Just a last post before I logged off. ( a more emo one)

People change, Yes they do, as though they are changing clothes. Read Ammanda's blog, it makes me remincise about those days. It just further reinforce the point that, goals changes us. We tailor our lifes to reach and probaly get what we want.

Friends are important, this is what Siraj told me. I know, but at this point of life, when everyone is down with their interests at heart (afterall human's are innately selfish), finding a true friend, haha, makes me want to laugh. Imagine people who didnt bother about u, calling all of a sudden for advice? People whom you trusted all these while, suddenly shuts their dooor in the name of MUGGING.

I trust no one at this point, other than myself. Every teacher, the first thing upon hearing "I have anxiety disorder" coming out of my mouth said this to me : " oh, its ok , I have seen people worst than you, but they will make it in the end". That faith that tried to instill just makes me bit too annoyed & felt that it dont sound real.

Fact versus reality. I look, studious, hardworking, even someone said, other than cailin, I am the most hardworking in class. But does that matter? Like Mdm Song say: " Your effort is only reflected on that piece of paper".

I agreed, and I am not really starting my engine yet, cause I really am afraid that my limited engine capcity will run out before the race starts. So I decided to gamble this prelim, with doing papers more than studying chapters. It's a dangerous thing to do, consider my weak foundations. I will have to cushion myself for the shock of D&Es but, I want my effort to be reflected only in that cert, and nothing else.

There's people mugging from 11 am midnite till 9 am in the morning, finishing 5 biology chapters, can u imagine? It's that tad bit scary, and that's how life is in JC. MUG or DIE. But thelma, actually says, studies is not everything.

When the whole picture comes together, you just get more troubled, so I'll just trust myself. Do bio for this week & the coming week & I'll consider myself done, for prelims. It's a gamble, I hope I dont fly too high & get contemplated , neither do I hope to flung ( cause , I might not be able to get myself back into the picture.)

万物语意之所生

k, its not another week, but I felt as though, another week just flew past. But its start of "revision holiday" le. Teachers Day today, the concert bit boring, but its ok.

Feeling much better these few days. At least, I am laughing, joking abit & probably normal in many eyes again. Yeah :) Though, yah.

Recieved CMPB's letter for " Further Reporting Order" , not for commando selection though, lol. But odd enough, they wanted my parents to go with me & wanted to see my report book. Kinda weird. Date actually clash with my CSE & Math paper 1, prelim, should hab guessed that long ago. zzzz Wonder if they will change it.

That's bout it for now.

It's like 1 week since I took Laxapro, & I must admit, it works like a exlir, I am turning normal again. :) Though, not totally, but I am finally smiling. But, somehow, u can feel that, the joy is fake, cause, there's still times I felt like hyperventialting & my shoulders are as tensed as ever still. But, I am normalising at last. & u know, when you feel sian or sad, that there's this medical thingy pushing things down(I can feel it). But I dun wan to take prozac. X= & I am not studying enough la, I am well aware of it.

Like what I told jessie, the worst thing is probably not the sarcifices, but not getting what you want & letting down those that really cared. I have walked so far, I'll make it to the end.

Mrs Lee told me my plan D but, I dun wan it. I rather have my plan A or the plan A+, she proposed = get a scholarship, fly out & 证明给全世界看。 ( think I am daydreaming but 人因梦想而伟大, CaiLin You must ok hahah)

远离颠倒梦想
笨鸟要先飞

Hmmm, I dont really know what to say now. If only, if only I dont have anxiety disorder now. (yah, stop procrastinating a fact that couldnt be undone)

I went NTUC to buy chips & biscuits justnow, I saw a cashier, he was my friend. But thats not the point, the point is, the first thing that striked me was, he's definately capable enough, but he chose to move in another path. When people see me, they always see one side of me, the studious, probably hardworking side. But my inner self, who sees it?

Time & again, I told myself that, I need to walk till the end or else I would have wasted 2 years. But, it isnt easy, afterall, today another one in our class cried. Those that didnt breakdown in school, might hab broken at home.

