k, I went hospital for my first visit today.....................

hmmmm....... He did a totally check on my situation.... my relationship etc... hayos. The doctor is from India haha ( he got a very very freaking thick accent leh !!!( Make me so xin ku to listen to him.) lol. His name very cute also - surej babykutty john.

Is bit ex la, I went in like for 30 mins, & they charged me $30....... Got medication for emergency, er not advised to be taken under normal conditions, cause it makes me dumb or rather my brain will function slower. So that I dun think too much & it will then lighten my hyperventilation.

Got 2 conclusions from this visit. Study might not be my cup of tea, I forced things on myself, hence, when things r going downwards, my learning process worsens & the vicious cycle continue. Next, as usual, I was adviced to go out with friends more often, I am like huh, now so busy how? nvm, breathing therapy lessons in 3 weeks time at NUH...... hmmmmm k bah.

2nd conclusion is - NUH only got forgein doctor & that place is big haha.

K, bah anxiety disorder - is common ( I doubt, though I know that our school also have ppl sufering from this, but my disorder is more serious bah) thats about it.

I am wasting time liao hahah

Kays, went NS checkup at depot road today, freaking far & long..... The medical checkup is like 2.5 hrs, the vocational assesment took me 3 hrs...... (not very fun, I was like, can it be done asap.) Basically is all physics & math & I think I failed the math dam badly, caused before I even finish half of the math session, time out.....

Brought my referral letters along with me, saved me the trouble of talking what happen. & I am now PES D for 3 freaking months....... & I will need to go for review like during prelims....... haizzzz

Say Kendric today also, he went for review. & By 3mths later my memo would have reached CMPB also le...... Hope I can get the PES I want. X=

& I wanna complain, how can they freaking draw blood from me like that de, poke the neddle in & dun draw, wait wait wait talk talk talk then start drawing slowly ZZZZZZZ Dam pain la!!!! Then worst still, After he pull out the neddle, he didnt even press my wound zzzzz....

NVM, at least they didnt manage to take a 2nd sample for my potassium, I was like thank goodness..... lols

I got my NUH appointment letter today also le...... so werid still got doctor name on it. I remeber my mum's letter dun hab de. X=

Youtube :)

k, its like a week + since my last post le.

我终于忍不住了。。。。。。。。

I went to see mrs low again like on wednesday, though I still dunno how to tell her wad happen XD She was patient enough. & she say that if there's one thing good, I am willing to seek help :) But the trip also reconfirmed one thing, if I dun make the turn, IMH there I go. :( I dun wan >.<

So eventually, that nite, I smsed her what happened, that whole chunk of story, she was surprised also. lol, yet she's quite calm, replying that there's no harm seeing a specialist.

Though she wasnt very positive, cause yah. She say that if I felt stress before any paper, I can just sms her & visit her an hour before the paper & she would free up the room, lol. & dun mingle with any gang & continue fliping notes.....

& today, went to see tcm, cause tution was cancelled ( thank goodness). Got green green colour pills thats suppose to help me sleep 0.0 hahah.

My mood is lighter le, but things doesnt change overnite. "What is happiness" question which Sirage posted for us, guess I knew why I was so confident with that question back then le. For, that was the start of problem.

快乐才是成功

你和我的距离似乎越飘越远了，可能是时候让风筝的线断了吧。

friends are very important in life
they make up a huge portion of your life

for some, they are like guests
coming and leaving after a brief visit

for some, they are like vermin
coming and sucking everything from you

for some, they are like wine
good and getting better the longer you know them

i hope one day, when i need a friend,
all of you will be there for me

Liked this :) posted by hazel

诚信

相信别人,相信自己, 如果我能选择,我不会和任何人说这三个月来的苦.
但我真的憋不住了.

Its a kind of human mentality, we dont want people close to us to know what happen, fearing that, by revealing pieces of past, the image of us would change. For intsance, that sight of him entering that room, also took me by a shock, afterall he look bit hmmm ( always come & kao pek me only). Huamns, have our own secrets, which we don't want to reveal to others. Just like, I would rather pay to tell strangers how I felt, nowadays, than to tell people around how I felt.

我好,你也好.就当一切没发生过.

