It's like finally, almost over, left with 40 MCQ (multiple choice question) & it will be over.

Should have done CSE at a faster pace, but, whole well its over, who cares, though I felt that my A is gone & B doesnt seems to remain X=

I wanted to say this for very long le...................

Finally, chemistry is over! Its nitemare..............

Paper 3 almost killed me, it almost caused me to retake next year. But I made it :) Was so glad that it was over.

Left with CSE & Bio paper 1. Long waiting time, sian....

Chemistry today was hmmm, I wanted to use the phrase atroucious paper to describe it, but on second thoughts maybe its bit too harsh. But paper 2 isnt very much easier than paper 3, probably is bit easier or probably I was calm enough............

Question one was meant to be a killer, 22 marks, unbelievable.... left with few papers, my chem is almost dead, dun even know how o salvage it from the dire situation now haizzzzz........

Its been a week of exams & I made it safely till now. Everything seems rather fine & probably peaceful till now. Other than idiotic & abnormal chemistry paper which I would very much like to highlight.

Was really devastated initally after the first disaster (chemistry), afterall 38 marks was literally blank, I really really have not much hope for even a B in chemistry now, unless mircals & I mean it MIRACLES- 奇迹 happens. I know harping on to that idiotic chem paper won't make me feel any better. But whenever it strikes me I get nervous & haizzz, afterall it seems as though it is the thing that will break me from my dreams............ Its really really a disaster............... B in prelims & wad's up for A levels???

GP was surprisingly enjoyable, though many said that my points were correct, but I wondered if I did well enough afterall, more than half of S01 did the question of international efforts on global hunger. & my AQ & summary did I focus and zoom into those points correctly?? But, at least I manage to try everything.

Math was hmmm, paper 1 was bit shocking, slightly above average to me. I would say that it would be paper 1 that differentiates an A student from a B student. Paper 2, pls pls pls, I pray & hope that I am not so careless or else I can prepare to go foregin universities le............

Bio, hmmmm I replied Mr Wong's "How how? " sms with " a doable paper, that is way doable than his paper hahah". But paper 3 might be real tough & paper 1 might just push me out of the fight for entry into local uni.

Thats about it, slacked for one day le....................

Just hope that I would end the next few papers with a celebratory mood & fly off 2 days after Bio MCQ to Vietnam.... hahaha

k, its been along long time since I wrote here...................

I am like getting better yes :) Finally, anti depressants are working. But I am getting bit sleepless, my sleep is not sleep, I have sleeps full of dreams, that I almost got sleeping pills...... But I was told to consume the Almaprozam that I was given to make me sleep...........

Haven been studying much recently. X.X Seen people mugging day and nite for the As..... Join the league, on the stage, thats what many around me wanted to. Aspirations, thats what make us humans.....

Insastible needs & wants, I just started bio revision................. wan le......... GP undone at all......... haizzz....... should be mugging le. 8 more days the race will start & it will end in about 40 days.....

My journey is coming to an end, this chapter is closing & I am definately going to cut some people away from my contact list.

I know u too much that I simply hated the sight of you now......... Get lost :)

物竟天择,
势者生存,
败者生存.

闭月羞花，沉鱼落雁

This was what 09s02 wrote for Mrs Lee. Meaningful indeed. Its fast, just a blink of eye & here I am left with 20 days & everything will come to an end. I am blessed enough to be in 02, not 01 ( I would say yuck, if i were there today haha), or in 04 ( I would eeeeeee, cause I don't really clique with the ppl there lol).

Ee hong, Hui jie, Julian, Jasper, ( I doubt you guys will see this but still), heart felt gradtitue, thanks for being there & always being cheerful & bright :) You guys make up my day, especially in my slight improved condition.

光阴似箭， 珍惜当下，展望未来

Was rather pleased last nite, caused I recieved MINDEF letter le. Its full of excuses(haha), finally something off my mind........... At least I can focus on recovery for the next 2 yrs.

