is like 2.5 hrs, the vocational assesment took me 3 hrs...... (not very fun, I was like, can it be done asap.) Basically is all physics & math & I think I failed the math dam badly, caused before I even finish half of the math session, time out.....

Brought my referral letters along with me, saved me the trouble of talking what happen. & I am now PES D for 3 freaking months....... & I will need to go for review like during prelims....... haizzzz

Say Kendric today also, he went for review. & By 3mths later my memo would have reached CMPB also le...... Hope I can get the PES I want. X=

& I wanna complain, how can they freaking draw blood from me like that de, poke the neddle in & dun draw, wait wait wait talk talk talk then start drawing slowly ZZZZZZZ Dam pain la!!!! Then worst still, After he pull out the neddle, he didnt even press my wound zzzzz....

NVM, at least they didnt manage to take a 2nd sample for my potassium, I was like thank goodness..... lols

I got my NUH appointment letter today also le...... so werid still got doctor name on it. I remeber my mum's letter dun hab de. X=

Youtube :)

k, its like a week + since my last post le.

我终于忍不住了。。。。。。。。

I went to see mrs low again like on wednesday, though I still dunno how to tell her wad happen XD She was patient enough. & she say that if there's one thing good, I am willing to seek help :) But the trip also reconfirmed one thing, if I dun make the turn, IMH there I go. :( I dun wan >.<

So eventually, that nite, I smsed her what happened, that whole chunk of story, she was surprised also. lol, yet she's quite calm, replying that there's no harm seeing a specialist.

Though she wasnt very positive, cause yah. She say that if I felt stress before any paper, I can just sms her & visit her an hour before the paper & she would free up the room, lol. & dun mingle with any gang & continue fliping notes.....

& today, went to see tcm, cause tution was cancelled ( thank goodness). Got green green colour pills thats suppose to help me sleep 0.0 hahah.

My mood is lighter le, but things doesnt change overnite. "What is happiness" question which Sirage posted for us, guess I knew why I was so confident with that question back then le. For, that was the start of problem.

快乐才是成功

你和我的距离似乎越飘越远了，可能是时候让风筝的线断了吧。

friends are very important in life
they make up a huge portion of your life

for some, they are like guests
coming and leaving after a brief visit

for some, they are like vermin
coming and sucking everything from you

for some, they are like wine
good and getting better the longer you know them

i hope one day, when i need a friend,
all of you will be there for me

Liked this :) posted by hazel

诚信

相信别人,相信自己, 如果我能选择,我不会和任何人说这三个月来的苦.
但我真的憋不住了.

Its a kind of human mentality, we dont want people close to us to know what happen, fearing that, by revealing pieces of past, the image of us would change. For intsance, that sight of him entering that room, also took me by a shock, afterall he look bit hmmm ( always come & kao pek me only). Huamns, have our own secrets, which we don't want to reveal to others. Just like, I would rather pay to tell strangers how I felt, nowadays, than to tell people around how I felt.

我好,你也好.就当一切没发生过.

I learnt something (lol), the worst thing to tell people is " its ok de, dun worry" cause, the inate nature of humans tells us that, such words are just lies, we humans created to calm ourselves down & they do nothing but to conseal the utter truth from us for awhile & sooner or later we'll still, sadly, have to face the cruel facts.... If people want to cry, let them cry, but after awhile, we ought to stop them, if not ........ but teras needs to flow, it is a way, that stress could be "thrown away" .

人活在当下

No matter how long, tedious the path is, if we persist on, there would be an end.

Can I dont study???? I really hate that stupid feel of I dont have time, I keep telling myself time & again, you have time. But when I revised, I really is speechlesss.... there's tonnes of things to do. I don't wannna do Miss Aw's papers, X= Not a single one, or at least not 3 schools ( top somemore). It's bit stressful, when I dont have time to get my basics right. But I fear, I fear that, I would fail if I dont do them. Idoit feelings rite? 7 it would be worst, if Ms Aw asked me, did u do the papers & I failed. I would haizzz, nvm bah.... we see how.

Just read julian's post, it sets me thinking, does counsellor work? lols, it doesnt seem very much for my stuborn character bah X= lols. haha

ok, my nite is offically spoiled by this idotic 小姑 of mine, I dont care I am just gonna be extremely rude to her here. 为老不尊，为老不贤 thats how I am gonna describe her. What is wrong with my mum not working, is it of concern to you? Not working means my mum very free at home & be tai tai is it? What is wrong with helping her kids iron clothes? If thats what you wanna say to my mum, go & Kao Pek your own daughter in law instead. Why when your daughter in law ask your son to move to pongoul, when u live in jurong west, u r like , orhs nevermind lor, when u like so angry, but u still 忍？& very funny u very free hor, dun have family or husband to take care one is it? maybe because u too evil, thats y yr husband never appear with u bah! Really feel like saying u r 报应. What is wrong with my mum, y must u always say such mean & attrocious things to her, when u r the evil wicked one?

If you wan to be so 造孽， 没口德， please dont come to my house & if you wan take back 二姑's will also, I hate to be the one inheriting & having to be the middleman distributing them for such people. Calling me , straight after O levels & say " ayo can go ITE anot" , go & die..... zzzzzzz U deserved everything that I have scolded u , for wad u did to me & my mum.