I learnt something (lol), the worst thing to tell people is " its ok de, dun worry" cause, the inate nature of humans tells us that, such words are just lies, we humans created to calm ourselves down & they do nothing but to conseal the utter truth from us for awhile & sooner or later we'll still, sadly, have to face the cruel facts.... If people want to cry, let them cry, but after awhile, we ought to stop them, if not ........ but teras needs to flow, it is a way, that stress could be "thrown away" .

人活在当下

No matter how long, tedious the path is, if we persist on, there would be an end.

Can I dont study???? I really hate that stupid feel of I dont have time, I keep telling myself time & again, you have time. But when I revised, I really is speechlesss.... there's tonnes of things to do. I don't wannna do Miss Aw's papers, X= Not a single one, or at least not 3 schools ( top somemore). It's bit stressful, when I dont have time to get my basics right. But I fear, I fear that, I would fail if I dont do them. Idoit feelings rite? 7 it would be worst, if Ms Aw asked me, did u do the papers & I failed. I would haizzz, nvm bah.... we see how.

Just read julian's post, it sets me thinking, does counsellor work? lols, it doesnt seem very much for my stuborn character bah X= lols. haha

ok, my nite is offically spoiled by this idotic 小姑 of mine, I dont care I am just gonna be extremely rude to her here. 为老不尊，为老不贤 thats how I am gonna describe her. What is wrong with my mum not working, is it of concern to you? Not working means my mum very free at home & be tai tai is it? What is wrong with helping her kids iron clothes? If thats what you wanna say to my mum, go & Kao Pek your own daughter in law instead. Why when your daughter in law ask your son to move to pongoul, when u live in jurong west, u r like , orhs nevermind lor, when u like so angry, but u still 忍？& very funny u very free hor, dun have family or husband to take care one is it? maybe because u too evil, thats y yr husband never appear with u bah! Really feel like saying u r 报应. What is wrong with my mum, y must u always say such mean & attrocious things to her, when u r the evil wicked one?

If you wan to be so 造孽， 没口德， please dont come to my house & if you wan take back 二姑's will also, I hate to be the one inheriting & having to be the middleman distributing them for such people. Calling me , straight after O levels & say " ayo can go ITE anot" , go & die..... zzzzzzz U deserved everything that I have scolded u , for wad u did to me & my mum.

-------- K enough, I wasted enough blog space for such attrocious women------

Mr Lim's wedding today, was fun hahah. After that went Vivo with like 0.75 of the class. Brought lots of Marks & Spencer that I am craving for. yump yump

Then I went home, cause I have something on at Jurong & yup :) It was an enjoyable day. :)

GP paper today. I was quite calm & peaceful with myself in the morning. But, still I was right, I flung the essay. It was a flop. I actually predicted water would come out last nite & I sort of the fliped through Broader Perspectives & even the newsapapers reported on water scracity &. Haizzz nvm, if only I trusted my instincts. For 1 hour I was struggling with my points & when my inspiration ( or rather what I memorized) came, it was already 9am ( sharp) half the battle was gone. I felt like giving up & eventually I did, an essay with 2 points utterly wrong and no conclusion, guess I will end up in morning lectuers now. >.< hate it......

Paper 2, summary was....... extraordinarily diffcult. haizzz nvm. If I could pass it would really be上天有好生之德。

But somehow or rathe I manage to cast this GP saga aside & did some shopping in the afternoon. haha....

Went to temple & did the usual stuffs I would do, flower offerings, light offerings, prayers, blessings bestowed. Then the more fun part comes, went over to OG chinatown(thanks to miao ling who told me that OG is having sale lol), brought 2 plain shirts then due to the lack of selection of shoes there, ( cause I think I already eyed on everlast instaed of converse le hahah) I decided to venture back to OG orchard, lols & after 3 rounds of walking up & down the whole building I fixed my eyes on everlast & made my purchase hahahah. & the 20% discount + 1 free cosmo pearl ( some whorthless freashwater cultivated pearls from china, which though I know is worthless but since its free I will still take haha) makes the trip worthwhile. But the traffic jam made me terribly hungy ( cause I dunno y vegetarian food always make me hungry de)...... & thats about it.

I am sort of looking forward to Mr lim's wedding cause is first time I 'll try vegetarian wedding. Though I have attended countless weddings & I know the rites like dunno wad, its still first time trying afternoon wedding & vegetarian de. lols.

Sentosa mid autum wedding dinners with complemenatry strawberry snowskin mooncakes makes me drool& M hotel the top floor one are also superb. hahah

thats about it.

