Shouldnt be here, but my com is on.

There's simply too much work to do, that I am like totally overwhelmed to the extend I dunno wad to do. Prioritise, thats what I was told, but everything seems so urgent. I am begining to feel abit like, freak out again. I keep telling myself to slow down, slow down, but it is really terrible when things gush in like tusnami. I need to prepare & anticipate it. It's like haiz.

Just give up on some things, I wanted to really. But my heart doesnt. It irks to the max, when I cant finish things. & like what Mrs lee say, it really feels sucky when u study day & nite, yet when ppl study 1 hour , they get there & u dun. She's refering to me bah ( most likely). But she's quite kind to leave me alone le. lol .

Earth day celebrations today, should have saved myself a glass container for making of terranium(wrong spelling). I keep helping people make, but I didnt make for myself lols. But I manage to salvage some nice ornamental plants for myself. Hope, Mrs Chan hasnt been so insensitive & tell the world what happened to me.

bath & brush & hwwwwwww

1day normal, 1 day abnormal, thats me nowadays. Next week schedule is bit hectic, but 2 more weeks , holiday liao, pia a bit, I'll be in malaysia on 1st wk, wed for secret recipe, Kueh lapis, & more food hahah.....

I tried very hard le. It's not as though I didnt. So just let it be. Maybe I should be like Mr wong, stay in library to mug for every recess, but I don't want, I find it tad bit too kia - su le. haha

我的素命,上苍的安排.

K, I am like, offically resting this weekend like that, did nothing today. Went Bukit timah to register for math revision, cause I simly felt insecure with those tutorials & stuffs. Blame it on stupid CT, I tell everyone thst I got over it, but frankly speaking, I doubt I did, until I see another apple, I doubt I would. This is another side of me, that insastible, insecure side of Yew Cheng. So I am doing what I could, like ronald, buying back that sense of security with money. Haha, ronald if u r reading this , dun scold me haha.

Went walk walk around Bukit Timah shopping center, was bit utterly shocked with that much change it underwent. Afterall it was filled with my childhood memories, waddling around like a little chick, passing the various shops belonging to my relatives & yah. Then discovering that, there's the little tution center hidden in this secretive location which I never know where it was till today.

Proceeded to BT market, to have my favourite hokkien mee, brought the super nice carrot cake & Zui Kueh home & ta pao hokkien mee for my brother. Got stuck in the traffic for 0.5 hrs, that's how I wasted today. But on the other side, probably it was a break I deserved. I need to rest before I move on, if not yup.

When you are surrounded with people aiming high, you would naturally want to follow the herd & aim high. Hence when u hit low, it could be demoralising. Publishing such posts doesnt help, but at least there's a place to keep what I felt away from my brain. For I really dunno who to tell all these to. Cause, the mrs low is also overseas & away....... But probably like what Cindy said, I confused of who to confide in. That's y, there's only 2 readers to this blog also. I locked it up so that ---- ---- dun see it.

放下,如果真的能解决问题,我愿意. 但雪球会不会,越滚越大? 那就不得而知了.

我真的会到吗？Humans needs are insastible, thats what econs taught us,( & its what I learnt this week) but do we really reflect upon it? Probably I don't. I tried to lead that life, that is not a competition, but a challenge. But being surrounded by such circumstances, I really don't know how to alleviate myself to higher grounds, to make myself feel that tad bit more comfortable, tad bit more relaxed.

Can I blame it on my past, which shaped my present? It's kind of a running away from facts, but I could, I would have hid myself up in a hole, away from everything.

Just look up at the stars & count our blessings........................................

Finally, hands off Eco club stuffs. My work is done. The final assignment. I am just so glad today. Though the process of compling, & pinning up wasn't that fantastic, but at least it's done.

Frankly speaking, I am thinking too much again. It's like only 1 week. Haizzzzzzz, if I could switch that part of my brain off, I really would. It's making me bit, sian during tutorials again. Need to stop that, before I revert back to that stupid mode again. But some incidents, some things really really sets me off on this mode, which I hate.

Guess this is my life, but this emotion part, I should try to control it, for if not, I really can't move on.

Probably, I should slow down abit le. Cause, I am feeling bit, shitty again, cause I think maybe yah, I mugged bit too much, though not much productive was done. I know I am forcing myself doing some stuffs which I dun really feel like. But what Hui Jie said was right. 6 more months, it'll be over, just get through it.

But, at least I should not work myself to that 2nd breakdown, for if not, I really dont know how to stand up ever again. Crying for 3 consecutive nites, is a shittiest thing ever.

Here I am thinking about my life again. If only, we could have a second chance to resart the chapter, I'll rewrite it, in another manner. At least, my life wouldnt have been so screwed up, with only books, notes & nothing else.