Mdm Song actually blocked off a consultation slot for me. lol. Guess wad, she was absent on wed, because, she was too stress, she almost fainted when standing. We talked for quite sometime, she know that wad she said to me would fall on deaf ears & almost wad she said, I also know.

But, as much as I could be an ordinary kid, I can't cause, its 80 days left, I wan to make it, ALIVE. I am ready to sarcififce anything, but I must bear in mind that, my deterioriating mental health, needs some immediate attention. All the teachers are basically, worried that I burnt out before the A's. I can sense that. Till, mdm song actually want me to stop le. haha.

like wad ronald says: " must peak at the right time and not burnt out"

愿得智慧真明了

老天自有安排

I am suppose to abstain from all mortal indulgence. Chih Kiat wan to be pharmacist(knew that long ago), ellisa wanna be social worker, I want to be accountant !!!! lol, Felt very inspired today, but very tired also.

Probably, eventaully I might give up on accountant , but be an environmental engineer or someone researching in plants, cause somehow thats my cup of tea, but I wan to prove that I can make it for accountant. I wont give up till the last minute, I promise, cause I walked quite far le & I have made it so far, I shouldnt give up, but my mood really gets into me. I just hope that I can get there. I visioned my dad driving me to NTU accountancy course, cause he work there, hahah. Its a dream, but I wan to fullfill it.

I'll take my anti depressants from tmr nite, I will take my supplements twice the dosage I am taking now( though it really makes my stomch very eeee) & I'll take stablizers in 3 weeks time. X= Hope it works, I really really wan to end with the end in mind....

This should shed some light into why I got this "nice condition". But I am really lost with my revision. X=

Got Singapore Mint's catlogue on tue & as usual, something caught my eye haha. I eyed on this lovely 1/5 OZ PAMP silver pendant, with lotus flower engraving de, it look so so so gorgerous haha. I am so so so gona get it after this 7th lunar month, while my mum might just get all 3 lotus, rose & butterfly orchid de ( cause aparently the pendants came in 3 designs& actually the rose is the most intricate de). Then i'll get a new black cord & make sure I get it stringed, so that I'll have a new piece to my collection haha.

Anyway's, will be back to doctor on tue, & yah, 我认命了。I'll 乖乖take my anti depressants....... so that, I dun feel so sucky during gabriel de class & I dun feel so freaked out during ms aw de lesson & dun feel so drifted away from mdm song de teachings...... cause, during MEP, I felt so so so utterly disgusted that I went out & never went back. & I might get a letter, like shahilla, to do my exams in private le. X= very bad idea, cause it will be reflected on my cert that I took A levels under special condition, but if things doesnt work out, this is wad I should do bah.

haizzzzzzzzz, y 早不来，晚不来，现在来。。。。。 :( Till I dun even know how to study le, have been hoping mdm song will come & ask me how i felt so that I can 顺便ask her how & wad I should do now. But she didnt, & i also dunno how to ask. so didnt ask & wanted to let that innocent gabriel know wad happen de, so that he dun always come & zzzzzzzzzz me, over my undone bio & poor performance, but I also dunno how to 开口 lols

有苦难言。。。。。。

hmmmm...... lalalalala

Ytd, No time for some real shopping & can't find bermudas, cause shops around this area doesnt sell them !!!! So didnt got any new clothing.... But brought some food instead, biscuits, instat noodles in particular, just to realise, my house still got tonnes of instant noodles hahaha. Missed M&S cookies le leh X= hehe will try to get some this coming friday, & some white chocolates & crackers & hahahah I can go on. Cause I am getting more & more easily hungry thanks to supplements :(

National Day today :) must 风调雨顺, 国泰民安 hahah , so obiang but is the best of all le. lol

should be finishing up that whole list of HW now, but hmmm, I just wanna do some updates, had been onlined for these few days & realised that many had not been online.

A levels does have its own powers to make people negelect their computers de ma. Anyway, changed my appointment with NUH till next next tue, brought it forward by 3 weeks, cause I dunno if I can live without medication ma.