-------- K enough, I wasted enough blog space for such attrocious women------

Mr Lim's wedding today, was fun hahah. After that went Vivo with like 0.75 of the class. Brought lots of Marks & Spencer that I am craving for. yump yump

Then I went home, cause I have something on at Jurong & yup :) It was an enjoyable day. :)

GP paper today. I was quite calm & peaceful with myself in the morning. But, still I was right, I flung the essay. It was a flop. I actually predicted water would come out last nite & I sort of the fliped through Broader Perspectives & even the newsapapers reported on water scracity &. Haizzz nvm, if only I trusted my instincts. For 1 hour I was struggling with my points & when my inspiration ( or rather what I memorized) came, it was already 9am ( sharp) half the battle was gone. I felt like giving up & eventually I did, an essay with 2 points utterly wrong and no conclusion, guess I will end up in morning lectuers now. >.< hate it......

Paper 2, summary was....... extraordinarily diffcult. haizzz nvm. If I could pass it would really be上天有好生之德。

But somehow or rathe I manage to cast this GP saga aside & did some shopping in the afternoon. haha....

Went to temple & did the usual stuffs I would do, flower offerings, light offerings, prayers, blessings bestowed. Then the more fun part comes, went over to OG chinatown(thanks to miao ling who told me that OG is having sale lol), brought 2 plain shirts then due to the lack of selection of shoes there, ( cause I think I already eyed on everlast instaed of converse le hahah) I decided to venture back to OG orchard, lols & after 3 rounds of walking up & down the whole building I fixed my eyes on everlast & made my purchase hahahah. & the 20% discount + 1 free cosmo pearl ( some whorthless freashwater cultivated pearls from china, which though I know is worthless but since its free I will still take haha) makes the trip worthwhile. But the traffic jam made me terribly hungy ( cause I dunno y vegetarian food always make me hungry de)...... & thats about it.

I am sort of looking forward to Mr lim's wedding cause is first time I 'll try vegetarian wedding. Though I have attended countless weddings & I know the rites like dunno wad, its still first time trying afternoon wedding & vegetarian de. lols.

Sentosa mid autum wedding dinners with complemenatry strawberry snowskin mooncakes makes me drool& M hotel the top floor one are also superb. hahah

thats about it.

愿佛光普照， 世界太平.
南无本师释迦牟尼佛

我的命运，
我的人生，
我的道路，
我的直觉，
我的选择，
都在手里。

逃过了他人的那一关，
但却
过不了自身的这一局。
最终
我还是预料到了结局。

Probably, or maybe yes, I think it wasnt just a blackout, I momentarily fainted yesterday in school. Thanks for ee hong's help, if not i dunno how bad my shape would be now. He was there to hold on to me lols. & Chih Kiat & Ellisa, though they didnt manage to get to me in time to stop everything from happening, but really appreciated their presence & thanks for the taix. & those smses & concern, thanks, for once I felt that I am being loved & cared. :)

It was like drama, I started crying again ............ & this time, my legs were numb, my hands were numb, everything wasnt in my control. Eventually after 3 steps I collaspe lying on the floor & the attention was on me.

Saw the Dr Queck 2x that day. For that numbness lasted for very very long & that breathlessness. Went to NUH eventually & expectedly I was diagnosed with - anxiety & stress. & unexpectedly knowing ( after 2 blood test) that my potassium level was rather unusally low. Which accounted for chest pains , breatheless etc..... & bananas was the horrible cure for low potassium levels. & I was prescribed with potsium chloride tablets, which releases that extreme saltishness upon dissovling in my mouth. lol & blood test again on monday, meaning needles again >.< & I am referal, to pyschaitrist by A&E, quite weird but yah.

There's things more than math, most likely, that I am trying very hard to erase from my mind, but it is like those sturborn iodine stains on my school pants, that could not be removed by myself, as of now.

I can still feel some numbness, that tingy sense of pain my heart, aftermath that incident. But the way I view things hasnt change much. It's bad but......

Many said that its too early for such symptoms, I agree, I have reached the brink of the cliff. I might just fall off any moment. It is whether I want to hold on now.

My life, My fate, My destiny.
It's in My hands

Shouldnt be here, but my com is on.

There's simply too much work to do, that I am like totally overwhelmed to the extend I dunno wad to do. Prioritise, thats what I was told, but everything seems so urgent. I am begining to feel abit like, freak out again. I keep telling myself to slow down, slow down, but it is really terrible when things gush in like tusnami. I need to prepare & anticipate it. It's like haiz.

Just give up on some things, I wanted to really. But my heart doesnt. It irks to the max, when I cant finish things. & like what Mrs lee say, it really feels sucky when u study day & nite, yet when ppl study 1 hour , they get there & u dun. She's refering to me bah ( most likely). But she's quite kind to leave me alone le. lol .

Earth day celebrations today, should have saved myself a glass container for making of terranium(wrong spelling). I keep helping people make, but I didnt make for myself lols. But I manage to salvage some nice ornamental plants for myself. Hope, Mrs Chan hasnt been so insensitive & tell the world what happened to me.

bath & brush & hwwwwwww

1day normal, 1 day abnormal, thats me nowadays. Next week schedule is bit hectic, but 2 more weeks , holiday liao, pia a bit, I'll be in malaysia on 1st wk, wed for secret recipe, Kueh lapis, & more food hahah.....

