I SERIOUSLY wondered about the meaning of your presence. U brought me literatelly everything, happy, sad, emo , stress everything.

I can say that, my condition today was 1% because of you. You, dont really know what I am feeling. At times, some stuffs just happened. I really didnt wanted these things to coincide, but somehow they did. And it not only create troubles for you, but it stresses me.

I exploded that time, because I thought I should let go. & now, I really felt that I should let go. If you think its my fault I accept it.

I really hope that I would not be affected by you, as much.

---------------------------------

My condition, & I am using that, looks optimum to her, but it is like a roller coaster ride, ups & downs. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I am really trying very hard to get down to work, and I mean work!

Was rather, feeling emo today. And I think that classroom has too much "YIN QI", making me emo everytime I am in. Math was C abit depressing, but like what she say, it is just a rehersal, accidents do happen, take it in my stride and move on.

I liked what Cindy posted......

人都是很自私的，都是为了自己的利益在做事。
如今，所谓的公平在这世上存在着什么的意义？
你得到你想要的但你有想过你是怎么得到的吗？
你是靠自己的实力还是，是踩着别人的肩上位？
把别人说的一文不值，难道就是你所会的一切？
或许你并没发现但你的言语却伤透了别人的心。

你应该惭愧的道歉而不是继续嚣张的自以为是。
或者说，如果你不要道歉但至少可以自觉反省。
你让一个满怀希望的人，从天堂掉入了地狱里。
难道你心里变态所以对你而言这是一种乐趣呢？
我真的搞不懂，你难道就不会感到一丝愧疚吗？
在你虚伪的假面具下，你到底是怎样的一个人？
答案只有你自己知道但我想，你只是个空蛋壳。
华丽的外壳骗了不少人但腐烂的内心让人反胃。
我甚至怀疑你与我或别人的友情，是真还是假。

If there's another way, or rather, if I knew there would be today, I would not have chosen this way. But, since I am already here. I ought to make it there, for it is only then would my grivenaces be justified.

In the mist of picking up the debribs, an arguement came.
I wonder if I'll pick up the momentum in time to catch up with things. I am neither slow nor fast now.

She's right, just do what you can. Homework need not nessarily be done all on time. Believe that you'll get there & with the effort, you will get there. Even if I feel like walking out of class, just stay there & bring your mind to a higher level. Running away does not solve the problem..........

Alrites back to mugging.... still gt math test tmr.... I dun wan E again. It's this stupid E that literately tore me apart into this pathetic state that I am in now......

快乐才是成功

Feeling light, relaxed & probably happy today. That emo feeling is finally clearing off........... Mrs Low seems to read me more than a book and know me as thought she knew me all these while. Hope I can be normal soon & get back to mugging, real soon.

A B for PW. I would say, I expected it all these while. I would say that it's the WR that caused the A. The B seems abit useless, after hearing that 95% of the school got A or B.

One thing good about everyone having a B is that, we don't feel that shitty feeling of inferior or mistakes. But the bad thing is, CaiLin's straight A will be gone. Felt bit bad over it. lols

It's over.

Probably, she's right. If I were to continue, without exploding, I am driving myself towards a cliff, is just when I'll fall. I am experiencing both the positive and negative sides of motivation. I have driven myself way off my limits.

She used this analogy, there's 3 kinds of runner. A, started with full steam, but eventually, his lungs can't take it, he collapse it half way. B, is simply too scared to continuing, for he keep comparing , and looking at the left and right sides, seeing only how fast people run, without realising that he also has his potential. B gave up eventually. & lastly, there's C. C ran with a consistent speed, but he made it, for he just stick to his ideas and be consistent.

The moral of the story, it's not how fast we run, how many times we bloom. It is how well we bloom at the end, that really matters.

I was finally smiling again. Yew Cheng haven't been smiling genuniely for a long time. No one notices that. I appeared strong in front of literatelly everyone. But superficial things doesnt last, eventually everything came apart.

