Chatted with people from PES A & B recently. My or rather our conclusion is similar.- Pes C BMT is no kick. Even the PCs felt so. But probably, other than those that came up with this thing, ppl generally felt that Pes C are recruits that brought them a piece of amulet from the specialist and they simply are chao kengs...

I beg to differ. Though many would think that a Pes C defdening for a PES C seems to be defending our pride.

The fact that we are classify under PES C actually reflects that we are flawed in a way or the other. ( To balance my view: Though I am sure there are definately some that created the flaws delibrately.....) And that actually, some flaws seems to be neglected by the organisers.

nvm, too chim, i dunno how to bend my word in that manner that I dun offend the "restricted words"....... Basically I am not feeling well....

People tend to judge a book by its cover. Sometimes, I just hoped that we can spare abit more thoughts for each other. And probably life would have been easier. Humans may then remove our mask and be ourselves.

Asthma is back to haunt me. ....

Phase 2 of BMT

5 weeks in BMT, I would say that I have experienced 2 worlds of BMT. First class and hell like.

Firsty, when you experience a new hell, the old hell is just thrown to the back of our mind. Why? It's simple. The moment we landed our foot on S........, Pulau Tekong, the place where we used to curse and swear at, turns out to be paradise.

Though food on the mainland seems more appitizing, and probably closer to heart than those on tekong. (Because you dont get to taste food that seems to be cooked with seawater fresh from the seas of Tekong, or noodles that are oily like our faces after PT hahaha). One should take into the consideration that people at Tekong are probably more humane, probably we are PES Cs hahah. But seriuosly, its the people you are dealing with that affects your actions, mood and definately the overall experience for BMT. Its not the food or living environment that really matters that much. For the people that we are dealing with, defines the overall well being, as the words and commands the give affects the mental states of indiviuals directly.

My day 3 on mainland was probably the most miserable one. Suffering from a mild fever, sore throat and a rather serve mental discomfort( feeling of lost, insercurity, blurishness, home sick and bit of hopelessness) throughout the day, but having no alternative to voice out made be broke down at last, after the last march for the day. I took half of the alprazolam tablet, and for the first time in many nites, I slept without a dream. These are words which I could never said to ppl around. They are feelings which people do not understand.

My marching sux, I am simply half a pace behind time. Throwing me out of co ordination. Feeling sux, cause I seems to be pulling everyone down.........

And mainland does knows how to play with mentaility pretty well. So well that I appluade them...... The sight of ppl knocking down, screaming and shouting simply irks me beyound belief......... Probably I sympatheized too much, which I should not.

Anyway, just hope that the remaining 4 weeks passes ASAP.............. I dont really think it can be a nice experience, just hope that I get out of there without suffering too much mentally.

BMT PES C2 L9

Phewewwwwwwwwww finally I am back from Tekong, Rocky Hill campsite ( BMTC school 4 to be exact). My feelings now are quite mixed, elated, glad, relieved, and emotional. ( afterall, in like less than 24 hours time I will be back in Tekong AGAIN!!!!)

Before I continue with this post, I think being an recruit or a national servicemen I need to state it clear that I have absolutely no intentions of revealing any secrets ( but I dunno any also) and that the following comments are based on personal feelings and under no cirumstances are the words meant to be personal attacks or disrespect against any higher authority or superiors.

My life as a soldier started on 3rd may 2011 1.45pm. A nostaligic day, whereby the coach ride from Pasir Ris interchange to the SAF ferry terminal and the penguin ride to the dreaded Tekong Island seems ever long..........

Upon arrival, we were ushered into this holding area, had our pink IC exchanged for green ic. Haizzzz, my photo look ugly now.Anyways, then we were ASKED to shout out lots of things, nvm abt it. Its part and parcel of enlistment, the swearing in etc........ Dinner with Julian & parents. & Julian thank you for being there :) Really appreciated it.

After we bid farewell from our loved ones, we were transported to BMTC school 4 by a tunnel, horrendous ride, with terrible downpour. Followed by the collection of the SAF distributed items which weighed like a tonne, almost dislocated some of my limbs on my way up to my bunk........ on 4th floor...... with toilets that cant flush & etc......

The first week was generally bored and kinda relax. With lots of lectures & 5BX was exchanged with AST. I manage to bath everyday, something I am pretty proud of :) The second week starts to become more xiong. Field camp was done, with me suffering quite abit. Handling of weapons was smth I really dont look forward to, afterall, I am just afraid that I loose anything. It's too big a responsiblity which I have no interest in beholding.