Read an article on TODAY's 2nd page , about how nervous breakdown turns into a depression. X= It's like, woah, there's actually comeone who can feel how u actually felt.& agreed that friends are important, but there's this idiot.( I dont care, I am simply using this word on him now, afterall, he doesnt see all this also. ) Appreciated the start, but I really hated the end.

Anyway, from facebook, seems that I have missed quite a huge part of NDP, but I am glad that at least for the past 48 hours I have been feeling relaxed & calm ( cause I am away from school) ( somehow school gives me that emoish feeling & it drains everything out of me )Though, I think I am starting to get abit, diffcult with my sleeps le. X=

If its not that I can't bear with it, I wouldnt have said so much recently also.

k, I am quite of the freaking sianzed now, after "marking " or rather editing the peer tutor scripts. I might as well do myself lol.

For the pass week - I got my new specs, got a new crystal bear ornament that I have always wanted, though its complimentary for SK jewllery & not from swaroviski, but I am still happy that I finally got a pair of crystal bears :) hahah they are so so so cute& lovely the boy wore a black hat & the girl got this pink flower so so so nice :) these are probably those little things I should be happy about. lols

Hmm, 1 week passsed, & yup, saw doctor, got some supplements that's suppose to help me concentrate better. But, I realised my condition got worst ( after or probably during a stupid math test). I was simply so anxiety ridden that I "pak" hit my pen agaisnt the table producing this utterly loud noise, that I didnt even know why. X= Got scolded by thelma, cause I am runing away from my anxitey by not telling the doctor the full picture X=

Read Julian's blog, felt one thing in common. Friends- We should/ can give in to traits of indiviuals, afterall, friends ought to be able to give in at times & accomodate or probably appreciate the differences of the opposite. But, at times, when we know too much of the "darker side " of others, we start to be wary, cause I experienced that. & probably people didnt notice that changed me quite alot.

less than 100 days to A levels le. I also wan to be somebody but 可以吗? I wanted it quite badly . haizzzz

在这世上有很多事都不是在自己的掌控当中，我不能说我进力了。但是，我也很难说自己没去尝试争取，毕竟天不从人愿。我也很想去过以前那种觉逍遥快活的日子。

I should be writing my 3 paragraphs of CCA/ CIP achievements now de, but , aya who cares la. Its another selling point hahah.

I'll write 1 on CCA, 1 on Xperience pharmacy camp, 1 on my peer tutoring experience both internal & external de.

Now thinking back, my J1 life isnt that bad bah, though 50% of it was wasted on slogging through mugging. At least I enjoyed the interview trips, the camps & the taiwan trip. PW wasnt as bad now, its like a learning experence, those days, I sort of missed them. I am someone that reminises, at some point of life, things that we consider bad or tedious in the past wasn't that bad afterall. Its the experience bah.

But, mood swings are getting more & more eeeeeee le. I can be happy for awhile & suddenly sad later, like today during chem, I was emo ttm !!! & I realise that anti depressants could make me sucidal X= (for the first 2 wks before it takes effects) :( I dun wan to eat that.

Recently found 笨小孩 sung by 劉德華. The lyrics quite nice & interesting de hahah......

Every man is his own island........ now I understand wad this meant le................

k, I should be mugging now, but I really don't feel like. I am pretty tired today, after the brief chat with the 2 china teachers. I still wondered if I have asked the wrong questions haha.

Hmm, just a quick update on my situation, mood swings r getting more & more frequent. I just had one, thanks to stupic spectacles shop that didnt polish my lens side, I was freaking annoyed by the fact that, they didnt do that........... I should have brought the other more ex de.... it look much nicer on me X=

& I am recommended to go on medication to control my condition, cause its just getting into my life. So I was referraled once again to another doctor..... zzzz on saturday. I really dun feel like de, having medication de.

hiazzz, like wad I told Chih Kiat, I felt quite screwed, my eye sight is 1000 degree le & my condition made things worst......

haizzzz

thats out it.

Got back everything today....................... The last paper started like that ..............