I tried very hard le. It's not as though I didnt. So just let it be. Maybe I should be like Mr wong, stay in library to mug for every recess, but I don't want, I find it tad bit too kia - su le. haha

我的素命,上苍的安排.

K, I am like, offically resting this weekend like that, did nothing today. Went Bukit timah to register for math revision, cause I simly felt insecure with those tutorials & stuffs. Blame it on stupid CT, I tell everyone thst I got over it, but frankly speaking, I doubt I did, until I see another apple, I doubt I would. This is another side of me, that insastible, insecure side of Yew Cheng. So I am doing what I could, like ronald, buying back that sense of security with money. Haha, ronald if u r reading this , dun scold me haha.

Went walk walk around Bukit Timah shopping center, was bit utterly shocked with that much change it underwent. Afterall it was filled with my childhood memories, waddling around like a little chick, passing the various shops belonging to my relatives & yah. Then discovering that, there's the little tution center hidden in this secretive location which I never know where it was till today.

Proceeded to BT market, to have my favourite hokkien mee, brought the super nice carrot cake & Zui Kueh home & ta pao hokkien mee for my brother. Got stuck in the traffic for 0.5 hrs, that's how I wasted today. But on the other side, probably it was a break I deserved. I need to rest before I move on, if not yup.

When you are surrounded with people aiming high, you would naturally want to follow the herd & aim high. Hence when u hit low, it could be demoralising. Publishing such posts doesnt help, but at least there's a place to keep what I felt away from my brain. For I really dunno who to tell all these to. Cause, the mrs low is also overseas & away....... But probably like what Cindy said, I confused of who to confide in. That's y, there's only 2 readers to this blog also. I locked it up so that ---- ---- dun see it.

放下,如果真的能解决问题,我愿意. 但雪球会不会,越滚越大? 那就不得而知了.

我真的会到吗？Humans needs are insastible, thats what econs taught us,( & its what I learnt this week) but do we really reflect upon it? Probably I don't. I tried to lead that life, that is not a competition, but a challenge. But being surrounded by such circumstances, I really don't know how to alleviate myself to higher grounds, to make myself feel that tad bit more comfortable, tad bit more relaxed.

Can I blame it on my past, which shaped my present? It's kind of a running away from facts, but I could, I would have hid myself up in a hole, away from everything.

Just look up at the stars & count our blessings........................................

Finally, hands off Eco club stuffs. My work is done. The final assignment. I am just so glad today. Though the process of compling, & pinning up wasn't that fantastic, but at least it's done.

Frankly speaking, I am thinking too much again. It's like only 1 week. Haizzzzzzz, if I could switch that part of my brain off, I really would. It's making me bit, sian during tutorials again. Need to stop that, before I revert back to that stupid mode again. But some incidents, some things really really sets me off on this mode, which I hate.

Guess this is my life, but this emotion part, I should try to control it, for if not, I really can't move on.

Probably, I should slow down abit le. Cause, I am feeling bit, shitty again, cause I think maybe yah, I mugged bit too much, though not much productive was done. I know I am forcing myself doing some stuffs which I dun really feel like. But what Hui Jie said was right. 6 more months, it'll be over, just get through it.

But, at least I should not work myself to that 2nd breakdown, for if not, I really dont know how to stand up ever again. Crying for 3 consecutive nites, is a shittiest thing ever.

Here I am thinking about my life again. If only, we could have a second chance to resart the chapter, I'll rewrite it, in another manner. At least, my life wouldnt have been so screwed up, with only books, notes & nothing else.

I go to school feeling much better nowadays, but sometimes, that stupid classroom atmosphere just doesnt make me feel good. My mind wondered off somewhere else afar. I know it seems odd for me to be floating about school alone, going to cafe alone, but, frankly speaking my face & actions contradicts.

I walk past those shops in orchard, almost every friday, yet, I seldom have the chance to venture into one of them, probably only M & S, for the cookies.

U walked off that nite. It was normal of you doing that. But before that, you said alot of things, I don't know if u intend to have any hidden meaning behind it. But I took it with agenda. That's y I burst & congrats everything is over now. I won't interfere with your life. Neither should you touch mine. It is a common battle yet, there's different end. You envied what I got, I tolerated, at the expanse of my mood. Yet nothing works, so just leave me alone, if i see you up there, congrats. But for now, really just leave me alone.

-------------------------------------------------

Guess I am finally leting things go. For I am feeling much better le. So what if I got a C for math, just pass for bio? & probably played some dirty tricks for chem? ( hahah) It's time to move on. For just like had mrs low said, life is more than just A s & B s .

4 weeks 8 sessions of counselling, I am finally well and working again, though somethings doesnt change overnite, but at least I am fine now. & more importantly my case is closed for now. Review after Mid yrs. lols Thanks alot Mrs Low, for if not, I wondered what I would have been like.

The hardest thing to do is to learn how to climb down after peaking and rescaling new heights.

After nite's sleep I am feeling much better le. :) Life still goes on......

Moving on, is easy to say, diffcult to act. Move on, everything would be fine, thats provided I let go of that past. U WILL GET THERE :)

If there's one thing yew cheng should be doing now, you should not be thinking so much, you should be controling your emotions now! Instead of muggig or everything else, control your feelings, manage it well, and yah :)

Yesterday happened, and no one could change a thing, yes you are apologetic, but what is doen is done, it couldnt be slavaged but just move on bah.