I should be mugging now, I know. It's a pretty bad thing this friendships have to end this way, but I no longer cares. People keep saying that, its not the grades that judges you, but thats wad I was feeling. Everyone is mugging le. By now, I have made it clear to all teachers that I had GAD, cause I know I need help with it, if not I also dunno wad to do during exams, I really can't finish most of the paper & the last 15 mintues of every paper makes me feel like shit.....

Still wondetring if I would be in school next friday, I doubt I will. If I had a chance to re live this two years, I swear, I wouldnt have went swimming on that faithful day & I could then rewrite my 2 years, probably I would have felt better.

60 days, & off I go, I would be in Vietnam :) finally a dream come true. But now, my A levels, are more important, to prove it to myself & prove it to others, that I have made it. & to make these tormanting sufferings worthwhile.

I just hope that, I wont be crying like wad I did when I got back my O levels, it was a nightmare that I hope I never experience again. For if not, I doubt I would have the courage to face anything else.................

Actually, only intended to check the portal & shut down the laptop de. But well, facebook & blogger seems too attractive.........

Mum & Dad's back from KL, unfortunately with no clothes at all ( I call it pathetic shopping hahah), instead they were back with a huge box of chocolates ( I meant those brown cardborad boxes not those small small boxes inside) 370 ringgit worth of coca...... hahah its enough to suffice me till end of year le. Apparently, I think is because I told them dark chocolates ( those extremely bitter oness) are good for anxiety, cause there's this dunno wad natural depressants inside, so i think thats wad made them brought 5 boxes of it...... lol & lots of rasins coated with coco.... & 3 boxes of Bei teh soh , 2 boxes of tau sar piah.... thats all. They might just go cameron highlans again this year end, for another event, but I doubt they will. lol

thats bout it, must really start my engine le ..................

Found this quote somewhere, "Humans are like plants. When we are cut, the threat is felt, one will propagate for survival & existence". find it extremely meaningful & afterall this is wad I have been sensing from some people.

k, I have been slacking for the past few days doing I also dunno wad. other than friday.

After bio paper 1, I rushed off to see psych at NUH. Heng, I reach there on time, cause the doctor dunno I was coming(due to the delay by the nurses in sending my file into him) & went off for meeting ( I saw him walking away with my eyes while I was waiting). When the nurses finally realise he was offed, they rushed to confim if I was late & called him back haha.....

NVM that, cause he gt a meeting to attend to & he was already late also lol. He wrote my memo for MINDEF & it is like so so freaking short lol.( really 2 short sentences only!!!) saying I was under his care for my condition & wad medication I was on. hahah, he say if it is not enough I'll have to pay $80 bucks for a medical report which will take him a month to prepare. lols

anyway, medication dosage increased to 1, 10 mg pill / day le :( & according to the psych, my tiredness & wanting to sleep is due to exams haizzzzz, why cant I just be normal ???

After that met mum at JE MRT & went Singapore mint to get my silver pendant :) mum ended up getting another orchid coin, just as I have expected, she seems to have an interest in metals with flora designs..... anyway the pendant was wow :) It's my first PAMP bar ( smth like a gold bar, but is only 1/25 OZ= 6.662g) Lovely, cause they seldom make such small cute little silver bars in swiss :) & more importantly it is sealed in those formal percious metals plastic with assy office seal & certificate number. making me 不舍得open it........ hahah

k, thats about it, mum & dad would be back from KL tonite, they have been away since friday nite to tend to an event cum tour at KL. lol hope she gets me my secret recipe brownies lol

need to really start muging like mad le. cause I have slcked too much.

1 month of studies & delayed gratification
100 times of fullfilled wants & no regrets

haizzz..... I wasted math, totally.... there's so much if only that I wan to say, if only I this & that. The conclusion is both papers are not diffcult, just that my mind was bit too anxious & haizzzz. nvm, full of regrets for paper 2. 30 marks is gone ( completely)......