I go to school feeling much better nowadays, but sometimes, that stupid classroom atmosphere just doesnt make me feel good. My mind wondered off somewhere else afar. I know it seems odd for me to be floating about school alone, going to cafe alone, but, frankly speaking my face & actions contradicts.

I walk past those shops in orchard, almost every friday, yet, I seldom have the chance to venture into one of them, probably only M & S, for the cookies.

U walked off that nite. It was normal of you doing that. But before that, you said alot of things, I don't know if u intend to have any hidden meaning behind it. But I took it with agenda. That's y I burst & congrats everything is over now. I won't interfere with your life. Neither should you touch mine. It is a common battle yet, there's different end. You envied what I got, I tolerated, at the expanse of my mood. Yet nothing works, so just leave me alone, if i see you up there, congrats. But for now, really just leave me alone.

-------------------------------------------------

Guess I am finally leting things go. For I am feeling much better le. So what if I got a C for math, just pass for bio? & probably played some dirty tricks for chem? ( hahah) It's time to move on. For just like had mrs low said, life is more than just A s & B s .

4 weeks 8 sessions of counselling, I am finally well and working again, though somethings doesnt change overnite, but at least I am fine now. & more importantly my case is closed for now. Review after Mid yrs. lols Thanks alot Mrs Low, for if not, I wondered what I would have been like.

The hardest thing to do is to learn how to climb down after peaking and rescaling new heights.

After nite's sleep I am feeling much better le. :) Life still goes on......

Moving on, is easy to say, diffcult to act. Move on, everything would be fine, thats provided I let go of that past. U WILL GET THERE :)

If there's one thing yew cheng should be doing now, you should not be thinking so much, you should be controling your emotions now! Instead of muggig or everything else, control your feelings, manage it well, and yah :)

Yesterday happened, and no one could change a thing, yes you are apologetic, but what is doen is done, it couldnt be slavaged but just move on bah.

Things might not turn out according to plan, I tried within my limits. But, yup.

I SERIOUSLY wondered about the meaning of your presence. U brought me literatelly everything, happy, sad, emo , stress everything.

I can say that, my condition today was 1% because of you. You, dont really know what I am feeling. At times, some stuffs just happened. I really didnt wanted these things to coincide, but somehow they did. And it not only create troubles for you, but it stresses me.

I exploded that time, because I thought I should let go. & now, I really felt that I should let go. If you think its my fault I accept it.

I really hope that I would not be affected by you, as much.

---------------------------------

My condition, & I am using that, looks optimum to her, but it is like a roller coaster ride, ups & downs. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I am really trying very hard to get down to work, and I mean work!

Was rather, feeling emo today. And I think that classroom has too much "YIN QI", making me emo everytime I am in. Math was C abit depressing, but like what she say, it is just a rehersal, accidents do happen, take it in my stride and move on.

I liked what Cindy posted......

人都是很自私的，都是为了自己的利益在做事。
如今，所谓的公平在这世上存在着什么的意义？
你得到你想要的但你有想过你是怎么得到的吗？
你是靠自己的实力还是，是踩着别人的肩上位？
把别人说的一文不值，难道就是你所会的一切？
或许你并没发现但你的言语却伤透了别人的心。

你应该惭愧的道歉而不是继续嚣张的自以为是。
或者说，如果你不要道歉但至少可以自觉反省。
你让一个满怀希望的人，从天堂掉入了地狱里。
难道你心里变态所以对你而言这是一种乐趣呢？
我真的搞不懂，你难道就不会感到一丝愧疚吗？
在你虚伪的假面具下，你到底是怎样的一个人？
答案只有你自己知道但我想，你只是个空蛋壳。
华丽的外壳骗了不少人但腐烂的内心让人反胃。
我甚至怀疑你与我或别人的友情，是真还是假。

If there's another way, or rather, if I knew there would be today, I would not have chosen this way. But, since I am already here. I ought to make it there, for it is only then would my grivenaces be justified.

In the mist of picking up the debribs, an arguement came.
I wonder if I'll pick up the momentum in time to catch up with things. I am neither slow nor fast now.

She's right, just do what you can. Homework need not nessarily be done all on time. Believe that you'll get there & with the effort, you will get there. Even if I feel like walking out of class, just stay there & bring your mind to a higher level. Running away does not solve the problem..........

Alrites back to mugging.... still gt math test tmr.... I dun wan E again. It's this stupid E that literately tore me apart into this pathetic state that I am in now......

快乐才是成功

Feeling light, relaxed & probably happy today. That emo feeling is finally clearing off........... Mrs Low seems to read me more than a book and know me as thought she knew me all these while. Hope I can be normal soon & get back to mugging, real soon.

A B for PW. I would say, I expected it all these while. I would say that it's the WR that caused the A. The B seems abit useless, after hearing that 95% of the school got A or B.