Things might not turn out according to plan, I tried within my limits. But, yup.

I SERIOUSLY wondered about the meaning of your presence. U brought me literatelly everything, happy, sad, emo , stress everything.

I can say that, my condition today was 1% because of you. You, dont really know what I am feeling. At times, some stuffs just happened. I really didnt wanted these things to coincide, but somehow they did. And it not only create troubles for you, but it stresses me.

I exploded that time, because I thought I should let go. & now, I really felt that I should let go. If you think its my fault I accept it.

I really hope that I would not be affected by you, as much.

---------------------------------

My condition, & I am using that, looks optimum to her, but it is like a roller coaster ride, ups & downs. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I am really trying very hard to get down to work, and I mean work!

Was rather, feeling emo today. And I think that classroom has too much "YIN QI", making me emo everytime I am in. Math was C abit depressing, but like what she say, it is just a rehersal, accidents do happen, take it in my stride and move on.

I liked what Cindy posted......

人都是很自私的，都是为了自己的利益在做事。
如今，所谓的公平在这世上存在着什么的意义？
你得到你想要的但你有想过你是怎么得到的吗？
你是靠自己的实力还是，是踩着别人的肩上位？
把别人说的一文不值，难道就是你所会的一切？
或许你并没发现但你的言语却伤透了别人的心。

你应该惭愧的道歉而不是继续嚣张的自以为是。
或者说，如果你不要道歉但至少可以自觉反省。
你让一个满怀希望的人，从天堂掉入了地狱里。
难道你心里变态所以对你而言这是一种乐趣呢？
我真的搞不懂，你难道就不会感到一丝愧疚吗？
在你虚伪的假面具下，你到底是怎样的一个人？
答案只有你自己知道但我想，你只是个空蛋壳。
华丽的外壳骗了不少人但腐烂的内心让人反胃。
我甚至怀疑你与我或别人的友情，是真还是假。

If there's another way, or rather, if I knew there would be today, I would not have chosen this way. But, since I am already here. I ought to make it there, for it is only then would my grivenaces be justified.

In the mist of picking up the debribs, an arguement came.
I wonder if I'll pick up the momentum in time to catch up with things. I am neither slow nor fast now.

She's right, just do what you can. Homework need not nessarily be done all on time. Believe that you'll get there & with the effort, you will get there. Even if I feel like walking out of class, just stay there & bring your mind to a higher level. Running away does not solve the problem..........

Alrites back to mugging.... still gt math test tmr.... I dun wan E again. It's this stupid E that literately tore me apart into this pathetic state that I am in now......

快乐才是成功

Feeling light, relaxed & probably happy today. That emo feeling is finally clearing off........... Mrs Low seems to read me more than a book and know me as thought she knew me all these while. Hope I can be normal soon & get back to mugging, real soon.

A B for PW. I would say, I expected it all these while. I would say that it's the WR that caused the A. The B seems abit useless, after hearing that 95% of the school got A or B.

One thing good about everyone having a B is that, we don't feel that shitty feeling of inferior or mistakes. But the bad thing is, CaiLin's straight A will be gone. Felt bit bad over it. lols

It's over.

Probably, she's right. If I were to continue, without exploding, I am driving myself towards a cliff, is just when I'll fall. I am experiencing both the positive and negative sides of motivation. I have driven myself way off my limits.

She used this analogy, there's 3 kinds of runner. A, started with full steam, but eventually, his lungs can't take it, he collapse it half way. B, is simply too scared to continuing, for he keep comparing , and looking at the left and right sides, seeing only how fast people run, without realising that he also has his potential. B gave up eventually. & lastly, there's C. C ran with a consistent speed, but he made it, for he just stick to his ideas and be consistent.

The moral of the story, it's not how fast we run, how many times we bloom. It is how well we bloom at the end, that really matters.

I was finally smiling again. Yew Cheng haven't been smiling genuniely for a long time. No one notices that. I appeared strong in front of literatelly everyone. But superficial things doesnt last, eventually everything came apart.

I started moving again, but this time, I know, I can't afford to breakdown again. She said that I need to start slow. Yes, I agree, and I am probably having a short break for now. & my health.... I don;t want to have a 3rd attack, which might put me on bed for a week......

If I am destintied for accountancy I'll reach there, if not no matter how hard I work, things wont work out. There's always a greener pasture out there awaiting for me to discover.

苍天恩德， 佛恩浩大

我的存在，
你的出现，
不是机缘巧合，
而是冥冥中自有安排。

由心感谢

After keeping everything to myself for such a horrendously long period of time. I have finally confided to 2 adults at one go. ( I should have said, I exploded)

Meet Mdm Song on thursday, initally thought I would have a consulation with her. But the series of events took a turn, a surpirsing one. Never did I thought that I would see Jessie. Neither did I thought of seeing her tearing ( due to Miss Aw's : wad happend?). She saw Mdm Song & she started ...... yah. Then she was brought to aside. I waited.