愿佛光普照， 世界太平.
南无本师释迦牟尼佛

我的命运，
我的人生，
我的道路，
我的直觉，
我的选择，
都在手里。

逃过了他人的那一关，
但却
过不了自身的这一局。
最终
我还是预料到了结局。

Probably, or maybe yes, I think it wasnt just a blackout, I momentarily fainted yesterday in school. Thanks for ee hong's help, if not i dunno how bad my shape would be now. He was there to hold on to me lols. & Chih Kiat & Ellisa, though they didnt manage to get to me in time to stop everything from happening, but really appreciated their presence & thanks for the taix. & those smses & concern, thanks, for once I felt that I am being loved & cared. :)

It was like drama, I started crying again ............ & this time, my legs were numb, my hands were numb, everything wasnt in my control. Eventually after 3 steps I collaspe lying on the floor & the attention was on me.

Saw the Dr Queck 2x that day. For that numbness lasted for very very long & that breathlessness. Went to NUH eventually & expectedly I was diagnosed with - anxiety & stress. & unexpectedly knowing ( after 2 blood test) that my potassium level was rather unusally low. Which accounted for chest pains , breatheless etc..... & bananas was the horrible cure for low potassium levels. & I was prescribed with potsium chloride tablets, which releases that extreme saltishness upon dissovling in my mouth. lol & blood test again on monday, meaning needles again >.< & I am referal, to pyschaitrist by A&E, quite weird but yah.

There's things more than math, most likely, that I am trying very hard to erase from my mind, but it is like those sturborn iodine stains on my school pants, that could not be removed by myself, as of now.

I can still feel some numbness, that tingy sense of pain my heart, aftermath that incident. But the way I view things hasnt change much. It's bad but......

Many said that its too early for such symptoms, I agree, I have reached the brink of the cliff. I might just fall off any moment. It is whether I want to hold on now.

My life, My fate, My destiny.
It's in My hands

Shouldnt be here, but my com is on.

There's simply too much work to do, that I am like totally overwhelmed to the extend I dunno wad to do. Prioritise, thats what I was told, but everything seems so urgent. I am begining to feel abit like, freak out again. I keep telling myself to slow down, slow down, but it is really terrible when things gush in like tusnami. I need to prepare & anticipate it. It's like haiz.

Just give up on some things, I wanted to really. But my heart doesnt. It irks to the max, when I cant finish things. & like what Mrs lee say, it really feels sucky when u study day & nite, yet when ppl study 1 hour , they get there & u dun. She's refering to me bah ( most likely). But she's quite kind to leave me alone le. lol .

Earth day celebrations today, should have saved myself a glass container for making of terranium(wrong spelling). I keep helping people make, but I didnt make for myself lols. But I manage to salvage some nice ornamental plants for myself. Hope, Mrs Chan hasnt been so insensitive & tell the world what happened to me.

bath & brush & hwwwwwww

1day normal, 1 day abnormal, thats me nowadays. Next week schedule is bit hectic, but 2 more weeks , holiday liao, pia a bit, I'll be in malaysia on 1st wk, wed for secret recipe, Kueh lapis, & more food hahah.....

I tried very hard le. It's not as though I didnt. So just let it be. Maybe I should be like Mr wong, stay in library to mug for every recess, but I don't want, I find it tad bit too kia - su le. haha

我的素命,上苍的安排.

K, I am like, offically resting this weekend like that, did nothing today. Went Bukit timah to register for math revision, cause I simly felt insecure with those tutorials & stuffs. Blame it on stupid CT, I tell everyone thst I got over it, but frankly speaking, I doubt I did, until I see another apple, I doubt I would. This is another side of me, that insastible, insecure side of Yew Cheng. So I am doing what I could, like ronald, buying back that sense of security with money. Haha, ronald if u r reading this , dun scold me haha.

Went walk walk around Bukit Timah shopping center, was bit utterly shocked with that much change it underwent. Afterall it was filled with my childhood memories, waddling around like a little chick, passing the various shops belonging to my relatives & yah. Then discovering that, there's the little tution center hidden in this secretive location which I never know where it was till today.

Proceeded to BT market, to have my favourite hokkien mee, brought the super nice carrot cake & Zui Kueh home & ta pao hokkien mee for my brother. Got stuck in the traffic for 0.5 hrs, that's how I wasted today. But on the other side, probably it was a break I deserved. I need to rest before I move on, if not yup.