" Your Class .................. worst ................ " I was like -.- , then "30% pass" me & ee hong was like huh 8 only ar..... zzzzzzz.....

Got back paper1, I was like ok, paper 3 I was ok, paper 2, wah shocked completely...... The first thing that strike my mind was - " Did I study?" ....... It is quite hard to believe that you studied when u got 33.5/100. It sort of blew me off & anxiety kicked in. I started ............... but I was really really scared to breath hard & scared that I would collapse, cause I turned numb, & I really dun wan to let the class feel anything ( especially when the atmosphere is pretty sadddd), so I decided to take o.25 of the medicine & just went out of class for air ( with a signal to mr wong). & the way he gave out the papers, use throw de, I am abit pissed also X=

Ee Hong came along, really appreciated that. :)

Its quite hmmm, sad bah. Somehow, I felt that the class did put in some effort to study for the bio, just that probably hmmm.

命中有时终须有, 命中无时默强求

haizzzz, I cant help to sigh la........ This anxiety is really disrupting my life, even during exams......

Today, might have been a wasted trip, but at least I realised that there's nothing that I can do to recover, I can only try to combat it. It has been part & parcel le.

The energy to continue 。。。。。。

Read the papers, everything sound quite similar to what I experienced.... but the ending was different, probably I was saved in time.

---------------------------------------

I have probably done some immense harm to you, but I also recieved quite a fair share of that. I thought probably, it was more suitable if I leave u alone. I don't know if I look selfish, but I really don't know what to do.

该是时候分道扬镳了。
你走你的阳光道，
我过我的独木桥。
可能这是一个自私的句点，
但似乎这样比较好吧。

haizzz, life after exams are quite boring de lols. lalalala, tmr is a waste of time, y not just let us have GP & chem, I think they delibrately put the alumni thingy in between de, or else I would have signed out !!!! lols

多愁善感, 烟消云散,

早知今日,何必当初,

路到尽头,努力不懈,

一丝曙光,缺处逢生.

Life is like math,

if we are destined to meet, we'll intersect at one point or the other

if we are meant to gather, we'll be tangent somehow or rather

if we are not fated to meet, we'll be 2 parallel lines that never cross path

This is life.......................

feeling rather emoish now. I don't want any regrets of not trying to get what I want, but experience seems to tell that I am not that teabag for that cup of tea. Just like that paper justnow, its not as if I dont know how to do, cause even my memory is failing me... Understadn understand, thats what I always heard teacjers saying. But understanding alone, without commiting to memory kills. Its like you know how to do, but you forget.

Really dont want 6 Es appearing infront of me, but GP is sure at most a E, CSE , E , chem is already half dead, math is like haizzz........

I wonder why my life is only about grades, but for now or at least the next 3 months , it should only be about grades and nothing else bah. I really dun wan E & S for GP & CSE, it is really 2 things that will break me, cause I have absolutely no confident in them at all....

okays, I am freaking worried before this stupid math paper 2 & I was rite, something will be wrong.... I was so so so anxiety ridden during that paper la!!!

When I started the MI I was like, hmmm not bad, I managed to finish it within 6 minutes leh :). But come 2nd & 3rd question, I was totally wiped off the table. I was so so pek cek when I reached 4th question, leaving Q2 & Q3 part ii) blank, that I was abit gasping for breath (luckily I calm myself down abit), & I crushed the paper quite loud. lol & the pure math section, I was like why I didnt see a single normal approx & normal & the supposedly normal question turned out to be answered in an unnormal way, making me so freaking afraid that what I was writing was all wrong. zzzzzzz

K, nvm, there's some quite irritating things happening throughout the paper also, the guy on my right, actually finished what he could within like 2hours & slept for 1 whole hour, I was like WTH , am I that dumb, how I wish I could sleep also, while the girl on the left kept sighing & sighing non stop for the last hour zzzzzz . & there's one "fucker" guy behind this "left girl" that kept saying fuck rite from the start of the paper, I was like, wow, what a memorable exam experience I had......


haizzzzz its such a bad paper......