For the pass week - I got my new specs, got a new crystal bear ornament that I have always wanted, though its complimentary for SK jewllery & not from swaroviski, but I am still happy that I finally got a pair of crystal bears :) hahah they are so so so cute& lovely the boy wore a black hat & the girl got this pink flower so so so nice :) these are probably those little things I should be happy about. lols

Hmm, 1 week passsed, & yup, saw doctor, got some supplements that's suppose to help me concentrate better. But, I realised my condition got worst ( after or probably during a stupid math test). I was simply so anxiety ridden that I "pak" hit my pen agaisnt the table producing this utterly loud noise, that I didnt even know why. X= Got scolded by thelma, cause I am runing away from my anxitey by not telling the doctor the full picture X=

Read Julian's blog, felt one thing in common. Friends- We should/ can give in to traits of indiviuals, afterall, friends ought to be able to give in at times & accomodate or probably appreciate the differences of the opposite. But, at times, when we know too much of the "darker side " of others, we start to be wary, cause I experienced that. & probably people didnt notice that changed me quite alot.

less than 100 days to A levels le. I also wan to be somebody but 可以吗? I wanted it quite badly . haizzzz

在这世上有很多事都不是在自己的掌控当中，我不能说我进力了。但是，我也很难说自己没去尝试争取，毕竟天不从人愿。我也很想去过以前那种觉逍遥快活的日子。

I should be writing my 3 paragraphs of CCA/ CIP achievements now de, but , aya who cares la. Its another selling point hahah.

I'll write 1 on CCA, 1 on Xperience pharmacy camp, 1 on my peer tutoring experience both internal & external de.

Now thinking back, my J1 life isnt that bad bah, though 50% of it was wasted on slogging through mugging. At least I enjoyed the interview trips, the camps & the taiwan trip. PW wasnt as bad now, its like a learning experence, those days, I sort of missed them. I am someone that reminises, at some point of life, things that we consider bad or tedious in the past wasn't that bad afterall. Its the experience bah.

But, mood swings are getting more & more eeeeeee le. I can be happy for awhile & suddenly sad later, like today during chem, I was emo ttm !!! & I realise that anti depressants could make me sucidal X= (for the first 2 wks before it takes effects) :( I dun wan to eat that.

Recently found 笨小孩 sung by 劉德華. The lyrics quite nice & interesting de hahah......

Every man is his own island........ now I understand wad this meant le................

k, I should be mugging now, but I really don't feel like. I am pretty tired today, after the brief chat with the 2 china teachers. I still wondered if I have asked the wrong questions haha.

Hmm, just a quick update on my situation, mood swings r getting more & more frequent. I just had one, thanks to stupic spectacles shop that didnt polish my lens side, I was freaking annoyed by the fact that, they didnt do that........... I should have brought the other more ex de.... it look much nicer on me X=

& I am recommended to go on medication to control my condition, cause its just getting into my life. So I was referraled once again to another doctor..... zzzz on saturday. I really dun feel like de, having medication de.

hiazzz, like wad I told Chih Kiat, I felt quite screwed, my eye sight is 1000 degree le & my condition made things worst......

haizzzz

thats out it.

Got back everything today....................... The last paper started like that ..............

" Your Class .................. worst ................ " I was like -.- , then "30% pass" me & ee hong was like huh 8 only ar..... zzzzzzz.....

Got back paper1, I was like ok, paper 3 I was ok, paper 2, wah shocked completely...... The first thing that strike my mind was - " Did I study?" ....... It is quite hard to believe that you studied when u got 33.5/100. It sort of blew me off & anxiety kicked in. I started ............... but I was really really scared to breath hard & scared that I would collapse, cause I turned numb, & I really dun wan to let the class feel anything ( especially when the atmosphere is pretty sadddd), so I decided to take o.25 of the medicine & just went out of class for air ( with a signal to mr wong). & the way he gave out the papers, use throw de, I am abit pissed also X=

Ee Hong came along, really appreciated that. :)

Its quite hmmm, sad bah. Somehow, I felt that the class did put in some effort to study for the bio, just that probably hmmm.

命中有时终须有, 命中无时默强求

haizzzz, I cant help to sigh la........ This anxiety is really disrupting my life, even during exams......

Today, might have been a wasted trip, but at least I realised that there's nothing that I can do to recover, I can only try to combat it. It has been part & parcel le.