Let's start with foot drills, really hate it to the max. Because the drills are simply haizzzzzz diffcult to catch and I think I am too dumb for it. Field camp was bit of torture, having me to sleep in mud despite me having quite serve itches all over my body. Weapons was big no no, I actualy hyperventilated over it. ( Yes I know, it may sound ridiculous, but thats wad happened, even the seargents were bit shocked)

Thats an overview of wad happened & I think wad I can reveal. As for the following I would like to share certain emotions that was running through my brains these 2 weeks.

I was terribly home sick. I miss my mum, my dad, my brother, my friends, my home and my food. For the frist time I felt blessed to have such lovely ppl around me & that really is in gradtidue to the kins around. I will describe it with :家是每个心灵的天堂
......... The food in NS is like either too saltish or too blend or too spicy. And curry or chillies are served every other day......... And once in a blue moon food served can taste rather platable, however, when this happens, we will have to trade it for a shorter meal time. This is life, we never get a complete set, ut at least we get half a set......... & my mum cooking is the best in the world.

I am really terrified by explosives & was rather glad that I was exempted from it, for I mentioned above, even the sighting of explosives can caused me to enter this compleete mode of tension and anxiety.

I really hated the vulgarites, swears , curses, shoutings for no apparent reason thrown out of the superiors mouth. It just irks me and scares the wits out of me. Making me felt enxious, pressurized, terrified and go blank........ Sometimes I just felt like hiding, but I know that I have to face certain realities.

I felt that all the stress and pressures in the army had not helped with my recovery but like my bunk mates that shared my sentiments, worsen my present scenario. I just hoped that I am adapting and that I dun have to add on to my medication dosage....... Because there were times that I simply felt helpless and meaningless to the extend of going blank...........

Thats abbt it, booking in at 1850 tmr..........Time to clean up. :)

Can't really find an exact word, verb or any english word to describe my current feelings. Full of anxiety,( nt full but mixed with worries, discomfort and a feeling of seige. Its butterflies in the tummy huh? No idea.

Anyway, there's many hopes/wishes that I am carrying with me to tekong. The hope of not being "te kan " ( aka ill treated or bullied ) by ( I cant say who here haha) . The hope of being able to blend into the surroundings & I mean camouflage. The hope of having the ability to complie, do & complete wadever sai kang given ( yes that includes run......) . The hope of being able to mingle with whoever shares the bunk with me. & The hope that I would nt be mentally affected too much ( Afterall I know wads in for me, quite eeeewwwww).

That's last post. Cya in 2 weeks.

Had lunch at swensens today. Something like chicken cutlet with chips but they didnt call it in that manner, after that lemond tea at Bakerzin. Nothing much happened today. Thanks for the well wishes.

Anyway,I am again down with a rather serious throat infection, just hope it doesnt bring me fever in NS & it allow me to consume wad ever I was given without much problem. Lying shallow for 2 years- thats wad I was advised to do , by doctors , friends and perhaps family.

To date, things havent been quite smooth, it might get rougher. Just hope that there's a fairy tale ending of living happily ever after. I will get through it, bearing this in mind, I am one day left to my first virgin visit and stay in TEKONG.

上苍有好生之德，愿一切顺心如意，平安吉祥，贵人相助，小人远离。。。。。。。

Just read some RJC guy's blog. Apparently, this author just completed his 3 mths stint in BMTC 4. Through his words, the field camp was projected to me in such an utterly disgusting manner, that I can't find a stronger word other than fear for it.

Anyway, 3 mths passed & yup, I was back at NUH yesterday for my check up with the psychiatrist.It wasnt a very pleasant experience. I would consider psychiatrist to be a fotune teller. Afterall, they read my face like a book. I was quite taken aback when I was told that I dun look good & in return I gave my answers to his comments. It wasnt a nice experience because somehow, I was told to take my condition in a more serious light, for from my results, my condition had somewhat affected my performance quite adversely.....( I am quite glad with this comment coming out from a proffesional's mouth, as this literally means that I TRIED)

But, on the flip side of the coin, this means that I will have to continue with my usual medication for 3 more months. This decision came in view of me having to serve NS and the fact that I have been having diffculties from sleeping.......... well, I cant do much for now. & I might have slight depression...... which is another sickening thing.....

On top of that, I was advised to continue with NS for now, afterall, ( I dun really know how to bring forth wad I wanna say here so I will leave this part blank as of now.)

Catch up with Jeremy & pei Jun, its a wonderful nite, thank you for walking me home :)

Reflections on my work experience at Conrad.

I only realize that my last official day of work at Conrad Contennial Singapore at 10.30 pm 14 April 2010. It was an utterly sad ending, like the somewhat bad and unhappy starting. But ignoring the head & tail, the process has been a meaingful, beneficial and perhaps memorable one.