I started moving again, but this time, I know, I can't afford to breakdown again. She said that I need to start slow. Yes, I agree, and I am probably having a short break for now. & my health.... I don;t want to have a 3rd attack, which might put me on bed for a week......

If I am destintied for accountancy I'll reach there, if not no matter how hard I work, things wont work out. There's always a greener pasture out there awaiting for me to discover.

苍天恩德， 佛恩浩大

我的存在，
你的出现，
不是机缘巧合，
而是冥冥中自有安排。

由心感谢

After keeping everything to myself for such a horrendously long period of time. I have finally confided to 2 adults at one go. ( I should have said, I exploded)

Meet Mdm Song on thursday, initally thought I would have a consulation with her. But the series of events took a turn, a surpirsing one. Never did I thought that I would see Jessie. Neither did I thought of seeing her tearing ( due to Miss Aw's : wad happend?). She saw Mdm Song & she started ...... yah. Then she was brought to aside. I waited.

After 0.5 hrs, my turn, I asked wad shld I do to math........ ( she said & stuffs & my mood starts to change for the worst). Eventually I cant take it I cried also.... Then we went over to a quite corner. I finally confided to her how horrible I felt... & that I felt like dying.... She's shocked, I could sense that..... She tried consoling me but, her attempts failed.

I began to hyperventilate & ...... she called the counsellor. I went down to the office, went into the VP's office ( VP went home , so we used her office instead. Think the P saw me, but she kept her silence, which I was glad she did), by then I was pale , white completely horrible. She brought in a cup of hot water. We sat there for an hour, she calm me down and we chatted.

Guess I was holding on to too much things, feared for too many negatives, that lead me to where I am. Review on monday, after school.

I knew, I wasn't feeling rite, and guessed I was right this time. I brokedown...............

It's not the physical fatigue that drains. It's the emotional fatigue that kills. & probably Ms Low was right, I need to take care of my health, more than anything..........

She knew, I tried to appear strong on the outside, but I finally gave myself away.............

I wanted no one else to know about anything, but the news spread, by now at least 4-6 adults ( including the one at home) should have known wad happened. I hope that don't come ask me anymore. When the P saw me on friday, I knew that,she sort of the stared at me, to see if I am fine.

I am starting to not trust you. I know it's wrong but I am getting a negative pulse from you. If it continues this way,the competition would eventually errode this whole friendship. I ought to be prepared for this day.

I need to confide for if not, I am starting to show signs of burning out.

What a hectic, and horrible week.....

It started with a C in chem, which I now realise, if it wasn't because of my foolish carelessness, I would have easily gotten a B, instead of that C. Wasted this paper....

Math was disasterous. For the first time in my life, an Elephant apeared, obstructing my way forward. I was totally devasted to the maximum. I studied yet I got a E. I can't help but to amplify this point. The 1 hour of going through the paper was tortoureous. I simply can't concentrate, I was looking out of the windows, trying to remain calm. But guess I can't take it. I shouted at Ee Hong. lol . It was definatley heart rentching, for I almost teared infront of Mdm Song, when she asked what happened. I tried to be strong. But guessed I wasn't that strong, I broke into tears that afternoon & the day after( 2 x) for it wasn't easy to accept the fact that I studied yet I somehow failed.

GP was a close shave. But I was glad that I made the right choice. Was bit shocked, but I was glad that I passed. And the essay I was simply happy that I got 29, though a mistake in the labelling of question cost me 1 mark. lol. But probably, Dr Queck was right, the process of waiting for results made me too stress and worried. That I hyperventilated for 15 mins.... A terrible ordeal, my vision went blurred, my hands froze, pearls of sweat slid down my back, for once I thought I was fainting.........

It wasn't the process that drains. It is the failures that demoralises.

Today was really really enjoyable. Lunch at Pizza Hut. Was really enjoyable, chit chatting, eating etc.... gossips.

If only everyday was like that.,,, life wont be so tough & it would had been more manageable.