After 0.5 hrs, my turn, I asked wad shld I do to math........ ( she said & stuffs & my mood starts to change for the worst). Eventually I cant take it I cried also.... Then we went over to a quite corner. I finally confided to her how horrible I felt... & that I felt like dying.... She's shocked, I could sense that..... She tried consoling me but, her attempts failed.

I began to hyperventilate & ...... she called the counsellor. I went down to the office, went into the VP's office ( VP went home , so we used her office instead. Think the P saw me, but she kept her silence, which I was glad she did), by then I was pale , white completely horrible. She brought in a cup of hot water. We sat there for an hour, she calm me down and we chatted.

Guess I was holding on to too much things, feared for too many negatives, that lead me to where I am. Review on monday, after school.

I knew, I wasn't feeling rite, and guessed I was right this time. I brokedown...............

It's not the physical fatigue that drains. It's the emotional fatigue that kills. & probably Ms Low was right, I need to take care of my health, more than anything..........

She knew, I tried to appear strong on the outside, but I finally gave myself away.............

I wanted no one else to know about anything, but the news spread, by now at least 4-6 adults ( including the one at home) should have known wad happened. I hope that don't come ask me anymore. When the P saw me on friday, I knew that,she sort of the stared at me, to see if I am fine.

I am starting to not trust you. I know it's wrong but I am getting a negative pulse from you. If it continues this way,the competition would eventually errode this whole friendship. I ought to be prepared for this day.

I need to confide for if not, I am starting to show signs of burning out.

What a hectic, and horrible week.....

It started with a C in chem, which I now realise, if it wasn't because of my foolish carelessness, I would have easily gotten a B, instead of that C. Wasted this paper....

Math was disasterous. For the first time in my life, an Elephant apeared, obstructing my way forward. I was totally devasted to the maximum. I studied yet I got a E. I can't help but to amplify this point. The 1 hour of going through the paper was tortoureous. I simply can't concentrate, I was looking out of the windows, trying to remain calm. But guess I can't take it. I shouted at Ee Hong. lol . It was definatley heart rentching, for I almost teared infront of Mdm Song, when she asked what happened. I tried to be strong. But guessed I wasn't that strong, I broke into tears that afternoon & the day after( 2 x) for it wasn't easy to accept the fact that I studied yet I somehow failed.

GP was a close shave. But I was glad that I made the right choice. Was bit shocked, but I was glad that I passed. And the essay I was simply happy that I got 29, though a mistake in the labelling of question cost me 1 mark. lol. But probably, Dr Queck was right, the process of waiting for results made me too stress and worried. That I hyperventilated for 15 mins.... A terrible ordeal, my vision went blurred, my hands froze, pearls of sweat slid down my back, for once I thought I was fainting.........

It wasn't the process that drains. It is the failures that demoralises.

Today was really really enjoyable. Lunch at Pizza Hut. Was really enjoyable, chit chatting, eating etc.... gossips.

If only everyday was like that.,,, life wont be so tough & it would had been more manageable.

Phew..................... It's like 1 week, or rather 4 days & it's finally over.

CSE was a waste. I actually guessed that it would be that essay. But I didnt manage to have time. Or maybe I was too stuborn & thought, I could come up with an inpromtu essay on the spot.

Chem was abit wasted, or maybe I was simply unprepared. But I felt that I was rather panicky, fluttered & unfocused. Jumping here & there.

Math, I was like "WOW" PJC actually can set such questions. Bit taken aback. Usually thought that they set manageable stuffs. But guessed I was wrong. Last 4 question & the tiger question killed me, 43 marks at risk. haizzzz there goes my apple. I can pass already very good le.

Bio, er, if only I wasnt so suay & had fever last nite, I might had bloomed....

jaded.........haizzz, life sux.

Chemistry today. Felt totally cheated. Wonder if I got U for it. If I do, it would be the first in my life. Will I cry if I get U? I wonder also. lols.

Tmr is math, alot to memorize.............. I don't want to be in that awkard situation hearing - "U R NOT DOING JUSTICE TO YOURSELF". his kind of stuffs, once is enough.... I almost teared back then hahah.

Kept wondering if I get DES & UU how? touchwood.

Shouldnt be here at this moment. Should be mugging, like what everyone else is doing.

I can sense that I am drifting apart from the class. That's something for sure& I have predicted. I tried to accustomise myself into the envirnoment I chose(or could I say I forced myself to be in) to be in. But I seems to fail.

Science center today was, not exactly fun, neither was it boring. PCR was new, electrophoresis was er old. lols.

Juggling between work & play, probably is way beyound my ability. I tried to study during this pseudo march holiday. I felt that I failed. Quite alot of things were undone. Math for instance, vectors & APGP. Chemistry, organic chemistry is enough to kill me. Biology like CSE, don't even mention it.

1 week & I would most likey turn myself to be at risk( & I dare say, for the first time in my life). & the consequence, would my already low morale take another blow? Or rather, am I up for another blow, or another fall. Will I climb up in time?

I appear strong, cold and probably even arrogant to some. But who really knows what I am thinking. How I wished that everything was a dream & I could just pass-on beyound this miserable stage of "life".

Alrights..... life still goes on.......... brush, bath & mug

Probably I should just take this common test as a stepping stone but can I really percieve it this way?

About to start APGP, or rather I started, but just after 1 question, I stopped, cause I can't stand it. Arithmetic & Geometric proggression- is like an comprehension passage filled with numbers that replaced the bombarstic words.