The energy to continue 。。。。。。

Read the papers, everything sound quite similar to what I experienced.... but the ending was different, probably I was saved in time.

---------------------------------------

I have probably done some immense harm to you, but I also recieved quite a fair share of that. I thought probably, it was more suitable if I leave u alone. I don't know if I look selfish, but I really don't know what to do.

该是时候分道扬镳了。
你走你的阳光道，
我过我的独木桥。
可能这是一个自私的句点，
但似乎这样比较好吧。

haizzz, life after exams are quite boring de lols. lalalala, tmr is a waste of time, y not just let us have GP & chem, I think they delibrately put the alumni thingy in between de, or else I would have signed out !!!! lols

多愁善感, 烟消云散,

早知今日,何必当初,

路到尽头,努力不懈,

一丝曙光,缺处逢生.

Life is like math,

if we are destined to meet, we'll intersect at one point or the other

if we are meant to gather, we'll be tangent somehow or rather

if we are not fated to meet, we'll be 2 parallel lines that never cross path

This is life.......................

feeling rather emoish now. I don't want any regrets of not trying to get what I want, but experience seems to tell that I am not that teabag for that cup of tea. Just like that paper justnow, its not as if I dont know how to do, cause even my memory is failing me... Understadn understand, thats what I always heard teacjers saying. But understanding alone, without commiting to memory kills. Its like you know how to do, but you forget.

Really dont want 6 Es appearing infront of me, but GP is sure at most a E, CSE , E , chem is already half dead, math is like haizzz........

I wonder why my life is only about grades, but for now or at least the next 3 months , it should only be about grades and nothing else bah. I really dun wan E & S for GP & CSE, it is really 2 things that will break me, cause I have absolutely no confident in them at all....

okays, I am freaking worried before this stupid math paper 2 & I was rite, something will be wrong.... I was so so so anxiety ridden during that paper la!!!

When I started the MI I was like, hmmm not bad, I managed to finish it within 6 minutes leh :). But come 2nd & 3rd question, I was totally wiped off the table. I was so so pek cek when I reached 4th question, leaving Q2 & Q3 part ii) blank, that I was abit gasping for breath (luckily I calm myself down abit), & I crushed the paper quite loud. lol & the pure math section, I was like why I didnt see a single normal approx & normal & the supposedly normal question turned out to be answered in an unnormal way, making me so freaking afraid that what I was writing was all wrong. zzzzzzz

K, nvm, there's some quite irritating things happening throughout the paper also, the guy on my right, actually finished what he could within like 2hours & slept for 1 whole hour, I was like WTH , am I that dumb, how I wish I could sleep also, while the girl on the left kept sighing & sighing non stop for the last hour zzzzzz . & there's one "fucker" guy behind this "left girl" that kept saying fuck rite from the start of the paper, I was like, wow, what a memorable exam experience I had......


haizzzzz its such a bad paper......

Haizzzzz, if only I didnt waste 1 hour on 1 essay, I could hab at least any how finish the 2nd essay. & question 1c , was haizzzz disappointed again :( I sort of spotted the question but still surprise to see question 2 to be repeated.

Today's experience tells 2 things, it is literally impossible to craft a whole new essay wwithin 45 mins, bit diffcult la. So memory is really important bah X=

haizzz :(

1.6 days of CSE only let me complete like theme 4, I am still left with theme 3 , dunno how to finish it. Wo si le :( lols. But , oddly, I dun feel v stress leh, just abit bpressed for time & totally drained. china china china eeeu. lols

k, I went hospital for my first visit today.....................

hmmmm....... He did a totally check on my situation.... my relationship etc... hayos. The doctor is from India haha ( he got a very very freaking thick accent leh !!!( Make me so xin ku to listen to him.) lol. His name very cute also - surej babykutty john.

Is bit ex la, I went in like for 30 mins, & they charged me $30....... Got medication for emergency, er not advised to be taken under normal conditions, cause it makes me dumb or rather my brain will function slower. So that I dun think too much & it will then lighten my hyperventilation.

Got 2 conclusions from this visit. Study might not be my cup of tea, I forced things on myself, hence, when things r going downwards, my learning process worsens & the vicious cycle continue. Next, as usual, I was adviced to go out with friends more often, I am like huh, now so busy how? nvm, breathing therapy lessons in 3 weeks time at NUH...... hmmmmm k bah.

2nd conclusion is - NUH only got forgein doctor & that place is big haha.

