I SERIOUSLY wondered about the meaning of your presence. U brought me literatelly everything, happy, sad, emo , stress everything.

I can say that, my condition today was 1% because of you. You, dont really know what I am feeling. At times, some stuffs just happened. I really didnt wanted these things to coincide, but somehow they did. And it not only create troubles for you, but it stresses me.

I exploded that time, because I thought I should let go. & now, I really felt that I should let go. If you think its my fault I accept it.

I really hope that I would not be affected by you, as much.

---------------------------------

My condition, & I am using that, looks optimum to her, but it is like a roller coaster ride, ups & downs. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I am really trying very hard to get down to work, and I mean work!

Was rather, feeling emo today. And I think that classroom has too much "YIN QI", making me emo everytime I am in. Math was C abit depressing, but like what she say, it is just a rehersal, accidents do happen, take it in my stride and move on.

I liked what Cindy posted......

人都是很自私的，都是为了自己的利益在做事。
如今，所谓的公平在这世上存在着什么的意义？
你得到你想要的但你有想过你是怎么得到的吗？
你是靠自己的实力还是，是踩着别人的肩上位？
把别人说的一文不值，难道就是你所会的一切？
或许你并没发现但你的言语却伤透了别人的心。

你应该惭愧的道歉而不是继续嚣张的自以为是。
或者说，如果你不要道歉但至少可以自觉反省。
你让一个满怀希望的人，从天堂掉入了地狱里。
难道你心里变态所以对你而言这是一种乐趣呢？
我真的搞不懂，你难道就不会感到一丝愧疚吗？
在你虚伪的假面具下，你到底是怎样的一个人？
答案只有你自己知道但我想，你只是个空蛋壳。
华丽的外壳骗了不少人但腐烂的内心让人反胃。
我甚至怀疑你与我或别人的友情，是真还是假。

If there's another way, or rather, if I knew there would be today, I would not have chosen this way. But, since I am already here. I ought to make it there, for it is only then would my grivenaces be justified.

In the mist of picking up the debribs, an arguement came.
I wonder if I'll pick up the momentum in time to catch up with things. I am neither slow nor fast now.

She's right, just do what you can. Homework need not nessarily be done all on time. Believe that you'll get there & with the effort, you will get there. Even if I feel like walking out of class, just stay there & bring your mind to a higher level. Running away does not solve the problem..........

Alrites back to mugging.... still gt math test tmr.... I dun wan E again. It's this stupid E that literately tore me apart into this pathetic state that I am in now......

快乐才是成功

Feeling light, relaxed & probably happy today. That emo feeling is finally clearing off........... Mrs Low seems to read me more than a book and know me as thought she knew me all these while. Hope I can be normal soon & get back to mugging, real soon.

A B for PW. I would say, I expected it all these while. I would say that it's the WR that caused the A. The B seems abit useless, after hearing that 95% of the school got A or B.

One thing good about everyone having a B is that, we don't feel that shitty feeling of inferior or mistakes. But the bad thing is, CaiLin's straight A will be gone. Felt bit bad over it. lols

It's over.

Probably, she's right. If I were to continue, without exploding, I am driving myself towards a cliff, is just when I'll fall. I am experiencing both the positive and negative sides of motivation. I have driven myself way off my limits.

She used this analogy, there's 3 kinds of runner. A, started with full steam, but eventually, his lungs can't take it, he collapse it half way. B, is simply too scared to continuing, for he keep comparing , and looking at the left and right sides, seeing only how fast people run, without realising that he also has his potential. B gave up eventually. & lastly, there's C. C ran with a consistent speed, but he made it, for he just stick to his ideas and be consistent.

The moral of the story, it's not how fast we run, how many times we bloom. It is how well we bloom at the end, that really matters.

I was finally smiling again. Yew Cheng haven't been smiling genuniely for a long time. No one notices that. I appeared strong in front of literatelly everyone. But superficial things doesnt last, eventually everything came apart.

I started moving again, but this time, I know, I can't afford to breakdown again. She said that I need to start slow. Yes, I agree, and I am probably having a short break for now. & my health.... I don;t want to have a 3rd attack, which might put me on bed for a week......

If I am destintied for accountancy I'll reach there, if not no matter how hard I work, things wont work out. There's always a greener pasture out there awaiting for me to discover.

苍天恩德， 佛恩浩大

我的存在，
你的出现，
不是机缘巧合，
而是冥冥中自有安排。

由心感谢

After keeping everything to myself for such a horrendously long period of time. I have finally confided to 2 adults at one go. ( I should have said, I exploded)

Meet Mdm Song on thursday, initally thought I would have a consulation with her. But the series of events took a turn, a surpirsing one. Never did I thought that I would see Jessie. Neither did I thought of seeing her tearing ( due to Miss Aw's : wad happend?). She saw Mdm Song & she started ...... yah. Then she was brought to aside. I waited.

After 0.5 hrs, my turn, I asked wad shld I do to math........ ( she said & stuffs & my mood starts to change for the worst). Eventually I cant take it I cried also.... Then we went over to a quite corner. I finally confided to her how horrible I felt... & that I felt like dying.... She's shocked, I could sense that..... She tried consoling me but, her attempts failed.

I began to hyperventilate & ...... she called the counsellor. I went down to the office, went into the VP's office ( VP went home , so we used her office instead. Think the P saw me, but she kept her silence, which I was glad she did), by then I was pale , white completely horrible. She brought in a cup of hot water. We sat there for an hour, she calm me down and we chatted.

Guess I was holding on to too much things, feared for too many negatives, that lead me to where I am. Review on monday, after school.

I knew, I wasn't feeling rite, and guessed I was right this time. I brokedown...............

It's not the physical fatigue that drains. It's the emotional fatigue that kills. & probably Ms Low was right, I need to take care of my health, more than anything..........

She knew, I tried to appear strong on the outside, but I finally gave myself away.............

I wanted no one else to know about anything, but the news spread, by now at least 4-6 adults ( including the one at home) should have known wad happened. I hope that don't come ask me anymore. When the P saw me on friday, I knew that,she sort of the stared at me, to see if I am fine.

I am starting to not trust you. I know it's wrong but I am getting a negative pulse from you. If it continues this way,the competition would eventually errode this whole friendship. I ought to be prepared for this day.

I need to confide for if not, I am starting to show signs of burning out.

What a hectic, and horrible week.....

It started with a C in chem, which I now realise, if it wasn't because of my foolish carelessness, I would have easily gotten a B, instead of that C. Wasted this paper....

Math was disasterous. For the first time in my life, an Elephant apeared, obstructing my way forward. I was totally devasted to the maximum. I studied yet I got a E. I can't help but to amplify this point. The 1 hour of going through the paper was tortoureous. I simply can't concentrate, I was looking out of the windows, trying to remain calm. But guess I can't take it. I shouted at Ee Hong. lol . It was definatley heart rentching, for I almost teared infront of Mdm Song, when she asked what happened. I tried to be strong. But guessed I wasn't that strong, I broke into tears that afternoon & the day after( 2 x) for it wasn't easy to accept the fact that I studied yet I somehow failed.

GP was a close shave. But I was glad that I made the right choice. Was bit shocked, but I was glad that I passed. And the essay I was simply happy that I got 29, though a mistake in the labelling of question cost me 1 mark. lol. But probably, Dr Queck was right, the process of waiting for results made me too stress and worried. That I hyperventilated for 15 mins.... A terrible ordeal, my vision went blurred, my hands froze, pearls of sweat slid down my back, for once I thought I was fainting.........

It wasn't the process that drains. It is the failures that demoralises.