It's quite a joke, 1 year passed & soon, I would be left with 3 terms before my final lap in this local Education System. It's pretty fast, and I am just quite annoyed, unprepared & probably lack the confidence to excel.

I do have a dream, or to be more specific, an end in mind. But the way things are turning, I really wondered how things would turn out. I tell myself, if there's a miracle for PW, I would harp on to that dream. If not, why not just let it aside. For my grades probally couldn't get me that far.

Lies, false statements, sour grapes(I am not refering to you, I am refering to cockroach) or even white lies, are everywhere. I tried to differentiate them, but they simply clump and clatter together into a lump, far beyound recognition.

I tried to slow down the pace of life, cause I don't want a stupid relapse or burn out before the main course. But, the trend surronding me, doesnt seems to allow me to do so. I will just have to work abit harder, while at the same time, choose wwho to communicate with, such that I remain humane till the end...................

Phew....... How I wish I could catch some Korean drama like now................... But probably I'll have to go back to APGP. I don't want to end up hearing - you are not doing justice to yourself, or even worst being labelled AT RISK........... lols.

May the blessings to triple merits guide me through this ordeal, and may the peace & serenity that I once own, suroound me as I try to make it to the end of this tunnel.

GP paper yeaterday, I would say that, any kids sitting for that paper would have this in mind. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANNA BE AN ASTRONAUT?

Just hope I could pass, deleate the flying colours, cause is not possible.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be...possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, long lost friend, or even a complete stranger, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Most importantly!!!if you LOVE someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day that you live.

THAT’S THE STORY OF LIFE

I toss a coin, with a prayer to predict what will happen. The predictions is sadly coming true.

It's like so long since I last came online. Tonnes of things happened, almost breakdown. I thought u trusted me but sadly you don't.
-----------------------

Miss Aw's lesson on tuesday was, simply life changing. Every word that she sprouted during that short 1 hour of "life long lesson" really made an impact. Someone who actually phrased your thoughts out, word by word, in such a tactful manner, to make sure that the impact is made, but no harm is done. She's just too skilled for that. A totally different side from her. 7 months, that's all you have. It will determine what you are doing for the next 70 years. If you want to waste it, it's your life. The consequences - gossips and failures that you will face.

----------------------

A level Results. Today. nothing much of the special. Just that I realise one thing - confiding in someone, really really doesnt mean saying whatever you are thinking at that point. For your concern can become the other's distress. Just keep things to yourself, it doesn't kill to do so.

Isolation, is a good way to escape from interaction. For it ensures that you do not intrude other's privacy. Neither would other's be able to peek into your life.

Probably, staying in class during breaks & going to that solitude concer in the library does help.
-----------------------

I do not experience real "emotional stage" . I disagree. I literately was in pieces somewhere now last year. Who knows? Answer is "no one". I appear calm and to some perhaps strong. But who can really look into what is going on in my brain, what I am thinking? No -one does.

I thought I found someone to open up that lock in my heart, that was triple or even quaternary reinenforced( thanks to that "marvellous childhood of mine"). But guessed I was wrong.

----------------------

Birthday - well wishes & wallet. Nothing much other than - appreciate what they did. If only dad was more generous, or should i say, if only those 2 pieces of papers never belonged to my family. Wishes- I didnt pray for anything on this faithful day. For it didnt turn out right(from the start of the year).

-----------------------

Frenetic and indivualistic - that's how the world ought to be described. Glad that I locked this up. If not, who am I telling all these? U? Not now. I wondered, will this cast an end to the story. If it is wise, then probably .............. nvm.

Its rather ironic that when I am well & healthy, I feel like being sick, so that I can run away from that pile of homework. But when I am sick, it feels as though, I have lacked behind. Although, I wasn't really, that much behind..................................

I had 2 consecutive new year, filled with uncertainties. It sets me wondering, whether or not I had made the right choice, whether I should have so sturbornly sticked with my own instincts, whether I would have been better elsewhere. Its dumb, for such thoughts to surface at this point of the time. When you have invested so much in it.

There's still time................. Its really a nice phrase to make things look less complicated. But at times, probably it's just another reason for me to run away from facts.

To be frank, I don't really like where I am(and if I could I would add this phrase - probably from the start, from the moment I entered that door). & yup, some people do notice that I am turning bit "hermit" recently.......................... Would it get worst? I have no idea......... The reason - Some people r pissing me off....... with a bag full of lies.

Asthma after 14 yrs...... what a joke. Probably, I would be bound to another joke soon. But trust me, I swear, I would never let what happen last year happen.

Guess, I would want a slower paced life recently & I think I am adapting to that. Don't want to get burn out before the real things. But neither should I be too complacent, for I agree, there's simply too much uncertainties & lies going around me.

-------------------------------

CNY2010

I call it - 老虎出来咬人。haha. Could have enjoyed it more, if only I wasn't sick. Ang Pao wise, hmmm not bad this year, cause I got tips for packing ang paos hahah. Overall, not much difference, probably lesser............. But the $$ also not I keep so not much difference.

Food wise, bad........ My alll time favourites, pineapple tarts, sugee cookies, floss rolls........... All so near, yet so far........
-------------------------------
NUH
hmmm, not as bad as I thought. Bit worried initially but, generally was fine......