Phew..................... It's like 1 week, or rather 4 days & it's finally over.

CSE was a waste. I actually guessed that it would be that essay. But I didnt manage to have time. Or maybe I was too stuborn & thought, I could come up with an inpromtu essay on the spot.

Chem was abit wasted, or maybe I was simply unprepared. But I felt that I was rather panicky, fluttered & unfocused. Jumping here & there.

Math, I was like "WOW" PJC actually can set such questions. Bit taken aback. Usually thought that they set manageable stuffs. But guessed I was wrong. Last 4 question & the tiger question killed me, 43 marks at risk. haizzzz there goes my apple. I can pass already very good le.

Bio, er, if only I wasnt so suay & had fever last nite, I might had bloomed....

jaded.........haizzz, life sux.

Chemistry today. Felt totally cheated. Wonder if I got U for it. If I do, it would be the first in my life. Will I cry if I get U? I wonder also. lols.

Tmr is math, alot to memorize.............. I don't want to be in that awkard situation hearing - "U R NOT DOING JUSTICE TO YOURSELF". his kind of stuffs, once is enough.... I almost teared back then hahah.

Kept wondering if I get DES & UU how? touchwood.

Shouldnt be here at this moment. Should be mugging, like what everyone else is doing.

I can sense that I am drifting apart from the class. That's something for sure& I have predicted. I tried to accustomise myself into the envirnoment I chose(or could I say I forced myself to be in) to be in. But I seems to fail.

Science center today was, not exactly fun, neither was it boring. PCR was new, electrophoresis was er old. lols.

Juggling between work & play, probably is way beyound my ability. I tried to study during this pseudo march holiday. I felt that I failed. Quite alot of things were undone. Math for instance, vectors & APGP. Chemistry, organic chemistry is enough to kill me. Biology like CSE, don't even mention it.

1 week & I would most likey turn myself to be at risk( & I dare say, for the first time in my life). & the consequence, would my already low morale take another blow? Or rather, am I up for another blow, or another fall. Will I climb up in time?

I appear strong, cold and probably even arrogant to some. But who really knows what I am thinking. How I wished that everything was a dream & I could just pass-on beyound this miserable stage of "life".

Alrights..... life still goes on.......... brush, bath & mug

Probably I should just take this common test as a stepping stone but can I really percieve it this way?

About to start APGP, or rather I started, but just after 1 question, I stopped, cause I can't stand it. Arithmetic & Geometric proggression- is like an comprehension passage filled with numbers that replaced the bombarstic words.

It's quite a joke, 1 year passed & soon, I would be left with 3 terms before my final lap in this local Education System. It's pretty fast, and I am just quite annoyed, unprepared & probably lack the confidence to excel.

I do have a dream, or to be more specific, an end in mind. But the way things are turning, I really wondered how things would turn out. I tell myself, if there's a miracle for PW, I would harp on to that dream. If not, why not just let it aside. For my grades probally couldn't get me that far.

Lies, false statements, sour grapes(I am not refering to you, I am refering to cockroach) or even white lies, are everywhere. I tried to differentiate them, but they simply clump and clatter together into a lump, far beyound recognition.

I tried to slow down the pace of life, cause I don't want a stupid relapse or burn out before the main course. But, the trend surronding me, doesnt seems to allow me to do so. I will just have to work abit harder, while at the same time, choose wwho to communicate with, such that I remain humane till the end...................

Phew....... How I wish I could catch some Korean drama like now................... But probably I'll have to go back to APGP. I don't want to end up hearing - you are not doing justice to yourself, or even worst being labelled AT RISK........... lols.

May the blessings to triple merits guide me through this ordeal, and may the peace & serenity that I once own, suroound me as I try to make it to the end of this tunnel.

GP paper yeaterday, I would say that, any kids sitting for that paper would have this in mind. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANNA BE AN ASTRONAUT?