When you are surrounded with people aiming high, you would naturally want to follow the herd & aim high. Hence when u hit low, it could be demoralising. Publishing such posts doesnt help, but at least there's a place to keep what I felt away from my brain. For I really dunno who to tell all these to. Cause, the mrs low is also overseas & away....... But probably like what Cindy said, I confused of who to confide in. That's y, there's only 2 readers to this blog also. I locked it up so that ---- ---- dun see it.

放下,如果真的能解决问题,我愿意. 但雪球会不会,越滚越大? 那就不得而知了.

我真的会到吗？Humans needs are insastible, thats what econs taught us,( & its what I learnt this week) but do we really reflect upon it? Probably I don't. I tried to lead that life, that is not a competition, but a challenge. But being surrounded by such circumstances, I really don't know how to alleviate myself to higher grounds, to make myself feel that tad bit more comfortable, tad bit more relaxed.

Can I blame it on my past, which shaped my present? It's kind of a running away from facts, but I could, I would have hid myself up in a hole, away from everything.

Just look up at the stars & count our blessings........................................

Finally, hands off Eco club stuffs. My work is done. The final assignment. I am just so glad today. Though the process of compling, & pinning up wasn't that fantastic, but at least it's done.

Frankly speaking, I am thinking too much again. It's like only 1 week. Haizzzzzzz, if I could switch that part of my brain off, I really would. It's making me bit, sian during tutorials again. Need to stop that, before I revert back to that stupid mode again. But some incidents, some things really really sets me off on this mode, which I hate.

Guess this is my life, but this emotion part, I should try to control it, for if not, I really can't move on.

Probably, I should slow down abit le. Cause, I am feeling bit, shitty again, cause I think maybe yah, I mugged bit too much, though not much productive was done. I know I am forcing myself doing some stuffs which I dun really feel like. But what Hui Jie said was right. 6 more months, it'll be over, just get through it.

But, at least I should not work myself to that 2nd breakdown, for if not, I really dont know how to stand up ever again. Crying for 3 consecutive nites, is a shittiest thing ever.

Here I am thinking about my life again. If only, we could have a second chance to resart the chapter, I'll rewrite it, in another manner. At least, my life wouldnt have been so screwed up, with only books, notes & nothing else.

I go to school feeling much better nowadays, but sometimes, that stupid classroom atmosphere just doesnt make me feel good. My mind wondered off somewhere else afar. I know it seems odd for me to be floating about school alone, going to cafe alone, but, frankly speaking my face & actions contradicts.

I walk past those shops in orchard, almost every friday, yet, I seldom have the chance to venture into one of them, probably only M & S, for the cookies.

U walked off that nite. It was normal of you doing that. But before that, you said alot of things, I don't know if u intend to have any hidden meaning behind it. But I took it with agenda. That's y I burst & congrats everything is over now. I won't interfere with your life. Neither should you touch mine. It is a common battle yet, there's different end. You envied what I got, I tolerated, at the expanse of my mood. Yet nothing works, so just leave me alone, if i see you up there, congrats. But for now, really just leave me alone.

-------------------------------------------------

Guess I am finally leting things go. For I am feeling much better le. So what if I got a C for math, just pass for bio? & probably played some dirty tricks for chem? ( hahah) It's time to move on. For just like had mrs low said, life is more than just A s & B s .

4 weeks 8 sessions of counselling, I am finally well and working again, though somethings doesnt change overnite, but at least I am fine now. & more importantly my case is closed for now. Review after Mid yrs. lols Thanks alot Mrs Low, for if not, I wondered what I would have been like.

The hardest thing to do is to learn how to climb down after peaking and rescaling new heights.

After nite's sleep I am feeling much better le. :) Life still goes on......

Moving on, is easy to say, diffcult to act. Move on, everything would be fine, thats provided I let go of that past. U WILL GET THERE :)

If there's one thing yew cheng should be doing now, you should not be thinking so much, you should be controling your emotions now! Instead of muggig or everything else, control your feelings, manage it well, and yah :)

Yesterday happened, and no one could change a thing, yes you are apologetic, but what is doen is done, it couldnt be slavaged but just move on bah.

Things might not turn out according to plan, I tried within my limits. But, yup.