Fight till the end

k, 1 week of exams & I am like totally drained. Feeling quite tensed, my back all acheing & bit breathless now. Thanks to CSE & Math clashing on the same day, I wonder how am I going to survive GP's marriage with BIO...... , BIO & CHEM 通婚...... X= I think, I will ask for letter to do exams in private just in case, cause I can feel that, my brain& shoulders was v v v tensened today. & I can't even sleep last nite, ( though physically I was, my eyes was closed, but my brain wasn't, I am v sure)

Math, like bio & chem was a disaster, I think I flung bio, completely. I dont know why I so "Kei kiang" to choose question 9. & 2.5 full questions emptied. haha I am dead..... Math, I felt abit wasted, like chemistry, I didnt push myself hard enough. Not that I can't do la, just I was too calm....... I tell myself just try this time, so I really didnt piah....... But, after prelims, I must wake up. There's a dream, I don't wan a pipe dream. X=

But, good thing is, I'll be getting my silver pendant next friday le :) I have longed for it like aeons of decades le :)

一路上
有苦有乐,
雨后彩虹,
海阔天空.

k, I am here to waste time again. But I am feeling ok lah :)

I just woke up form my 4 hour nap, caused I simply didnt sleep last nite ( not that I didnt sleep, its just I dont feel that I was sleeping, cause I slept with tonnes of dreams, making me felt so yuckish) But its normal for me to be like that, at least my brain was working absolutely fine today. :)

GP papaer today, I don't really think I can get a B or C, I onlt hope that Gandi don't always come and irritate me lol & give me my D I am happy le :) There's lots of if only I want to say, if only I got more time for my AQ. If only, I saw my MEDIA question early enough and didnt freaking wasted 10 mintues on that idiotic Singapore Based question that I obviously know wasnt my cup of tea...... lol, but I was glad that at least I saw media & not did Singapore, cause singapore question yucks ttm.

But today's paper proved something, even for GP, practise makes perfect.


最无奈，总是怕慢人家一拍

由来了...................
Haizzzz..... laxapro makes me feel not bad lah. But, I suddenly felt so scared last nite & now X= So I am here....... wasting time :(

Just a last post before I logged off. ( a more emo one)

People change, Yes they do, as though they are changing clothes. Read Ammanda's blog, it makes me remincise about those days. It just further reinforce the point that, goals changes us. We tailor our lifes to reach and probaly get what we want.

Friends are important, this is what Siraj told me. I know, but at this point of life, when everyone is down with their interests at heart (afterall human's are innately selfish), finding a true friend, haha, makes me want to laugh. Imagine people who didnt bother about u, calling all of a sudden for advice? People whom you trusted all these while, suddenly shuts their dooor in the name of MUGGING.

I trust no one at this point, other than myself. Every teacher, the first thing upon hearing "I have anxiety disorder" coming out of my mouth said this to me : " oh, its ok , I have seen people worst than you, but they will make it in the end". That faith that tried to instill just makes me bit too annoyed & felt that it dont sound real.

Fact versus reality. I look, studious, hardworking, even someone said, other than cailin, I am the most hardworking in class. But does that matter? Like Mdm Song say: " Your effort is only reflected on that piece of paper".

I agreed, and I am not really starting my engine yet, cause I really am afraid that my limited engine capcity will run out before the race starts. So I decided to gamble this prelim, with doing papers more than studying chapters. It's a dangerous thing to do, consider my weak foundations. I will have to cushion myself for the shock of D&Es but, I want my effort to be reflected only in that cert, and nothing else.

There's people mugging from 11 am midnite till 9 am in the morning, finishing 5 biology chapters, can u imagine? It's that tad bit scary, and that's how life is in JC. MUG or DIE. But thelma, actually says, studies is not everything.

When the whole picture comes together, you just get more troubled, so I'll just trust myself. Do bio for this week & the coming week & I'll consider myself done, for prelims. It's a gamble, I hope I dont fly too high & get contemplated , neither do I hope to flung ( cause , I might not be able to get myself back into the picture.)