My Last day

I spent 14th April without knowing that it was my last day. But thinking back the sequence of events that ufolded seems to be a series of mistakes destined to happened as a form of retribution to Bruno. ( LOL I SOUND SO BAD HAHHA)

It all started with a plate of Royal Chocolate Hazelnut ( Conrad's signature cake). Apparently, the new Bernard in my Kitchen had placed it on the lowest stand and actually made the silliest mistake of over decorating other plates of cakes ( apparently, the caramalised pear mouse cake) with rainbow coloured frosted sugar piece that resulting in the outshine of our Royal Hazelnut. Hence Bernard was angry with new Bernard & me being the senior casual labour have to take up the pile of shit and make the new arrangements & apologise on new Bernard's behalf. Beacuse, the new Bernard suggests that the old Bernard has no sense of Cake deco& was rather fed- up with new Bernard's "suggestions"........ nvm, its a small matter.

The 2nd incident of the day is linked to the third mistake. It was like 8.30 pm, when business at Oscar was super busy( thanks to 112 reservations, zzzz), but some how, Bernard came and topped up everything and, there was this very very short time when I am free, so I decided to make a trip to gift shop, without remembering that William is OVERALL IN CHARGE for the day. After making a pact with my friends from cold kitchen, I brisked off to gift-shop and was rather elated to realise that there's still a royal available. My eyes were like blink blink haha..... Paid and made my way back to Oscar. Was so suay, suay enough to ump into Willam. Its like thunder storm, should hab told him that I went to check reservation zzz but probably its seige mentaility, I told him the truth & surprisingly he let me off, with just a stern glare, but enough to scare the wits out of me....... Then he started patrolling pastry side. It's like hell can. I left for 2 mins & all the fruits were gone, I was like WTH, no choice, he took out his formidable weapon, the camera & naturally the utterly disgusting state of the fruits were pictured. Oh well, nothing could be done. He called the kitchen & hell know whad happens. Anyway, thats the end of the 2nd episode.( & cold kitchen was quite nice to counsel me telling me that its alrite, nthing big will happen to me haha)

The 3rd and last matter of the day, was a deliberate mistake by me. I dun really care. Because the snapping of pictures by william irks me beyound believe, thus I simply felt like taking a risk of irritating him abit further.I knew that I should never pour away food at the buffet station as William sees it as a gross disrespect to the food we are selling, but I find that its already a major sin to pour away food every nite. Thus, I decided to do a little trick. Pour the food all into the same plate & cover the plate with a piece of cloth, hahah. I really didnt expect him to be so angry by my act that I literally saw him fuming from his nose, but still he didnt scold me. hahah, and I even have the cheek to tell him that waiters does this also muahahaha...... Who cares, if I know that it was my last day early in the day I would have pulled him to the dustbin, telling him that by throwing away tonnes of food is 造孽,责寿already. wad an idiot.........

Anyway, after the somewad long and suey day, when I was back in kitchen, my sis informed me of my last day, I was like -.-llll , sad utterly sad. She was like" we should have known earlier and made cakes & brought down more good food for u. Dun be sad, u still wan to work? I ask the boss for u" " 美好的时光总是匆匆而过."haizzz but, they did manage to prepare smth for me, I shall nt reveal anything here hehe :)

That nite, joey, pei pei, pei qi, Kelvin walked me to the MRT, it was a sad good bye. An abrupt end to the chapter. We felt that Bruno was a bit mean and irresponsible to not inform me of my last day.

Reflections

Chef Joey, I was in particular grateful to her, my sister. Being teochews, we spoke nothing but teochew in the kitchen, as though we were real siblings. She was really helpful, kind and nice to me. She taught me many things and was really daring enough to trust my ability to allow me to cook things like genash, make cookies etc. Its a once in an lifetime experience. I will miss her :)

Pei pei, Sue, Ken are nice people that I have met in my life :)

Bruno, a u....... guy in the kitchen. Gave me an utterly disgusting ending.

Shu Pei, a irritating woman, glad that she's no longer in the kitchen.

Anyways I really enjoyed my days there. Thank you everyone :)

6D5N 汕头,南奥,潮洲,普宁 . 游 .

I was in Guangdong Shantou province for a 6D5N tour cum relative visit trip.