K, bah anxiety disorder - is common ( I doubt, though I know that our school also have ppl sufering from this, but my disorder is more serious bah) thats about it.

I am wasting time liao hahah

Kays, went NS checkup at depot road today, freaking far & long..... The medical checkup is like 2.5 hrs, the vocational assesment took me 3 hrs...... (not very fun, I was like, can it be done asap.) Basically is all physics & math & I think I failed the math dam badly, caused before I even finish half of the math session, time out.....

Brought my referral letters along with me, saved me the trouble of talking what happen. & I am now PES D for 3 freaking months....... & I will need to go for review like during prelims....... haizzzz

Say Kendric today also, he went for review. & By 3mths later my memo would have reached CMPB also le...... Hope I can get the PES I want. X=

& I wanna complain, how can they freaking draw blood from me like that de, poke the neddle in & dun draw, wait wait wait talk talk talk then start drawing slowly ZZZZZZZ Dam pain la!!!! Then worst still, After he pull out the neddle, he didnt even press my wound zzzzz....

NVM, at least they didnt manage to take a 2nd sample for my potassium, I was like thank goodness..... lols

I got my NUH appointment letter today also le...... so werid still got doctor name on it. I remeber my mum's letter dun hab de. X=

Youtube :)

k, its like a week + since my last post le.

我终于忍不住了。。。。。。。。

I went to see mrs low again like on wednesday, though I still dunno how to tell her wad happen XD She was patient enough. & she say that if there's one thing good, I am willing to seek help :) But the trip also reconfirmed one thing, if I dun make the turn, IMH there I go. :( I dun wan >.<

So eventually, that nite, I smsed her what happened, that whole chunk of story, she was surprised also. lol, yet she's quite calm, replying that there's no harm seeing a specialist.

Though she wasnt very positive, cause yah. She say that if I felt stress before any paper, I can just sms her & visit her an hour before the paper & she would free up the room, lol. & dun mingle with any gang & continue fliping notes.....

& today, went to see tcm, cause tution was cancelled ( thank goodness). Got green green colour pills thats suppose to help me sleep 0.0 hahah.

My mood is lighter le, but things doesnt change overnite. "What is happiness" question which Sirage posted for us, guess I knew why I was so confident with that question back then le. For, that was the start of problem.

快乐才是成功

你和我的距离似乎越飘越远了，可能是时候让风筝的线断了吧。

friends are very important in life
they make up a huge portion of your life

for some, they are like guests
coming and leaving after a brief visit

for some, they are like vermin
coming and sucking everything from you

for some, they are like wine
good and getting better the longer you know them

i hope one day, when i need a friend,
all of you will be there for me

Liked this :) posted by hazel

诚信

相信别人,相信自己, 如果我能选择,我不会和任何人说这三个月来的苦.
但我真的憋不住了.

Its a kind of human mentality, we dont want people close to us to know what happen, fearing that, by revealing pieces of past, the image of us would change. For intsance, that sight of him entering that room, also took me by a shock, afterall he look bit hmmm ( always come & kao pek me only). Huamns, have our own secrets, which we don't want to reveal to others. Just like, I would rather pay to tell strangers how I felt, nowadays, than to tell people around how I felt.

我好,你也好.就当一切没发生过.

I learnt something (lol), the worst thing to tell people is " its ok de, dun worry" cause, the inate nature of humans tells us that, such words are just lies, we humans created to calm ourselves down & they do nothing but to conseal the utter truth from us for awhile & sooner or later we'll still, sadly, have to face the cruel facts.... If people want to cry, let them cry, but after awhile, we ought to stop them, if not ........ but teras needs to flow, it is a way, that stress could be "thrown away" .

人活在当下

No matter how long, tedious the path is, if we persist on, there would be an end.

Can I dont study???? I really hate that stupid feel of I dont have time, I keep telling myself time & again, you have time. But when I revised, I really is speechlesss.... there's tonnes of things to do. I don't wannna do Miss Aw's papers, X= Not a single one, or at least not 3 schools ( top somemore). It's bit stressful, when I dont have time to get my basics right. But I fear, I fear that, I would fail if I dont do them. Idoit feelings rite? 7 it would be worst, if Ms Aw asked me, did u do the papers & I failed. I would haizzz, nvm bah.... we see how.

Just read julian's post, it sets me thinking, does counsellor work? lols, it doesnt seem very much for my stuborn character bah X= lols. haha