万物语意之所生

k, its not another week, but I felt as though, another week just flew past. But its start of "revision holiday" le. Teachers Day today, the concert bit boring, but its ok.

Feeling much better these few days. At least, I am laughing, joking abit & probably normal in many eyes again. Yeah :) Though, yah.

Recieved CMPB's letter for " Further Reporting Order" , not for commando selection though, lol. But odd enough, they wanted my parents to go with me & wanted to see my report book. Kinda weird. Date actually clash with my CSE & Math paper 1, prelim, should hab guessed that long ago. zzzz Wonder if they will change it.

That's bout it for now.

It's like 1 week since I took Laxapro, & I must admit, it works like a exlir, I am turning normal again. :) Though, not totally, but I am finally smiling. But, somehow, u can feel that, the joy is fake, cause, there's still times I felt like hyperventialting & my shoulders are as tensed as ever still. But, I am normalising at last. & u know, when you feel sian or sad, that there's this medical thingy pushing things down(I can feel it). But I dun wan to take prozac. X= & I am not studying enough la, I am well aware of it.

Like what I told jessie, the worst thing is probably not the sarcifices, but not getting what you want & letting down those that really cared. I have walked so far, I'll make it to the end.

Mrs Lee told me my plan D but, I dun wan it. I rather have my plan A or the plan A+, she proposed = get a scholarship, fly out & 证明给全世界看。 ( think I am daydreaming but 人因梦想而伟大, CaiLin You must ok hahah)

远离颠倒梦想
笨鸟要先飞

Hmmm, I dont really know what to say now. If only, if only I dont have anxiety disorder now. (yah, stop procrastinating a fact that couldnt be undone)

I went NTUC to buy chips & biscuits justnow, I saw a cashier, he was my friend. But thats not the point, the point is, the first thing that striked me was, he's definately capable enough, but he chose to move in another path. When people see me, they always see one side of me, the studious, probably hardworking side. But my inner self, who sees it?

Time & again, I told myself that, I need to walk till the end or else I would have wasted 2 years. But, it isnt easy, afterall, today another one in our class cried. Those that didnt breakdown in school, might hab broken at home.

Mdm Song actually blocked off a consultation slot for me. lol. Guess wad, she was absent on wed, because, she was too stress, she almost fainted when standing. We talked for quite sometime, she know that wad she said to me would fall on deaf ears & almost wad she said, I also know.

But, as much as I could be an ordinary kid, I can't cause, its 80 days left, I wan to make it, ALIVE. I am ready to sarcififce anything, but I must bear in mind that, my deterioriating mental health, needs some immediate attention. All the teachers are basically, worried that I burnt out before the A's. I can sense that. Till, mdm song actually want me to stop le. haha.

like wad ronald says: " must peak at the right time and not burnt out"

愿得智慧真明了

老天自有安排

I am suppose to abstain from all mortal indulgence. Chih Kiat wan to be pharmacist(knew that long ago), ellisa wanna be social worker, I want to be accountant !!!! lol, Felt very inspired today, but very tired also.

Probably, eventaully I might give up on accountant , but be an environmental engineer or someone researching in plants, cause somehow thats my cup of tea, but I wan to prove that I can make it for accountant. I wont give up till the last minute, I promise, cause I walked quite far le & I have made it so far, I shouldnt give up, but my mood really gets into me. I just hope that I can get there. I visioned my dad driving me to NTU accountancy course, cause he work there, hahah. Its a dream, but I wan to fullfill it.

I'll take my anti depressants from tmr nite, I will take my supplements twice the dosage I am taking now( though it really makes my stomch very eeee) & I'll take stablizers in 3 weeks time. X= Hope it works, I really really wan to end with the end in mind....

This should shed some light into why I got this "nice condition". But I am really lost with my revision. X=