Day 1

The trip started off at Terminal 1 , Changi Airport. ( which I am too bored of, cause I seems to always go to that terminal, probably because my choice of planes are always cheap lol). Anyway, took Jetstar's direct flight to Shantou Waisha Airport, which cost me a freaking $350/ 1-way trip / head....... Had self paid lunch on board.It was freaking expensive and not a worthwhile experience...... The reason being my $8 vegetarian meal had pathetic servings of 料 to go with the super dry and chewy thai fragrant rice......... and my mum had a bowl of congee ( which is just plain poridge with sugar, neligible amounts of mock chicken & peanuts)that cost a bomb of $8 !!!! LOL ( They like 8, I dunno why hahha)

Anyway, I dun blame them for that...... Reached Shantou at around 6pm, hmmmm was rather glad to be recieved by the guide and realise that me & my mum were on a private tour comprising of only two of us hahah and soon we were whisked off to the city of Shantou. There we had our first meal, hmmm not bad ( PS, forget wad I ate le haha, is some hong kong food). Ignore the meal for now, after that we checked into 龙湖宾馆, 4 * hotel that is situated directly beside the city's governor's office. COOL hahah........ ( stayed in that hotel for the first 3 nites, the breakfast buffet was awesomely teochew & I seriously like their fried rice & fried noodle & surprisingly their 九菜果 is really different from ours)

The weather there is super cool (cold) & dry, making me suffer from frost bites at nite, even though I had a 3 inch thick blanket, bleeding from my fingers without me knowing or rather sensing it.

Day 2

Woke up super early that day, cause I need to 赶船.After my hearty breakfast :) , I found myself to be on the way to 南奥岛. The road to the ferry terminal was freaking brezzy, lol. After 0.5 hours wait, I was driven onto that ferry that ferried me & my vehicle across the sea to 南奥岛 so cool hahhaah, the seawater even splashed onto the car I was on. :) The ferry ride is about an hour.

南奥岛 is an 外岛 of China, which is situated pretty near Taiwan. It was rummoured that the island's 相思树never bear's 相思seeds because Taiwan didnt reunite with Taiwan. But in a more scientific reason, it is simply because the wind on the island was so strong that the seeds drop before the even have a chance to ripe...... Anyway the island is a prestine island, graded as AAAA class natural site in China. The air is so fresh with freaking cold wind gushing towards me. The scenary is also breathtaking, fishfarms, antique residents, wind tubines, mountains & pine trees. Marvellous place to be in. Lunch was simply enjoyable, ate this special seafood, that is like jellyfish, but its not, chewy yet tasty :) After lunch, I was again whisked off to the ferry terminal, ( in a rush), because if not, I might still have been trapped on the island. Because the wind was exceptionally strong that day, resulting in limited number of ferry rides avaliable. But luckily, we reached the ferry terminal early enough :) Allowing me to do wad I like most SHOPPING hahaha. Brought lots of dried goods, 鲍鱼,干贝,海渗,海柳丝,紫菜,at a really really reasonable price :) .

After that was shopping at 南国商场. Due to time constrain I didnt manage to get much things. The haggling of price took me too long lols. But I was definately pleased with my buys from there. The detailed craftsmenship is exceptional. :) I should have brought MORE...... Things r really really cheap. A blazer cost only SGD $35!!!!

Day 3

Went 潮洲 via car. Had vegetarian lunch that day,after that visited 千年古刹开元寺. Really can feel the aura of the temple - 佛光普照大地之子.... Donated a bit, made some wishes & proceeded to 状元街 via 三轮车. Next up is 牌坊街,广挤桥. After which went to this very nice place I forget where le, the scenary is just awesome....... :) Day ends early.

Day 4

Did sightseeing in 汕头 itself climbed this er cave, with splendid lightings ( natural, not artificial) 别有洞天is how I described it. When we peaked, WOW it's like 置身云端,威风阵阵.Took cable car down, simply fantastic hahah.

After that I sort of forget where I go le, I only know I had luch then it was 2hrs ride back to 普宁, my mum was so happy that day :) It was like 这趟圆了我妈40yrs回乡探亲的梦.

To be continued

Just back from a holiday that arrived at a right time............ I consider it as a "runaway" from certain things. I'll have a post on my holiday asap. I actually intended to have a post on it, but certain facts simply gushed back into my mind upon my arrival to Changi Airport........

I wanna erase something away from my life, but they simply remain as facts that I find it disgusted. Too much overwealmed me in these years. I wanna start all over again.

I might need another getaway soon, before NS.

YES, I AGREED THAT I MAY BE USELESS, YET I FELT HELPLESS ABOUT IT. ( at least at this moment.) the twists & turns are really irritating. the hopes that glimmer are the forces that nagvigate me, yet it is also the idea that shut me off from lots of opportunities.