幸福是要自己去争取的

新年，新希望。

但愿
百尺竿头，更上一层楼，
步步高升，智慧如花开。

It really takes quite a bit of effort to comfort yourself that, life is full of ups & downs and you should be prepare to deal with the obstacles ahead.

But it takes even more
- to encourage yourself stay afloat, as deep inside, you already know that you are sinking (fast).
- to believe that miracles will repeat itself.
- to hold faith that the skies will clear & the rainbow would be there smiling at me.

yes, indeed, the road ahead is still long. ( 8 more months, I am just pregnant for 1 month & those morning sickness will just worsen) It's still too early to tell whether at the end of the day, I will sense the warm and welcoming light from the sun, or be trapped further down the endless tunnel. But perhaps, one thing is for sure - just try your best, and let nature take its course.

人活着就是上苍的恩赐, 人的举止是上苍的恩点

If there was another way, I would not be here today.......................................... I did be back, somewhere I enjoy............................ somewhere far away. There's this utterly wrong feeling of wanting to repeat this year, becasue I simply don't feel prepared for it. Feel like giving up.

It's my choice, I ought to carry on, till I really fall..............

Its friday :) I simply love it.

Chemistry tutition was really , I feel like using this word, it was awesome. I actually enjoyed her lessons more than those tutorials in school.& I managed to really understand things, rather than " Dunno , just memorise " ( a famous quote that I heard since day 1 in chem lesson).

& the other thing good about the location ( not considering the fact that it takes exactly 1hr/ trip to or forth my house), I get to buy Marks & Spencer's food & those bread that tantalises my taste buds.
--------------------

Sum up the week.............

Chem quiz , was wasted. I actually knew the correct answers & I had no time, well it's over.
Math, ayo, horrible timings & that horrible teacher, which any o how changed the question.
GP, is really fun without tests & stuffs. & I am sort of the motivated & inspired.
CCA showase was fun :) With ttp being so enthu, missing chemistry lesson, GP lecture.

Got this phrase today..............
Success is not without "U" .

起浮不定

Another awful day. I was rather sadden by bio, I thought I had 22.5 when I got it back. But the fact is that, Mr wong added wrongly. haizzzzz, I got all the eplanation wrong, so my 7/10 MCQ was of no help here. Thus, I ended up with 20.5. A miserable pass. Ee Hong, who f..... sat beside me, kept quiet for 2.5 hours of lesson ( 1.5 bio, 1 chem), and gave me that sian diao look. Whilc sort of the distrubs me abit also. So I sat that 2.5hour quiet also.

CSE, I can only say, the more I attend the Theme 3's tutorials, the more I feel that "I am suitable for Econs".

PE, being in a handball incident prone class, I finally got my share. lols, my specs took the blow for me. My levis frame went out of shape. Hmmm, wonder if I should be thick skined to change it to a esprit one. XD .

& I am more or less settled, that I dont want to go for CNY celebrations next week. Thus I would most likely have my dental clashed with it.

Hmmm, school................ BAD. Just don't feel in place, there's still this feel, I am not suitable for JC kinda feeling. It's dumb I know. & I know the principal was rite that, I should get rid of it soon. But I don't really know, who to consult or who to tell. Cause it's like people will think that I am insane.

Class is as usual, mundane & banal. I am getting sick of it, the lessons & tutorials. I am getting abit emotional during lessons these days.( IDK why, don't ask me) Probably that's why, I sit alone during CSE lecture today, I sit like a bit apart from the rest. I know I should sit with someone during tutorial, cause if not I will just let my emotions take over me sometimes & I will lost track of where the lecturer is at.

I realised that my greatest flaw is that i can't even express my doubts clearly & thus no help could be offered.

Miss Aw was, as usual, fierce, she felt that we have not respected her, for a simple reason, people skipping her lesson. But I think, she doesnt even know that I was away. From the abit " shocked" face she gave me when she saw me standing up, then asking me to go back.

I made a promise to myself, I will not go prom & next yr, I will only collect after people collected theirs.

GP wasted enough of my time le. Time for bio & math le.

过去,当今,未来

Breathe.......... Breathe................ & Breathe...................

I don't know why I was so volatile today. Probably, I was really mad that you kept daoing me.Where should I start typing from? I am blurred confused by thoughts & that chunk of emotions that stirred in my mind, was driving me (to a certain extend) crazy.


Right......... I think I would start here. Probably, the word of trust, the feeling of friendship was broken, after my stupid words. I have this feeling that, the link was broken since. & that, undeniably was my fault. However, I did like to argue back that there are factors which I simply can't accept.


There are some of your actions that I could tolerate, because I know either it has been tough on you or I was at fault. However there are some, which sometimes amazed me.


Friends - is about giving in to one's flaws/diffculties, accepting each other's differences, adapting to one's uniqueness, showing the due concern at appropriate time & probably correcting ________ . I have been adopting this stance since sec4. I know I dun show enough concern but that doesnt meant I dont bother either. But somehow or rather, my inappropriate usage of language protrait my views & actions in a wrong or negative manner.


Why do I always call you to go converstate to your class or les. The reason is simple, I find that I am hurting you too much.& you seems to enjoy their company better than mine. But, it seems like I am running away from my problems. It looks as though I want to ignore you. But why would I? When there's like pratically no one left for me to dwell deep into my thoughts?