Just hope I could pass, deleate the flying colours, cause is not possible.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be...possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, long lost friend, or even a complete stranger, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Most importantly!!!if you LOVE someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day that you live.

THAT’S THE STORY OF LIFE

I toss a coin, with a prayer to predict what will happen. The predictions is sadly coming true.

It's like so long since I last came online. Tonnes of things happened, almost breakdown. I thought u trusted me but sadly you don't.
-----------------------

Miss Aw's lesson on tuesday was, simply life changing. Every word that she sprouted during that short 1 hour of "life long lesson" really made an impact. Someone who actually phrased your thoughts out, word by word, in such a tactful manner, to make sure that the impact is made, but no harm is done. She's just too skilled for that. A totally different side from her. 7 months, that's all you have. It will determine what you are doing for the next 70 years. If you want to waste it, it's your life. The consequences - gossips and failures that you will face.

----------------------

A level Results. Today. nothing much of the special. Just that I realise one thing - confiding in someone, really really doesnt mean saying whatever you are thinking at that point. For your concern can become the other's distress. Just keep things to yourself, it doesn't kill to do so.

Isolation, is a good way to escape from interaction. For it ensures that you do not intrude other's privacy. Neither would other's be able to peek into your life.

Probably, staying in class during breaks & going to that solitude concer in the library does help.
-----------------------

I do not experience real "emotional stage" . I disagree. I literately was in pieces somewhere now last year. Who knows? Answer is "no one". I appear calm and to some perhaps strong. But who can really look into what is going on in my brain, what I am thinking? No -one does.

I thought I found someone to open up that lock in my heart, that was triple or even quaternary reinenforced( thanks to that "marvellous childhood of mine"). But guessed I was wrong.

----------------------

Birthday - well wishes & wallet. Nothing much other than - appreciate what they did. If only dad was more generous, or should i say, if only those 2 pieces of papers never belonged to my family. Wishes- I didnt pray for anything on this faithful day. For it didnt turn out right(from the start of the year).

-----------------------

Frenetic and indivualistic - that's how the world ought to be described. Glad that I locked this up. If not, who am I telling all these? U? Not now. I wondered, will this cast an end to the story. If it is wise, then probably .............. nvm.

Its rather ironic that when I am well & healthy, I feel like being sick, so that I can run away from that pile of homework. But when I am sick, it feels as though, I have lacked behind. Although, I wasn't really, that much behind..................................

I had 2 consecutive new year, filled with uncertainties. It sets me wondering, whether or not I had made the right choice, whether I should have so sturbornly sticked with my own instincts, whether I would have been better elsewhere. Its dumb, for such thoughts to surface at this point of the time. When you have invested so much in it.

There's still time................. Its really a nice phrase to make things look less complicated. But at times, probably it's just another reason for me to run away from facts.

To be frank, I don't really like where I am(and if I could I would add this phrase - probably from the start, from the moment I entered that door). & yup, some people do notice that I am turning bit "hermit" recently.......................... Would it get worst? I have no idea......... The reason - Some people r pissing me off....... with a bag full of lies.

Asthma after 14 yrs...... what a joke. Probably, I would be bound to another joke soon. But trust me, I swear, I would never let what happen last year happen.

Guess, I would want a slower paced life recently & I think I am adapting to that. Don't want to get burn out before the real things. But neither should I be too complacent, for I agree, there's simply too much uncertainties & lies going around me.

-------------------------------

CNY2010

I call it - 老虎出来咬人。haha. Could have enjoyed it more, if only I wasn't sick. Ang Pao wise, hmmm not bad this year, cause I got tips for packing ang paos hahah. Overall, not much difference, probably lesser............. But the $$ also not I keep so not much difference.

Food wise, bad........ My alll time favourites, pineapple tarts, sugee cookies, floss rolls........... All so near, yet so far........
-------------------------------
NUH
hmmm, not as bad as I thought. Bit worried initially but, generally was fine......


幸福是要自己去争取的