Dim Sum buffet with Joan, Miao Ling, An an, Xiu Hui, Julian, Mr & Mrs Lim at Red star restaurant( in chinatown area), an antique restuarant that serves really mouth watering authetic dim sum. :) Mr Lim drove us down haha :) Ate lots of Har Gao ( pran dumpling)simply love them muahahahah. Desert was almond jelly, Not bad, they manage to control the strength of the almond, which most restaurants couldnt manage to. After that went jalan jalan with the gang :)

& yah, proceeded to Conrad, yah, the routine work work work, sian .......

k, I was rather emoish tonite. I know why I felt this way. If I say that I am not jealous, 我是骗人的. Its impossible, cause I am a human & I do have feelings. But, I simply cant stand the hour bus ride home. It seems to take me forever tonite. Alot, really alot of images flashed through my mind, I havent felt so clear for preety long & yup, haiz nvm.................. I need to let go, I know. 附水难收...... 我也任了.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I'll be flying off on monday, yeh yeh yeh hahahah :) It'll be a busy day tmr, I'll be packing like mad & registering, o well I hope I can finish everything in one day.

Woke up super early today, its like I have never woke up this early before. Went for HSK level 6 briefing, was rather smooth, met Mrs Lee I was like 我们真有缘... Then met Mr Lim. Went home snoring like a pig, cause I was dead tired.

Had dinner at Ajisen with julian & miao ling..... The soup base is so nice hahahahaha. Chat alot.

PART 1

I have quite a fair bit to write today, alot of thoughts and emotions stirring in my mind. I have communicated with alot recently & if you guys noticed, I have changed, I felt that there's no need to keep so much things to myself anymore. Yet I still have the feeling of (quite) insecure, abit confused, abit lost, and lastly abit lost in faith of humans.

For once probably I would type here, wad I told my psycotherapist. I won't reveal who you are but, you know who you are. I felt abit cheated( lols, I used this word, when I am not even in a relationship, and u should nt even be in a relationship with me in the first place.),and uneasy to certain things that we did together. That's the first thing. I am quite irked by your reactions towards certain isses towards last part of yr 2009 & 2010.

Through all these you thought me wad is called double personality & accepting what you are as a friend is an obligation you felt I should( without sparing a thought for others). And yes, after some form of affirmation, you contributed to my condition today, a lost in faith in mankind to certain degree. haha.

And I DO HOPE THAT I COULD HAVE YOU ERASED FROM MY MIND. I DONT MIND IF U COULD STOP SMSING ME. I was initially quite glad to recieve some noise from you, but thereafter, I am quite irritated. I thought that you have somewad changed, but probably as the phrase goes - 狗改不了吃屎( It's the worst thing I could scold, its better than F words which u spilt out). So you didnt, 利字当头,人性显露...... 哈哈, nvm, vanish from my face& please, dun disturb me with any sms when I am overseas :)

PART 2

It's about my uni addmision, I do hope that I could get into chinese now. Cause, afterall, I dun need to 大富大贵like wad mrs lee said. I just need a normal peaceful life till ripe age. But the sense I am getting is that, competition this year seems to be freaking intense, SMU even asked ppl to go retake As zzzzzzz......... I hope I get into chinese now >.<

These comforting thoughts, came from 2 inspiring sources, Mr Lim and Mrs Lee. They both felt that I should be alrite there & me too. ( BTW, I met them at HSK briefing in school today) I am still dead hopeful about entering accountancy. I wanna take accounts, it's my dream , really. So I will 博 my chance, I will mug like hell in first year, I swear. 我真心祈求希望老天不要再辜负我这个有心人了....Its my 3rd & most probably last chance to fullfill a dream. 我只能秉着上仓有好生之德的希望走下去......

一点露,一支草,铁树也会开新花.......

Phewwwwwwww, did quite alot of things today.... Tired ttm.... Hooked on to this song -人生路 in hokkien.... Found it quite nice.

浪子也有回头日,歹子弹也有出头日.

人情冷暖.

人没到入土时,一切靠自己.

Haizzz initially, I thought I could go on leave today, but my boss smsed me..... nvm, its $24 more $.$ hahah

Just out from NTU's open house. Nothing very intersting....... But managed to get bit of information. Chinese & sociology, I am deciding between the 2 of them.....

Anyway, Ytd's was really a fun& blessed day for me. Though its quite sddening to hear that tusnami hit Japan.......

Booked my air tickets to Shantou via the net, first time in my life haha. Flying by jetstar cause there's no any other airway to that place. Many said that my air ticket's freaking ex......Anyway, then rushed down to SA tours to get my hotels & itinery fixed. Yeah, 4 star hotel throughout the stay at shantou hahah :) I'll be away & uncontactable from 21st to 26th March ............ lalala I'll come back as a true blue teochew hahas

After that did abit of shopping with mum & yah as usual she bought stuffs........ Then rushed down for work. ( nothing special)

But at nite when I reached home, I was rather surprise to find a crumpler, a camera cupboard & a new DSLR 70D, I was like OMG, hahahah such a nice day of surprises :)

The week would be a busy one :) & lastly may the light of dharma & blessings of buddah be with the victims of japan's tusnami. haizzz, natual disasters are horrible......