One thing good about everyone having a B is that, we don't feel that shitty feeling of inferior or mistakes. But the bad thing is, CaiLin's straight A will be gone. Felt bit bad over it. lols

It's over.

Probably, she's right. If I were to continue, without exploding, I am driving myself towards a cliff, is just when I'll fall. I am experiencing both the positive and negative sides of motivation. I have driven myself way off my limits.

She used this analogy, there's 3 kinds of runner. A, started with full steam, but eventually, his lungs can't take it, he collapse it half way. B, is simply too scared to continuing, for he keep comparing , and looking at the left and right sides, seeing only how fast people run, without realising that he also has his potential. B gave up eventually. & lastly, there's C. C ran with a consistent speed, but he made it, for he just stick to his ideas and be consistent.

The moral of the story, it's not how fast we run, how many times we bloom. It is how well we bloom at the end, that really matters.

I was finally smiling again. Yew Cheng haven't been smiling genuniely for a long time. No one notices that. I appeared strong in front of literatelly everyone. But superficial things doesnt last, eventually everything came apart.

I started moving again, but this time, I know, I can't afford to breakdown again. She said that I need to start slow. Yes, I agree, and I am probably having a short break for now. & my health.... I don;t want to have a 3rd attack, which might put me on bed for a week......

If I am destintied for accountancy I'll reach there, if not no matter how hard I work, things wont work out. There's always a greener pasture out there awaiting for me to discover.

苍天恩德， 佛恩浩大

我的存在，
你的出现，
不是机缘巧合，
而是冥冥中自有安排。

由心感谢

After keeping everything to myself for such a horrendously long period of time. I have finally confided to 2 adults at one go. ( I should have said, I exploded)

Meet Mdm Song on thursday, initally thought I would have a consulation with her. But the series of events took a turn, a surpirsing one. Never did I thought that I would see Jessie. Neither did I thought of seeing her tearing ( due to Miss Aw's : wad happend?). She saw Mdm Song & she started ...... yah. Then she was brought to aside. I waited.

After 0.5 hrs, my turn, I asked wad shld I do to math........ ( she said & stuffs & my mood starts to change for the worst). Eventually I cant take it I cried also.... Then we went over to a quite corner. I finally confided to her how horrible I felt... & that I felt like dying.... She's shocked, I could sense that..... She tried consoling me but, her attempts failed.

I began to hyperventilate & ...... she called the counsellor. I went down to the office, went into the VP's office ( VP went home , so we used her office instead. Think the P saw me, but she kept her silence, which I was glad she did), by then I was pale , white completely horrible. She brought in a cup of hot water. We sat there for an hour, she calm me down and we chatted.

Guess I was holding on to too much things, feared for too many negatives, that lead me to where I am. Review on monday, after school.

I knew, I wasn't feeling rite, and guessed I was right this time. I brokedown...............

It's not the physical fatigue that drains. It's the emotional fatigue that kills. & probably Ms Low was right, I need to take care of my health, more than anything..........

She knew, I tried to appear strong on the outside, but I finally gave myself away.............

I wanted no one else to know about anything, but the news spread, by now at least 4-6 adults ( including the one at home) should have known wad happened. I hope that don't come ask me anymore. When the P saw me on friday, I knew that,she sort of the stared at me, to see if I am fine.

I am starting to not trust you. I know it's wrong but I am getting a negative pulse from you. If it continues this way,the competition would eventually errode this whole friendship. I ought to be prepared for this day.

I need to confide for if not, I am starting to show signs of burning out.

What a hectic, and horrible week.....

It started with a C in chem, which I now realise, if it wasn't because of my foolish carelessness, I would have easily gotten a B, instead of that C. Wasted this paper....

Math was disasterous. For the first time in my life, an Elephant apeared, obstructing my way forward. I was totally devasted to the maximum. I studied yet I got a E. I can't help but to amplify this point. The 1 hour of going through the paper was tortoureous. I simply can't concentrate, I was looking out of the windows, trying to remain calm. But guess I can't take it. I shouted at Ee Hong. lol . It was definatley heart rentching, for I almost teared infront of Mdm Song, when she asked what happened. I tried to be strong. But guessed I wasn't that strong, I broke into tears that afternoon & the day after( 2 x) for it wasn't easy to accept the fact that I studied yet I somehow failed.

GP was a close shave. But I was glad that I made the right choice. Was bit shocked, but I was glad that I passed. And the essay I was simply happy that I got 29, though a mistake in the labelling of question cost me 1 mark. lol. But probably, Dr Queck was right, the process of waiting for results made me too stress and worried. That I hyperventilated for 15 mins.... A terrible ordeal, my vision went blurred, my hands froze, pearls of sweat slid down my back, for once I thought I was fainting.........

It wasn't the process that drains. It is the failures that demoralises.