Your sms of "DUN WAN tutition" came somewhere during GP. & coincidentally, we were assigned with this question " What is Happiness". Guess it came at a right time. It's about time, I ponder & reconsider the defination of happy.


That sms,on bus, was partially out of anger & partially out of my fear. I really really was anticipating tutition today, but somehow my life was twisted by fate. It turn out sour. I was afraid that it turned out like this.


It was something that I predict would happen today, I had been trying to prevent it. But somehow, it happened. I had let this part of life slipped of my hands, simply because I greased my hands.

Harm is done, but still sorry. sorry for creating so much emoness & stress for you for the past few months. Probably, you would agree that I should let my hands off & fill in the blank - The _ _ _ . Haizzz

This post was not meant to be filled with any agenda.

人没有永远的朋友，也没有永远的敌人

Phewwwww................ Its finally an end to this horribly long & tedious week. Lots of things. tests & quizzes. Think chemistry, compared with the others, was abit of the badly done.

Up next, bio test, chem quiz (again, but this is life), lots of homework. Need to settle down soon, & start mugging. But I am afraid that I might just burnt out easily this year. There's this stupid idea when i see kairos student. (It's abit bad of me but ) I have this stupid stupid idea whenever I dun understand some stuffs, that is - I might become one of them after common test, hahah.

Then there is another thing that will give me this "join kairos feeling" - CHINA STUDIES, there is this very stupid feeling that I will just fail it for a simple reason - I feel super ultra insecure.

I was abit annoyed today during CSE, especially by the fact that after 1 year I still don't know how to write topic sentences !!!!!!!! I was freaking irritated, if not I would not have been so sarcastic to "myself" telling him off that " I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ECONS!" - so should I join Kairos for econs? dumb rite? having such stupid thoughts - only after you have gone through a freaking hellish PROMO period. lols

Maths - is getting more & more boring......... & i dun really like vector, or haha vector teacher.
Chemistry - I am feeling more & more lost .........
GP - is fun, i always enjoyed it, even though I hate + fear seeing it during exams
Bio - I love mendalian , he is really a genius hahah

K, up next is my cousin's wedding :) Shark's fin & yam paste. yeah !!! my all time favourites. & Just being random, in order to prepare for the upcoming battle year end, I am going to nag my mum to buy more & extra more pineapple tarts this year.(hahah, absolutely no link, but who cares cause I simply love these lovely tarts!)& my marks & spencer chocolate chips , I die die wan to buy it ASAP, I am simply missing & craving for them!! They are awesome cookies at affordable & reasonable prices.

沉默中的希望

Today was rather ok. PE was ok, but I am starting to begin to hate the fact that friday PE will be dunno wad physical training, which means I will be all wet & sweaty on my way down to far east.
--------------

Don't really know wad happen between us. Clash of interest, inappropriate usage of words, emotions, rejecting etc................. or probably it was me that's the reason.

Still, I feel that, I am not really deemed appropriate to befriend you sometimes. Cause I just can't find a reason, over why u seems sader whenever after communicating with me( other than those times when I am stupid with my actions & words). While on the otherhand, most people don't do that & that should be the what I considered" correct way" for a friendship.


Probably I was over paranoid or something, but I don't think I am.

友谊如果那么轻易被磨灭, 它就称不上是友情而只是单纯的认清

term 1 week 2 tue mid nite.......

Horrible start. I feel so so drained le. Do I really feel happy in school? Hmmm, probably, chih kiat was right, if I was in another disposition, I would feel even more drained ba. Afterall, although class was not very much of the managable ( with me staring into space during math, daydreaming in biology, making no sense in chemistry & last but not least worrying for china studies during "my own class") , probably the class was enjoyable at times, just enough to keep me alife during class. & the conversation via smses. lols

Tonnes of homework gushing in like tusnami, then there's lecturers after lectures of talks to handle. BTW, china studies is really really "self study" what I call I( YU CHING aka YEW CHENG) teaching himself. The lectures is really really really a sheer waste of time. Sometimes I really wonder - why was I so dumb & naive to think & believe that china studies in english was a subject that was suitable for people with C5 for english. & that econs is only meant for people with B4 & above, when the fact is that I sort of enjoyed listensing & reading econs related stuffs.

Enough complains for now, at least I will wrap off this hectic week with a wedding dinner from my cousin :) ^^. Shark's fin, yam paste my all time favourites . haha & I can do 1 pull up le !!! Yeh ! I broke the egg.

快乐才是成功

110110 - counting down

I am sort of dreading tommorrow 110110. But, life still goes on....... It's an utterly depressing fact that, I with my limited ability, can't change it. The road ahead is definately going to be though, now it's a matter of how rocky it would be and how adaptable I am going to be.

Holiday's over...... I wish that this year's holiday was longer, afterall it was probably one of the best I've ever had.

I am praying sincerely that the next 4 terms ahead will be smooth one, especially the last term.

脚踏实地,希望明天会更好

1st Post for the year. Wonder which word should I use to describe, " exciting" or "tiring" year ahead?

Had been a bit busy recently. But I am glad that, I was given this "busy chance", for if not I would still be in the dark.

School's starting in like 3 days time & my homework is like zzzzzzzzz.......

一言惊醒梦中人