I just read Jeremy's tumbler....

Humans have insaistable needs & wants, because we are inately greedy, we wanna grab everything we want. We have the urge to get wadever we can. That's wad pushes/causes/forces us to make actions or decisions which are either life changing or geographically impactful.

It is through these insastible needs & wants that humans develope wad we called dreams, aspirartions, goals and wishes, which are basically are a mixture of mentality that serves to guide us along towards certain pathway in our life( as a human being). And, this is also a point that differnetiates us from animals, we have something in mind( other than hunting for food, finding a secure living place and reproducing to ensure that our family line is passed down) to accomplish.

I'll continue this post, cause I dunno how to continue it at this point. hahah

To those who are reading this blog, pls tag at the side.

I went for my first psycotherapy session ytd at NUH, it didnt turn out like a counselling session (as I have expected), it ended up making felt abit like an experimental bait. Sitting down there being bombared with questions & they are tough, mostly comprising of "WHY?".

The whole conversation revolves around 2 topics- 1 person & 1 issue.I was rather pleased with it. though I felt that my privacy had been intruded, at least they forced me to clear my thoughts, for the cause of my condition & my treatment will follow up.

Casting that episode aside, I was again pleased that I could choose between sociology and chinese now, instead of chinese only. I was thinking about major in sociolgy and minor in chinese language translation. Afterall I did thought about being a translator before :). I just hope that I get into uni, and that's it. I dun need a scholarship. I just wanna be a happy person with enough to get a house, a condo & have a family, lead a healthy and happy life till the end. That's all I want. It's simple, yet it's simple things that are tough.

I read jude's blog justnow. felt abit emotional lol. Although life's in our control, but it is not up to us to control the outcome. It is us who nagvigate our directions, but it is not us who chooses the outcome. Luck still plays quite a big portion in our life. I wanna consider myself as bad luck in exams, but probably I am not really that bad afterall. Just that, I had been played around by fate.

I cant really let go of the facts yet, but at least I made my decisions le. I need time to let go. Cause, I don't know how.

天意弄人

Thank you to those who talked to me these few days. I am feeling vexed, but I hope time eases things. Thats the last thing I could hope for.

It's a pleasant surprise. Thank you.

虽然是决定了,但难免掩饰不了心中无耐,忧郁的心情. 担心是少不了的, 迟疑就免了吧.毕竟这似乎是唯一的选择了. 希望一切安好.

WOke up today, trying to convience myself that everything was just a dream. But, the reailty is, YESTERDAY HAPPENED. My aspirations are down the drain.

Had lunch and movie with Mr Ching, Julian and ee hong thankyou for being there to occupy my thoughts. Watched 大世界, movie was somewad ok, I only like the ending part.

Sort of made up my mind, I'll try chinese in NTU. If possible under scholarship with NIE?? HAHA I might be dreaming. I know that, I might sound as though I am making this decision out of sheer desperate.But, at least, on a second thought, chinese had been something closer to my heart than any other things ( other than bussiness or accountancy). So perhaps, it's heaven's will for me to move towards that direction.

尘埃落定.

Sometimes I wondered, how much harder must I try, then I would get it. Am I destineed to be 不是读书的料？ CC CCB AB this is my A level grades, it does reflect my level of work&effort isnt it?? lol, wad a joke. Suffering so much for straight Cs...... nice one. hahaha

Wad a nice ending to everything/ 2 years.

I hold back my tears, for once, I felt that I was strong, haha, but I need fresh air away from others.

Hi kc, I doubt u r reading this, but still congrats. U have the option& choses to make, while I hang on to the miserable truths.

U r blessed, and I am not. Thats wad I would like to say.

Take it as a stepping stone, life's not about grades, Muahahah, I lead a life in singapore, if its nt about grades, wad's it about? Someone, pls, use another angle to measure life beyond grades. I still see them connecting together.

I doubt I could survive on an ITE cert, which my dad lived on, earning enough to purchase propertie"S" & I stress the "S" , feed the other 3 mouths at home, at the very end have savings enough to bring me through uni(without a loan) and yes probably not that much but still enough for retirement.( bearing in mind not a single cent was from his parents)

I wished that I could be a kampung kid now, with a piece of land, some $$ no need that much, in malaysia, that allows me to farm, eat my own produce and thats it. Away from the bustle and hussle. But these are just dreams and probably a pipe one.

At least, I won't have to lost a close friend, get hooked on to medication, have sleepless nites and at the very end lost everything that seem so important from the start - GRADES .

I lost too much in these 2 years. I would have ignored the grades if I knew this was THE END

I feeling quite disturbed that, time passes so freaking fast that I am already 3 months passed 2011, that I am right into the eve of A level release and that I have to face wadever nonsence grade I have produced 4 months back..............

I doubt I will hold on to the fact that as the clock ticks by, I'll have to spend more effort to calm myself, get myself into the relaxed mode, such that I will remain normal.

I do hope that by choosing to work tonite is a good option to occupy my brains with some sweet stuffs, such that I can cast the utter disgusting fact of judgement day aside and probably have a final good nite rest ( before the awakening judement day that will knock some sense into me, that I have to face the reality)

I wish that it will be a fine day tmr, and that I wont recieve something disappointing ever again!!!

Finally, to 09s02, may tmr be a pleasant one for you, but if it turns out slightly sour, take it in stride, for it's not the alphabets that determines us.

it's final, 4th march 2011, A level candidates can report to their respective institution to collect their GCE A level results after 2.30 PM.............

Hmm, 3 more hours & I'll be at Conrad, working ......... But I am rather glad recently, cause I get to run the ballroom & functions le :) yeah, finally, I am doing things beyound waffles & ice cream haha :)

Anyways, haizzz, it also means that it's less than 1 week, 5 days to be specific, to the results release........... Feeling quite nostalgic about it.....

Had an awesome day out with Ee hong, Jasper, Julian, Cindy, Hazel today :) But I think I'll elaborate about it in the later part of my post tonite.

For now I would like to ventilate a bit, I am also sarting to have jitters over my results next friday liao. though it's not official, but the rumour seems to have transfromed into a fact that " NEXT FRIDAY 4TH MARCH 2011 WILL BE JUDEGEMNET DAY IN WHICH, A LEVEL RESULTS IS RELEASED" Though the timing is yet to be confirmed ( revealed by the relavant authorities via the singapore one & only media company MEDIACORP lol) but yup, I like all normal kids out there stay firmed to affirming this rumour as a fact.

& here I am worrying about the day, will I be in tears of despair (again) ? Wad if I fail my GP? wad if I can't chose my path again? What if I fail ( or rather, get straight Ds ??) ? & there's one more question now, WILL I HYPERVENTILATE? ( I am like touchwood) Everyone hopes that our phone will ring after 9am on 4th march to congratulate us, but the number of calls that would eventually be made has already been fixed. Mandate of heaven has been fixed, awaiting to be delivered at the scared moment to each indiviual............. Haizzzzzzzzzz

Anyway back to reality, had a great time at jurong point today with above mentioned people, they have made my day or leave worthwhile :) Had ala cart buffet at Zhou's kitchen, hmmm food was ok ba, service quite hayo, Played monopoly deal at kopitiam. Movie was I am number 4. Dinner was fish & chips. Had an awesome chat with both hazel & ee hong :)

Life's unpredictable, we are bestowed with the ability to choose but this does not translate into guranteed entittlement or ownership. This is reality, this is life........

Went out to shop & dinner with Jasper only cause no one can make it................. Initially only plan to recomb Bugis, but ended up outside Pan pacific, passed by Conrad, entered Suntec, visit Amanda at Croc's sale ( which smell rubbery), shopped at Suntec............. At the end of the trip, jasper had 3 bermuda's, 2 long pants & made a new membership while I was the proud owner of a new shirt at a dirt cheap price hahah

Had tea at dunno wad, ate brownies, dinner was 南翔小笼包............................

Hmmm, heard stories of NS, it's like s**t seriously ( I am not revealing any secrets, so M.NDEF dun sue me hahaha) 60 ppl to 1 or 8 toilets depending on yr luck. It's like WTH. Hmmm, jeremy say I will die inside & I sorta agreeeee lol

Job is getting more & more boring, ttm .............................. My life is surrounded with sweet stuffs like macroons, cheesecakes& financer which are dam boring to make. Y not let me made cheese sticks or bread more often, or maybe strawberry with chocolate coating

Has been wondering if , things have worsen, nites are getting longer & worst................... The question remains, whether its a good idea to see a psychologist only after I recieve my A's....... I thought, I should see him or her first, for perhaps they could prepare me physically, mentally & emotionally. Haizzz but how do I change the schedule??

Hmmm, leave after valentine's day seems great, afterall, my v day nite was irritated by some idiots again............. But , o well, at least there's cakes & things to keep me company :) Roses for me to play with hahah.

Today's leave was sort of the very much well recieved by me, though I am so freaking free that I dunno wad to do now :)

U sensed the message & I am pretty glad that you did. Its a good end, thank you, good bye :) No doubt you will survive, but still all the best

Its been a month since my last post, has been busy catching up. Literally met everyone that I am keen in meeting & catching up & gossping with. Did lots of shopping at Bugis, orchard, suntec......... Astons, etc..........

It's also been a month since I started work at conrad, everyone is awesome, except non other than SP. The chefs are nice to offer me food :), the cooks+waiters are good company( the jokes, the fun is memorable) & my big teochew sister which speaks to me in only teochew, turning the kitchen into teochew restuarant kitchen hahaha............... Pay is ok, with CPF contributions :) ( SP usually ruin my day so I shall not comment much about it)

Had a pretty bad throat infection, with white dots in my throat, seen a freaking ex specialist at Mt Elizebeth hospital................. Tried antibiotics that was once considered allergicccc........ Decided to heed the advice of continuing my medication & see a psychologist now :) hope it will get better( though I doubt it will get any better soon but still yah).............

3 more mths to NS, everyone felt that I should start working out hahah....... Tekong seems like hmmmm, unfriendly still. Nvm, will unfold that mysterious look it gives soon........

1 more mth to results, hmmm I would say I am starting to have jitters? hahah Planned to have 3 consequtive days of leave upon recieving the results release date, afterall I don't know how it will turn out & how I will react ( though I sort of the prepared for the worst)

CNY, had a great time this year, visits to relatives house was reduced significantly & I am quite glad with that. & Instead, visits to friends house really made my day :) Had my first experience of being 庄稼or 财神 at jasper's house ( playing 21 dots, which I lost quite abit of $$$$). Played Wii at Julian's house........... Thank you everyone for the fun & company :)

As usual, temple trips were included in this yr's new year itinary. Such trip usually gives me hint on things, but this yr the hints seems to go haywired, caused there's chaos in the temple....... lols, my wishes are simple, hope they come true. I emphasise on certain things more than those more important ones, wrong priorities but certain things does meant alot to me. Especially after a hard year.

I should hve answered, replied or rather contact you, but I choose not. There's certain things that I should try to erase & let go of some past, till than peace will return............. Avoiding is not an option, but I hope the message has been sent.

On a lighter niote, there's still tonnes of cny goodies, totally & I stress TOTALLY untoched at home........... perhaps this is one of the perils of working in a pastry department hahah, pastries, cakes & all things sweet, looses their luster and appeal to me..................

在此祝愿各界万事胜心皆如意,百德吉祥皆可达,身心安康,福慧増长,六时吉祥,步步高升

I think I am beginig to adapt & enjoy my job le. X.X Though the fact that the morning & afternoon shift are gonna change irks me beyond believe................. Cause, I enjoy being with the nite shift people more than the morning ones ( thats definate & for sure).

Waffles, crepes, brownies, sufflce, ice cream, eeeww , may sound nice, but yucks, I am sick of them especially to waffles. standing at the waffle station making waffles(EVERYDAY), scooping ice cream is turning me off towards such delicaies........... Cakes, mouse, pies, tarts( bearing in mind that some are even plated with edible gold or silver foil) simply turns me off nowadays. Cheesecakes,macroons & strawberries used to be my weakest point. Nowadays I seem so used to their presence, and probably tired of eating them & throwing them into the dustbin that I stopped being so fatancised by them. & on top of that, the evil karma I attained thanks to pouring them away (DAILY)......................... Even lemon tea, seems so common recently, considering the fact that I can use the lemon flesh to make lemonade ( cause if I dun use it, they will throw) or simply exit the pastry kitchen & head for the canteen for free unlimited lemon tea...............

But I managed to learn a new term today the word chocolates could actually be replaced by the word praline hahahah, next time I will eat praline & not chocolates, sounds contradictory rite lols

k, got my pay today.............. :) It's like finally hahaha............. Went shopping at suntec, brought a shirt X.X hahaha

2011, guess this year might be better..........................

Spent the eve of 2011 at Conrad contential Hotel, working as pastry chef...... lols...... It was a unforgetful nite, with good food ( can't risk saying anything, but jasper u definately missed out quite a tonne of good stuff) after the end of food, was a feast for my eyes, at the 4th level of conrad, watched fireworks........... Lovely wad a nice start to the brand new year...............

Had leave today, went out with ee hong, julian & cindy, fun :) ate I forgot wad le, but the company was simply good :) Played monopoly dunno wad, was simply fun & enjoyable. Thank you guys :) for making my day :)

My pay haven't reach me yet !!!!! :( They better pay me or else O$P$ lols jkjk

Time to start my new year shopping hahas :)